THE NERDUARY

WE'VE MOVED!

2009-03-31T23:59:00.002-04:00

In case you haven't caught word yet, The Nerduary has moved into new digs here.

So why the change? Well, after four years, things kind of slowed down here at the old site (what with people taking new jobs, moving to new cities or just vanishing outright) and I decided not only to inject new life into the old girl, but to shift direction a little too. What kind of new direction, you ask? While the focus is still on commentary, links to cool stuff floating around the Internet and outright mockery of all things geek, at the new site you'll find what I hope is more consistency both in publishing and theme.

But don't think this is going to be a one man show. Already, there's been a shift to having multiple posters and God knows help will be welcome (virtual empires don't build themselves you know). So if you have something you really want to share with the world and want to do it via The Nerduary, just head over to the new site and contact me directly.

Because, really, that's the goal of the the new Nerduary; to become a destination site for everyone with a love of comics, movies, TV and everything geeks get a little too excited about.

So head on over to Nerduary.com and gives things a look. And tell your friends to do the same. And their friends. Actually, tell everyone.

Thanks to everyone who made this first version of The Nerduary such a fun place to hang out over the last four years (you know who you are) and I'll see you at the new site.

- Chris
Nerduary.com

How To Talk Sports

2009-03-17T01:42:00.002-04:00

As you can probably guess, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about sports. Not in a “hey, they’re interesting” kind of way, but more of a “why are people so gosh darn into them” way. Not that I’m one to judge a person for their likes or dislikes. Glass houses and all that. But I’ve been finding myself in social situations of late where it’s either talk sports at the party or sit around like a chode for an hour and half by the meatballs.

I’m no chode, by God, and I will NOT be exiled from the action. So I talk sports. Problem is, my knowledge of sports is almost nonexistent. So how do I do it? How do I talk for hours on end and convince people that I’m up on the latest in athletics? And more importantly, how can you?

PRESENTING CHRIS’ GUIDE FOR TALKING SPORTS (WHEN YOU KNOW NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT SPORTS)

“He’s a Good Player”- This one phrase is perhaps the most important sentence you can ever utter when forced to engage in a conversation about sports. Chances are, the athlete being discussed in indeed a good player, and as such, the person who brought up said athlete will speak positively on end about him. This will allow you time to pay attention to the details and try and figure when to insert one of the gems to follow. However, in the off chance that the athlete being discussed is NOT actually a good player, don’t panic. Just tell the person you were being sarcastic. Everyone will get a good laugh and you’ll come across as someone with keen insight indeed.

“Their Defense Could Be Tighter”- There will be times when someone will ask your thoughts on a specific team. Your first inclination will be to be panic as you don’t know one athlete from another, let alone what teams they're playing for. But no worries, all you have to do is say “Well, their defense could be tighter.” This is perfect as it’s not only noncommittal, but it’s also true. Unless the Patriots have recruited the 300 Spartans, no one has a perfect defense. No one. And even the most passionate team follower will have to admit that, yes, as perfect as the home team is, their defense could indeed be tighter.

“That Was Something Else”- If you choose to fake knowledge of sports, be prepared to be asked if you saw a specific game. Most likely, last night’s. Most posers tend to fall a part at this point. What kind of game was it? Was it a big game? Did something spectacular happen? What the hell were they even playing? Did a tiger get loose on the field? I don’t know what happened? Don’t panic! And for the love of God, don’t try to guess what happened. Just affirm that you saw it and say it “was something else.” “Something else” can be so many things. It can indicate that you did see that spectacular show of athleticism, it can mean that it was hard fought by both sides or can mean that it was boring as hell. It was something else. Like I said, most sports people just want to hear themselves talk anyway. They don’t care if you actually saw the game. They just want to rehash it themselves. All you have to do is say the right trigger to keep the conversation moving, and “That was something else” is a powerful one indeed.

“He has/does not have heart”- Sports fans love to talk about heart. Heart can make their pants tight or their blood burn. Heart is a way of saying losers are worth rooting for. Accusing someone of not having heart is an excuse to hate him even though he has more athletic prowess than most in the game will ever possess. You can only bring up heart when the conversation has caused a rift to form in the room and everyone assembled calls for you to choose a side. How do you choose which side to fall on? Easy. Identify the side with the loudest asshole and go the opposite way. "Come on!" the asshole will cry out. "How can you like that piece of shit?" "Easy," you'll say. "He's got heart." Once everyone is united against the asshole, you can let others carry the bulk of the conversation, and go back to “he’s a good player” as a means of supporting the dude you purport to support.

“You’re a racist”- Sometimes people will catch on that you don’t shit about sports and attempt to call you on it. Not only that, but they'll go about it by being a complete asshole and go for the jugular as happened to me very recently. Sometimes they’ll ask the race of the athlete being discussed. Yes, as a fan, this should come easy. But you’re not a fan. But they might be a racist. Call them to task on it. Ask them what race has to do with the game in the first place. Accuse them of letting outdated mindsets cloud their love of the game. Tell them they're part of the problem and proof positive that as a country, we still have such a long way to go. Then, politely recuse yourself from the conversation and walk away. You're now not only known as a passionate sports fan but a man (or woman) of high moral fiber. Respect all around.

There you have it. You now have the tools to fake an actual conversation about sports. But believe me, just having the tools doesn’t make you a master. Like any other skill, mastery takes practice. Start by dropping a “He’s a good player” here and there and see where it takes you. You’ll know when the time is right to move on. And remember, never feel like you can’t walk away from a conversation. In fact, sometimes disengaging is the best course of action you can take, especially if a subject is about to turn violent. After all, one man’s good player is another’s symbol of all that is evil in sports.

Good hunting.

Sports Fan/Fanboy: It's All The Same

2009-03-16T12:41:00.001-04:00

There always seems to be a social divide between sports fans and geeks. Sports fans often look at the geeks of the world as these pathetic men and women with a detachment from the real world, while geeks look at sports nuts as brutish would-be jocks obsessed with dumb games. But when it comes down to it, we really aren’t that different.

Both Know a Lot of Dumb Things- You can list all of Derek Jeter’s stats going back to his high school years, I can list all the different shades of kryptonite. You can pontificate on the virtues (or lack there-of) restrictor plate racing, I can pontificate on the virtues of having a multiverse to work in. You can tell me who coached who to Super Bowl victory back in ’75, I can tell you who wrote Uncanny X-Men 75.

Both Like To Show off Loyalty- Is there really any difference in wearing your New York Yankees jersey out in public and me hitting the mall in my Aquaman T-shirt? And define how the guys who dress up as Boba Fett at a convention are any sadder than the assholes who paint the names of their favorite teams over their fat bellies in 30-degree weather at football games.

Passions Run Deep- How often have people almost come to blows when discussing just who exactly is the greatest NFL coach of all time? On the flip side, don’t ask a room full of fanboys to decide the outcome of a fight between Superman and Thor. See lines drawn when you announce to NASCAR fans that Dale Earnhardt was over rated. Watch friendships die when you ask if The Enterprise could take a Star Destroyer. Really. Watch it here and here.

Everyone Knows What’s Best For Their Favorite Franchise- Wouldn’t The Braves clinch the title every year if you had a shot at coaching? I know The Justice League of America would be the best selling comic in the world if I were writing it. And what was Manning thinking passing the ball the that guy? Oh, and can someone explain to me exactly why Marvel still pretends anyone likes The Sentry?

We All Know Controversy- Just how many past and future Hall of Famer’s used steroids to enhance their performance and should that be held against them? How in the fuck does Rob Liefeld keep getting paying work on mainstream books?

We’re All Pretty Immature- When you think about it, sports fans are getting worked up over grown men getting millions for playing children’s games. And geeks? Most of us never stop to think that our obsessions began as escapist entertainment in the early 20th Century for the then burgeoning kid’s culture.

Kind of Homoerotic- Hate to break it to you sports fans, but you’re really into those guys in tight clothes, grabbing each other’s ass, placing hands on each others taint, and fighting for possession of balls (not to mention soaping their naked bodies up en masse after the game). And yes, I do realize that most super hero books are about a bunch of very physically fit dudes dressed in fetish suits all hanging out together in a secret place. BUT, in their defense, they’re only doing all this to save the world, so EAT IT SPORTS FANS!

The Joke is on All of Us- Whether your passion is for the Miami Dolphins or The Mighty Avengers, we all gloss over the fact that all of it is a long con to get us to care for and shell out tons of money for (let's be honest) meaningless corporate franchises. Yep, we're the ones making a select few rich. So remember that the next time you whine about how over paid Alex Rodriguez is or about how Joe Quesada is really screwing up Marvel. In the end, it's our own damn fault.

What A Silly Question

2009-03-10T08:52:00.000-04:00

From Battlestar Galactica Origins: Baltar:

He's Gaius Baltar; there' a naked Six in his bed and he's just turned his back on people he supposedly cares about to his own benefit. Of course he's okay. Jeez...

What If Watchmen Were a Saturday Morning Cartoon From the 80's?

2009-03-09T09:44:00.004-04:00

Right now there's an eight-year-old inside of me crying tears of regret that he was denied this...

Don't lie to yourself. You know you would've had all the action figures.

Thanks to friend of The Nerduary Michael Harper for passing this gem along. And give credit where is is do by checking out the animator's other stuff here.

So What Did I Think of Watchmen?

2009-03-07T22:10:00.001-05:00

Well, I enjoyed immensely, thanks for asking. Being based on a novel, it held as true to the source material as you can hope from an adaptation. The themes were there, the characters were right and there was an ever present reverence and respect for the work of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. Aside from a few out of place, all too well choreographed fight scenes (come on, besides Dr. Manhattan these are supposed to be normal people, not ninjas or students of Yuen Woo-ping), I'm quite pleased.

Not really going to bother with a review as most people reading this aren’t looking to be swayed one way or another. But as a long time fan of the Alan Moore/Dave Gibbons source material, I think Zach Snyder and everyone involved did a great job.

Still, that's not going to stop me from mocking it later this week. Just a heads up is all.

I Might Need Some Alone Time With New Avengers #50

2009-03-06T01:45:00.000-05:00

I swear to God it took me a good five minutes to notice there were even words in this panel from latest issue of New Avengers…

Judging by the look on his face, Captain America knows what I'm talking about.

The Horrors of TFR

2009-03-05T05:42:00.001-05:00

Denizens of super hero universes have to deal with various diseases just like we do here in the real world. Hulk had a pal die from AIDS back in the ‘90’s, Green Arrow’s latest ward is HIV positive and Captain Marvel died from cancer.

But super heroes have the added stress of having to be vigilant against fictitious diseases as well. As if polio and lupus weren’t enough, there’s the Legacy Virus, Morticoccus, MacGregor Syndrome, and God knows how many variations of the ever-popular techno-organic virus to contend with.

However one serious ailment that has never seemed to be acknowledge by any respectable medical organization in either Marvel or DC is one that seems to strike every single super powered being at least ten times in any given year. It’s so serious that even those around the sufferer are at risk from the effects.

I’m speaking, of course, of TFR, known in the medical community as Temporary Functional Retardation.

TFR can strike anyone at any time in super hero universe, but as mentioned those most likely to be stricken tend to possess any number of super powers. If you’ve never consciously been cognizant of TFR in a super hero or villain, take heart! Fantastic Four #564 is a case study in how people act and respond to obvious danger and make really, really bad decisions when afflicted with this serious mental illness.

Symptom 1:

Not asking in-depth questions as to why your science fictiony technology isn’t working while on vacation in this great Scottish town when it does just fine everywhere else in the universe (great reception in the Negative Zone, actually).

Symptom 2:

Not raising an eyebrow when the police brag about how perfect their little town is when you’ve been to Latveria more times than you can count and know what usually is behind “perfect” little towns.

Symptom 3:

Taking miracle cures for physically debilitating condition such as MS at face value when your line of work has shown such wonders are usually the work of dark forces. Or Doctor Doom looking to score a favor. Either way, dark forces.

Symptom 4:

Ignoring a cry for help from a random stranger involving children, despite a lifetime of experience telling you that’s most likely not a good (or especially moral) route to take. Also, letting a strange, kindly-looking old man be the one to convince you not to help said innocent bystander, despite having a rogue’s gallery consisting of a fair share of strange old men who look kindly enough.

Symptom 5:

Not wondering why the lighting on your old friend’s face suddenly became more than a little ominous as he used the phrase “our god” when you thought you were having a conversation on normal old Christianity

Symptom 6:

Knowing that not only are there always evil doers around looking to strike at you through your children but knowing that history has shown that if there is any hint of trouble to be found your children will find it yet still letting them use their brand new flight jackets to roam around a strange environment.

Symptom 7:

Knowing who The Fantastic Four are, knowing all they are capable of, and knowing that more established and more funded villains than you have tried to go after their kids and failed; yet still deciding it may be worth a shot anyway.

Better Late Than Never I Guess

2009-03-04T10:01:00.005-05:00

The third issue of Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk hits shelves today. Penned by Lost writer and co-creator Damon Lindelof, fans can’t wait to see how he follows up last issue.

Of course, most fans don’t remember the last issue, because it came out THREE YEARS AGO.

The excuse is that Lindelof being a big TV writer had to prioritize, which I can understand. But THREE YEARS? After three years, you give up on things. Hell, he writes a series about people lost at sea who the world gave up on as being dead after just three months. He should get this more than anyone else.

Awe, who am I kidding? Last issue ended with Hulk ripping Wolverine in half. And check out that cover. Those are adamantium claws tearing into Hulk's green ass! Eat it you gamma irradiated bastard! How can I not want to see how all this plays out even there was a THREE YEAR gap?

Damn you, Lindelof. This round to you.

The Real Meaning Behind Marvel Ending Open Submissions

2009-03-02T10:18:00.007-05:00

Last week, Marvel announced the formal cessation of its open submission policy, and while many aspiring writers are seeing the announcement as the dashing of their dreams of being the next guiding force behind The Amazing Spider-Man, that’s not the real news. Read between the lines (actually, you don’t even have to do that) and you learn that Marvel is essentially using Hollywood as its new farm league.

But first, the reality check. There has always been this fantasy that open submissions at Marvel and DC was the key to getting paying work from the companies. Send in a great pitch for The X-Men or Avengers, wait for phone call from salivating editor. But in recent memory, I can’t think of any writer that found a way into working for the company through open submission, and I’d be surprised to hear of an artist that did as well. Most, if not all, did it by having his or her work published elsewhere, so anyone who’s using this as an excuse to stop trying to create was never destined to work on Spider-Man to begin with.

I do, however, look at it as a formal sea change, at least for writers. It’s never been a secret that landing a paying gig at either Marvel or DC has never been the easiest feat for writers. Artists tend to have it a little cushier, at least in terms of skipping a few steps. Put together a powerful portfolio proving that you can not only draw well but can also tell a coherent story is all it really takes. Not discounting talent, because God knows it takes that as well, but I’ve been told by more than a few artists that if you can draw the mundane, i.e. lamp posts, telephones, people sitting down to talk, and make that interesting you’ve won half the battle. Put together a great portfolio and show it to the right editor at the right convention, there’s always the chance you’ll be working on something.

But for writers it’s always been different. You can’t just drop a script in front of an editor at a convention and hope for him or her to take a serious look at it. There’s just not enough time in the day. Throw in the possibility of possible lawsuits at the hands of a would-be writer who swears their story was stolen in with what has to be thousands of terrible scripts, and I imagine going through submissions can be pure torture for an editor that still has to get a line of comics to print each month.

No, writers historically have flowed into Marvel and DC from the indies. Brian Michael Bendis did it by making superb creator owned crime comics as did Greg Rucka and Ed Brubaker, Judd Winnick made it through Barry Ween and Pedro and Me, and a whole slew of British writers made names for themselves on the UK’s anthology series, 2000 A.D. That, however, is not the sea change.

This is:

“With the successful discovery and publishing of writers in the fields of comics as well as TV, film and literature, Marvel will continue to search out new voices in all published fields, as we have for the past number of years.”

- From the Marvel press release on no more open submissions

Ever since Kevin Smith wrote a pretty good Daredevil story a decade ago, Marvel has made lining up TV and film talent a cottage industry. Joss Whedon, Damon Lindelof, Alan Heinberg, Marc Guggenheim, Daniel Knauf, Aron Coleite and Kevin Grevioux are very prolific TV and film writers and just a few Hollywood types that moonlight writing for Marvel.

Hollywood is the new recruitment ground for Marvel, and how can you blame them (not so much literature yet as most authors have only so far leant their names and properties but not their actual talent. See Stephen King and Laurel K. Hamilton. Orson Scott Card is the one exception I can think of)? These are not only proven talents, but names with pedigree. They write or have written for shows like Lost, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Sex and the City and Heroes just to name a few, properties that have huge followings. If Marvel can put the words “From the Writer of Heroes” in an ad, that alone, in theory at least, will cause more than a few people to pick up a title they may not normally buy.

I’ve also read that Marvel can get these names on the relatively cheap side as well. While there is some money to be had writing in comics, it’s not generally enough to pay for a house in the Hollywood Hills. TV and film is where that money is. But the Hollywood writers don’t seem to mind taking a large pay cut if it means writing for characters and comics they grew up reading. How many non-entertainment industry fans have you ever heard say they would kill to get to write The Uncanny X-Men or put their stamp on The Fantastic Four? These guys are no different.

No, Marvel ending its open submission policy isn’t a death knell in anyone’s aspirations to being a writer at a big company. Your chances of being published via that route never really existed in the first place. But Hollywood calling? That may well be a severe hindrance. Because while anyone can put together and self-publish a comic, not everyone can be a writer on a big name TV show, and it seems clear that’s what Marvel wants: ties to Hollywood.

That said, I do think like other trends in comics, this one too will likely implode. After all, writing and producing comics is a business meant to make someone money, and typically not a lot for the talent. I foresee the luster wearing off, at least a bit, for this new batch of TV writers, and them wanting a bigger paycheck for their troubles; a paycheck that reflects the same amount of time and effort they put into producing network television shows (which, by all accounts is about the same as goes into making a comic for Marvel). And when that happens, expect Marvel to get stingy and go back to looking for hungry writers prowling the independent scene. So don’t give up hope yet, just the delusion that you’ll be discovered based solely on that kick-ass Thor idea you’ve been sitting on for a decade.

Whatever Happened To Wizard?

2009-02-27T11:43:00.021-05:00

So what does it mean that Wizard Magazine has laid off seven more staff positions? It could be interpreted as a sign of the economic times, but Wizard has been laying people off since before times got rough, so the blame can’t be placed squarely at the feet of the collapse of the global economy. No, this is a matter of relevance and not knowing what you want to be as a business.

Let’s face it, "relevant" is something Wizard hasn’t been for a long time. For a while they were pretty safe in their niche, but then that whole Internet thing really took off and sites like Comic Book Resources and Newsarama not only took away the need to wait a month to get your comic book news, but offered up a wonderful benefit to fans who would love to spend their money on comics: the sites and all their content were free. Still, though, Wizard hung in there, probably because people remembered fondly what it once was.

In the glory days, way back in the 90’s, Wizard was one of a kind. Not only was it a magazine dedicated to covering super hero comics, but it also had a sense of community to it. This was long before message boards took off, and Wizard was a rallying point for fans, especially since it read like an updated version of the old Marvel Bullpen from the ‘60’s. Everyone at the comic shop may not have read the same titles each month, but everyone read Wizard.

And Wizard played on that. The big appeal of Wizard when it first debuted was more than just its content (though seeing actual features like whether Batman could take Captain America were big). The magazine’s voice was the draw. Wizard could easily have read like “An Ode To Fanboys, By Fanboys” but it rarely did. There was this feeling given off from the magazine’s staff that these were the fans at the comic shop that, while they loved their super hero comics, got just how silly they could be at the same time. And it made for good reading. The articles had pop, flair and snark to them. They were funny while managing to be informative. Most importantly, the magazine was unapologetic about everything; its tone, its stance on editorial directions its favorite books had taken, everything. Wizard was the cool rallying point for an uncool hobby.

Slowly, though, all that started to disappear. Writers stopped calling out companies for bad stories, stopped making fun of goofy characters (remember “Mort of the Month?”) and stopped being smart asses all the time. They even stopped doing reviews, attributing this to not wanting to use its lofty position of power among fandom to influence them or writers. Sure, that sounds altruistic, but everyone suspects the real story being about knowing who butters your bread, and knocking that person’s output could be seen as detrimental.

It also became more overt about taking money from the fans, and for a little while, managed to do this with success. Not only did it buy up hard to find comics and resell them at exorbitant rates (thanks to the price guide in the back of every issue that most retailers referred to when doing business), but it started to make deals with publishers to get exclusive comics, action figures, lithographs, you name it. On top of all that, Wizard got into the convention market, and for a little while, to great success.

In short, Wizard made a grab for the money Marvel and DC were making off comics. Too bad there’s not that much money to grab.

Anyone who follows comics knows the money both Marvel and DC make from just comic book sales isn’t that much. Sure, comics pay the monthly bills, but the real money is in licensing, movies and TV. And to some degree collected editions. Plus, Marvel is a publicly traded company, while DC has Time-Warner to prop them up. That Gareb Shamus thought there could be exponential growth by just being a comic magazine/comic seller shows a severe lack of foresight. At least when it comes to the long-term success of his company. Certainly his own bank account is pretty full, just not his company’s.

The most recent nail in the publication coffin seems certainly to have been an editorial shift from covering comics exclusively to trying to be an all-encompassing entertainment magazine. Now in addition to a Q&A with Brian Michael Bendis, there are also cover stories on The Watchmen and whatever else is hot in genre movies and TV. The only problem with that is there are dozens of other, better-established magazines dedicated to doing just that. Plus, with a name like Wizard, a newcomer is more likely to figure it’s some D&D fanzine than a legit mainstream journalistic publication.

The layoffs at Wizard started long before the economy went south. It first started with longtime staffers and editors making a certain amount of money being served their walking papers, then selling off their actual office on Conger’s, New York. Just last year, the magazine actually recruited volunteer writers from the Internet to contribute content. That’s right, fans who’ve always dreamed of being close to their favorite writers and artists are working FOR FREE while making money for Wizard. For Shamus, this is certainly a good moneymaker. Why pay for the content when fans will do it for nothing? But when you’ve let go all of your seasoned editors and trained journalists, just how good can that content be, and how long will readers tolerate it? After all, they’re paying for the content. If there’s no guarantee of quality, they won’t stick around for long, or so one would think.

How did this all happen? Like a thousand other print publications, Wizard’s owner got greedy. The magazine’s decade plus long lifespan is more than enough proof that there was, and most likely still is, a market for what it has to offer. However, Wizard is learning the hard way what other media owners are learning about their newspapers and magazine. Gone are the days when publishers could see an annual return on their investment of close to 50 percent. Realistically, if your business plan is a sound one and you have actual content people want to pay for, that return is going to be 10 to 20 percent. Enough to pay the bills, live comfortably and pay for some extra pages for a couple double sized issues every now and again. But not enough to make you a media mogul.

For Wizard, it already may be too late. We may well be seeing the death throws of a once viable, vibrant magazine. This most recent round of layoffs will, sadly, most likely not be the last and more people will be left without jobs.

Here’s hoping the next comics magazine is content with being just that; a magazine about comics.

Hard Asses Assemble!

2009-02-25T19:56:00.002-05:00

What happens when some Hollywood exec decrees that all able bodied bad mother fuckers still working in the movies gather in one film? You get a movie called The Expendables, the story of a group of mercenaries that head to South America to overthrow a dictator.

According to imdb.com, here's the cast so far:

Sylvester Stalone
Mickey Rourke
Jason Statham
Jet Li
Dolph Lundgren... Dolph fucking Lundgren!
Randy Couture

And just to get some acting pedigree in, we also get Ben Kingsley and Forrest Whitaker.

But you know, looking at that list, something seems to be missing. Yeah, those are some real hard asses, but it just seems like there could be....

Holy shit Arnold Schwarzenegger is in this thing too!

Seriously, is there even a need to hire a writer for this thing?

Oh, Cobra Commander... What Have They Done To You?

2009-02-23T10:42:00.007-05:00

G.I. Joe producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura on Cobra Commander:

“I thought what was great in ‘The Dark Knight’ was that Heath kept telling you different stories [about his past] so you never knew what it was, and they were all spooky and crazy. [In our film] you get to see it, and you get to understand what’s happened to this guy.”

So essentially, what’s being said is: “You know how they dealt with The Joker in The Dark Knight and how awesome it was? Yeah, well, we’re not doing anything like that! We’re going to do what everyone else does."

But that’s not really the deal breaker. From the same interview:

And while the character is widely known for his blue mask, don’t expect that to necessarily carry over in whole either. “We’ll see Cobra Commander in the Cobra mask [but] it will not be like the show,” said di Bonaventura, who also promised they aren’t going to the comics for that one either. “I found some of the [mask] aspects a little KKK for me,” he said, “so we tried to steer away from that image. We thought that might be a little much.”

First things first: So di Bonaventura was able to look at a blue, draped hood emblazoned with a red cobra and get the Ku Klux Klan from that?

Am I not making the right connection here? You wanna get offended by Cobra Commander’s hood? Fine. But get offended by it for the right reason. KKK? You’re thinking too small, good sir. Here’s what is arguably the inspiration for Cobra Commander and his hood…

Marvel Comics’ Baron Heinrich Zemo. Captain America and Avengers villain. Founder of The Masters of Evil. Nazi scientist. I’m very certain that the entire Cobra organization from The Commander on down is meant to evoke fascist, Nazi-esque imagery. They’re evil with a capitol “E.” That’s what always made Cobra kind of scary. That and deathtrap laden funhouses.

But the Klan? Really? That’s just lazy. If you want to use negative imagery as an excuse to make unwarranted changes to a property, then pick the right ones.

Yet using negative imagery to justify changes to this character still rings hollow. After all, Cobra Commander is a terrible human being. He’s a terrorist responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands and unapologetically proud of it. He murdered his own son as both a warning of what would happen to those who would rise against him and to prove to himself that he wasn't weak. He started World War III just to prove he could. For Christ’s sake, he used to be a used car salesmen! You’re supposed to hate the guy. He has no redeeming qualities.

That di Bonaventura looks at the character and gets unsettled is a good thing. He should know that, unless… unless he has ulterior motives. Could it be that he has no real concern for staying true to the property and is just looking for a reason to make unnecessary changes?

“Ah-Ha! He has a hood! The Klan wears a hood! Now I have all the reason I need to give Cobra Commander a translucent hood with tubes feeding from his chest to his face!”

Yes. This is what producers have opted to make Cobra Commander look like. A translucent mask and tubes running from the chest to the head never looked so menacing.

I’m not kidding myself. Movies like this are never meant to be fan wanks. They’re meant to make money for someone like di Bonaventura. It’s not about the property but the property’s name and knowing that no matter what you make, there should be enough geeks somewhere that’ll turn out and try to convince themselves it’s a great flick based on the sole basis of what it’s been named and adequate special effects.

I’ve wasted too much money on bad adaptations and too much breath arguing with people who defend them. Simple fact is the producers of G.I. Joe are actually doing us all a favor broadcasting their ignorance of the property. I’m glad I know this far out that the filmmakers don’t get it. Saves me the time and money of finding out while sitting in a theater with high hopes.

So, yeah. I’m out.

40% Off One Item At Borders! Awe, Hell...

2009-02-21T15:33:00.004-05:00

I am off to cash in a 40% off any one item at a local Borders. This is both cause for excitement and confusion.

Excitement: Yay! I don't have to spend full price on a book!

Confusion: Boo! Now I'm about to damn myself (and by default, my wife) to spending a little over an hour wandering through Borders trying to figure out just what one item over $10 I shall use my coupon on.

So far, the frontrunner is this guy.

Will report back from the front lines soon...

Your Avengers Got Into My Thunderbolts

2009-02-20T14:34:00.009-05:00

The big news in Avengers land is Dark Avengers. Who are the "Dark Avengers?" Well, they're The Avengers, only... dark. Bad guys. Put together by Norman "Green Goblin" Osborn in his new role of chief of Marvel's world police, H.A.M.M.E.R. (no, I don't know what hammer stands for click the link if you really want to know).

Let m explain. Here are the Dark Avengers, mostly bad guys appropriating the good names of established good guys:

1. Captain Marvel, aka: Marvel Boy- Marvel Boy showed up a few years ago from a parallel universe, got a not-so-warm-reception from the denizens of this new-to-him-un

iverse and declared war. He's been rotting in prison for a few years but recently helped repel a Skrull invasion. He's kind of a brat.

2. The Sentry- Not so much a bad guy as bat-shit crazy. And hella annoying. Marvel keeps trying to push him down our throats as this awesomely conflicted character but what we really get stuck with is a whiney, mostly incapable of action Superman.

3. Ms. Marvel aka: Moonstone- Old school villain whose super power seems to be super mind fucking.

4. Iron Patriot aka: Norman "Green Goblin" Osborn- Like I said, he's won the public over and taken over Nick Fury's old job.

5. Ares- Yep. The Greek god of war. Again, like Marvel Boy and The Sentry, not strictly a bad guy, just a deity with a piss-poor attitude. Loves axes.

6. Wolverine aka: Daken: Wolverine's bastard son... wait, what? Goddamnit, is something that we really needed? Is it not enough that Wolverine himself shows up in at 27 books a month, now we have to get saddled with his dark, brooding son with a mowhawk no less? Jesus Christ, it's like they found an old file Rob Liefeld left sitting around the offices and ran with an idea he found too stupid to run with.

7. Hawkeye, aka: Bullseye- Old Daredevil baddie, former hitman for The Kingpin and murderer of Elektra (she got better).

8. Spider-Man, aka: Venom- Yep. That Venom. No, hold on, not "that" Venom. This one is Scorpion who has been wearing the Venom symbiote for the last few years. He eats people. A lot.

So there you have it. The Dark Avengers, an innovative team made up of villains who have tricked the public into thinking they're righteous do-gooders, thwarters of evil, blah, blah, blah. Good job, Marvel! You've just invented...

The Thunderbolts! Former Avengers' baddies The Masters of Evil all decked out in new costumes, winning over the public as the newest super heroes on the block. No kidding, the last page reveal that these were in fact classic villains was mind blowing back in 1997 and the first 12 issues of this series were brilliant. But I digress...

Like the guys from the Coke Zero ads, you have to ask if it's possible to plagiarize yourself?

Now I'm not saying I'm not enjoying the series so far. Quite the contrary, so far so good. But the great writing from Brian Michael Bendis and art from Mike Deodato is a little hampered for me by the nagging thought that this has all been done before. I guess the big deal this time out is that the villains aren't in a brand new team, but taking up residence as the actual Avengers in their actual head quarters.

Still, it would be a lot cooler if Zemo could show up at some point threatening litigation...

Media Blackout

2009-02-19T18:33:00.006-05:00

Sometimes Greek Gods of War just like to argue for the sake of argument...

Battlestar Galactica Explained... Maybe.

2009-02-18T16:40:00.000-05:00

If you're completely honest with yourself, the February 13th episode of Battlestar Galactica, "No Exit," was a bit tricky, what with divulging so much mythology, backstory and everything else needed to neatly wrap up such a rich, complex story. Hell, I went back and watched it a second time just so I could try and pick up on little nuggests I may have missed.

But what I really needed was a flowchart...

Oh, why thank you ScreenJunkies.com, that's exactly what I needed.

Places To See Before You Die

2009-02-17T16:52:00.001-05:00

Come on out to Alamogordo, New Mexico, home of Holloman Airforce Base, The White Sands Missile Range and...

The Atari Landfill!

See! the final resting place of millions of unsold Atari 2600 games, mostly copies of Atari’s E.T. The Extra Terrestrial!

Sift! through mountains of trash built up over two decades to see what failure looks like en masse!

Chisel! through the tons and tons of concrete that covers this treasure of poor business planning!

"The Atari Landfill! Your Childhood is Waiting... For You to Dig it Up!"

My New "Lost" Theory

2009-02-16T13:47:00.008-05:00

While I tend to let others theorize the true meanings of the extremely textured (if not convoluted) Lost, I wholeheartedly believe that I've figured out at least one major secret the writers have been trying to keep secret. A secret so well kept that to my knowledge no one else has stumbled upon it yet, even though it's been hiding for years in plain sight. What is this secret? Get ready to have your mind blown.

Jack Shepherd...

is really…

Charlie Salinger!

And don't think this is some silly joke about both characters being played by the same actor. If I wanted to do that I'd make a joke about Jin and Bernard taking a vacation from Wolfram & Hart. No, there's something to this, and I think the evidence speaks for itself.

Unable to Maintain a Relationship

Charlie Salinger seemed genetically predispositioned to make the life of Kirsten a living hell. From cheating on her with old flames to telling her that he didn’t want to marry her (on their wedding day no less), the dude had to have taken sick pleasure in building this poor girl up just to tear her back down. And Jack Shepherd? From episode one, Kate has practically been begging the good doctor to give a thorough examination to her nether regions and even tried to use Sawyer as a Jack proxy. And when they got off the island, Jack teased Kate with a real relationship, only to flake out over a kid Kate was raising. And not just some random kid. Not even some kid that Kate got knocked up with by another man. No, Jack’s nephew. Way to go, Jack!

Daddy Issues

Jack Shepherd undertook his father’s profession and has to deal with his peers name dropping dear old dad day in and day out at the hospital while Charlie not only took over his dad’s business, but the man’s family as well. He has to hear about how not only was his dad a better restaurateur than Charlie will ever be, but he has to live with the fact that as a paternal figure to his deceased father’s kids, he pretty much sucks. Neither Charlie nor Jack deals with this well and as a result we get binge drinking and pill popping as means of coping.

Fate Forces Both to Cast Aside Personal Dreams, Goals and Aspirations

Let’s face it, who really wants to lead a hodge-podge gathering of misfits and emotionally broken people around a time-traveling monster-filled jungle for the rest of their life when they could be getting real paid working as an in demand surgeon? Better yet, who would jump at the opportunity to move back home to raise their brothers and sisters and run a business they were never really fond of when they could keep diving pelvis first into rivers of tail? But Jack and Charlie do what they’ve got to do (or what strangers and acquaintances tell them they have to do) and try and suck it up.

Uncanny Fear of Being Alone

Jack’s famous line from season one was “We can either live together or die alone” has come to define much of who he is. And it seemed like once per episode Charlie was telling the Salinger clan they could either live together or get taken into the system by social services. And just what did said unity ever get either one? Heartache, heartbreak, rejection and no appreciation whatsoever.

Immune to Razors

Conventional blades have no effect on either Jack Shepherd or Charlie Salinger. The best a Mach III or IV can do is beat the face bushes down to a kick-ass Don Johnson-esque five o’clock shadow.

Try to tell me I’m wrong. See? You can’t do it.

My Prediction for the Last "Lost" Episode

Jack Shepherd takes a blow to the head, causing him to black out, only to wake up in bed as Charlie Salinger next to Suzanne Pleshette.

Wonder Woman offers up some great animated violence and the story is pretty good too!

2009-02-07T05:35:00.005-05:00

So this weekend is the New York Comic Con. I love comic book conventions, it's like being in the worlds largest comic book store with a bunch of the creators and tons of the most devoted fans which leads to all sorts of great (and sometimes annoying, depending on the type of fan;) discussions and interactions. Luckily, I bought a weekend pass back in December when I still had a regular job, other wise I would probably be sitting it out this year, but such is life and I intend to enjoy every moment of it.

On Friday, I had an enjoyable day exploring the exhibit hall and attending panels, but the highlight of the day was the big screen premiere of the Wonder Woman animated movie with a talk back afterwards with Bruce Timm (like I even need to tell you... the producer), Lauren Montgomery (the director), and Michael Jelenic (wrote the screenplay).

As I watched the opening sequence of the Wonder Woman animated movie, I couldn't help but think, what a no brainer. An army of Amazon women fighting an epic action packed and extremely violent battle against the god of war and the hordes of Hades. I mean it was a beautiful and exciting opening that got me psyched for a great movie. I must admit, it was so good that part of me was wondering if this was going to be the highlight of the movie. It wasn't.

The movie progresses forward in time and plot with a story that is part epic mythological tale, part action adventure and part... romantic comedy?!? And it totally works.

I wasn't expecting the movie to be so funny or violent, but both attributes make it extremely enjoyable. The Amazons are warriors and we get to see them in battle after blood battle, the strongest of the warriors cutting a bloody path through their enemies. The action is fast paced, bloody and violent. In the talk back that followed the screening, Bruce Timm explained that the first cut received an "R" rating for violence and some things had to be cleaned up to get the rating down to PG-13. He did say, depending on sales and demand, the R rated cut may be released in the future. (So everyone, go buy the dvd and demand the R rated cut!!) Even so, the violence is still top notch, the death count in this movie is quite high.

The comedy was a pleasant surprise. The movie has an excellent voice cast. Nathan Fillion has some of the funniest lines, and his delivery only makes it funnier. Wonder Woman's interaction with Fillion's character Steve Trevor, and her introduction to man's world lends itself to some great comedic moments. One of my favorites is when Wonder Woman innocently explains to a little girl how to sword fight in such a way that she will take down the boys who are not letting her play in their pretend sword fighting game. There are a ton of other scenes which I really want to share, but it will be so much better if you experience it first hand.

The movie is light on drama, but the characterization and relationships are all handled extremely well. This is Wonder Woman's origin, but the supporting characters get their moment to shine.

Its only weakness seems to be its mandatory run time. I was enjoying this movie so much that I was disappointed when it ended. The action moves so quickly that at times, I felt it could have used more of a transition or explanation from one local to the next, but I was having so much fun that I went with it and didn't mind the moments that felt a little rushed.

In short, Bruce Timm, Lauren Montgomery, Michael Jelenic and the rest of the production team have trumped all the previous efforts of the new DC Universe Animated films. Christopher Drake also deserves a well earned shout out for his epic musical score that hits all the right notes and adds another dramatic layer to the awesome little film. Wonder Woman sets a new high mark, which I hope they can match in future efforts, especially since I hear the next one might be Green Lantern. I can't wait.

The DVD and Blu-ray hits stores on March 3, I'm eager to watch it again, I wish my next viewing could be on the big screen as well. You can see a trailer and hear a sample of the score at the official movie website.

Spider Jerusalem's World

2008-08-08T05:59:00.004-04:00

I feel like I’m in Spider Jerusalem’s world. I recently read Transmetropolitan again because Spider Jerusalem makes me happy. Now I’m having strange urges. I want to cover my body in tattoos and pig out on caribou eyes. I want to write a weekly column attacking people that need to be attacked and bringing the President’s criminal dealings to light. But all that aside, today I think I stepped in Jerusalem’s world, not for any of the hugely relevant political things, no, no, I stepped into the a world that just feels like his.

I live in New York City, which is the most obvious inspiration for Transmet’s The City, but to really see its roots, you only have to head down to Coney Island. One of the first things you see as you exit the subway is the original Nathan’s Hotdog stand, founded in 1916. Of course, now you can order clams and any number of seafood items as well as rotisserie chickens to go along with your chili-cheese dog (no geneticly cloned human parts yet). On the outside wall is a huge counter ticking away the days, hours, minutes, and seconds till the next hotdog-eating contest. The current record is 66 hotdogs in 12 minutes. An event monitored by the International Federation of Competitive Eating and viewed by an estimated 1.5 million households via ESPN. But I digress; the fact that the IFCE exists is topic for another time, back to Coney Island, where if you don’t want to wait in line at Nathan’s for your hotdog, you can always go to the vending machine. I kid you not, there is a hotdog vending machines not fifty feet away from Nathan’s hotdog stand.

I headed to the freak show room, not because I wanted to see the human block head (the guy that hammers a nail through his nostril) or a sword sallower or a fire eater, no, tonight, the room was being taken over by burlesque, headlined by Dirty Martini and hosted by Jesus. The panty chaser for the evening (my friend and co-workers wife) was a humble nun who was forced to take center stage when Jesus caught her smelling the dancing racecar driver’s outfit. Jesus ordered her to touch her toes and then proceeded to spank her as the audience cheered and counted along with him. He paused and the nun asked him to spank harder. Jesus was more than happy to comply. He finished the spanking, and the nun hugged him passionately.

“Not now,” Jesus told her as she embraced him and caressed his face, “Later, make sure you have the drugs.”

This was followed by a woman dressed as the leaning tower of Pisa and then, my personal favorite of the evening, the Incredible Cook! After the nun had sat up a table and a pot, the cook entered, green skinned and a white apron. She proceeded to yell and growl at the spaghetti as she broke it up and slung it into the pot. She gained her composer as she lifted Hulk brand spices up and held it for the audience to see, she proceeded with her angry cooking. She yanked off the apron; underneath she was wearing the tattered remains of purple pants and a ragged white t-shirt. She ripped her off her purple pants and tore off her shirt, growling and stomping around the stage. Then she presented her previously prepared spaghetti dish for all to see.

Dirty Martini closed the show, lip singing a love song as she sat the table for Jesus, pulling peaches and plums from her brazier, then stripping away her brazier and bouncing steadily, tassel twirling. That’s Amore played as all the girls return to the stage with pizza and fed it to the audience. And that was only the second act, I missed the entire first half of the show because I was working.

Afterwards, we drink and hung around, but midnight was fast approaching and everyone started flirting away. One of my friends wanted to go swimming, I didn’t, but I wanted to see the ocean. As we walked, she warned me, “Puerto Rican’s with large cocks are going to proposition us so they can get money to buy more drugs, but we are not going to have sex with them, even if we had the money.”

Soon we are on the beach, headlights flashing around in the dark belonging to large machines, cleaning vehicles. The headlights swirl around erratically as they clean the beach, rushing towards the hundreds of mesh trashcans that litter the beach. A mechanical arm sticks the trashcans and dumps them over the small cab and then puts them back. Other vehicles race along the beach, spiny spinning mechanisms plowing through the sand for trash and other debris. But the beach is not deserted, near the plastic palm tree shower, a couple sits on a bench while their very young children play in the sand. I have to wonder is this really the only recreation time they have? Other small groups of people and couples on blankets are spread out around the beach, not a lot of people, but for a Thursday after midnight amidst the beach cleaners, it seems like quite a few. I want to snap a picture with my glasses and tag it something like, “The beach cleaners trying to do their job without running over the new scum.”

We stand in the water with the waves crashing at our feet. My friend feels a little cheated because nobody has propositioned us. We decide to go for hotdogs before heading home. It’s nearing one a.m. We avoid the hotdog vending machines and get in line at the original Nathan’s Famous hotdog stand and wait to be served.

Epilogue.
In true Spider fashion, I live with two women. They are not my assistants, but they are friends. As I sit down to write this, at least one of them is having sex in the other room while I sit alone with my computer writing because that’s what I must do when I have something to say. But I’d prefer to be having sex.

Dragonball Z Seasons 3&4

2008-03-17T18:56:00.003-04:00

I know I said I'd post this a while ago, but I was being lazy, so get off my back.

Season 3 contains some of the greatest moments in DBZ. However, it also contains some of the biggest time wastes in DBZ. I enjoy DBZ, but I am not fanatical about it. I think that is what makes these reprocessed and repackaged seasons so attractive to me. It is also my lack of fanaticism that made some of the episodes in season 3 unbearable. I honestly fell asleep watching this season on more than one occasion. The odd and ever changing hours I work is partly responsible, but also the fact that for five or six episodes in a row virtually nothing happens. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that there are numerous episodes that spend 25 minutes of the 30 minute episode rehashing what already happened or what is to come in "the next exciting episode of Dragon Ball Z!!!" I know that there was one whole episode that was entirely rehash. The WHOLE friggin' episode.

Now with the negatives out of the way, this season when good is GREAT. It sucks you in and takes you on an emotional roller-coaster. One moment you are on the verge of tears (or if you are less of a man you may shed a few), the next you are yelling at the tv, and the next you are cheering aloud in exaltation.

Season 4 starts out a bit lack-luster. This season begins with the Garlic Jr. saga, which I had not seen in completion until now. It was not DBZ's greatest moment. Although it does reveal some interesting character development, it seems very contrived and lacking the usual heart that DBZ has. Garlic Jr. is kind of dumb and he and is minions never really seem to be that big of a threat, even though they do almost destroy the world as we know it.

Once the Garlic Jr. saga is out of the way, though this season gets good, and I mean REALLY good. It starts out with some fun episodes that show the Z fighters in real life. Particularly Krillin and his hot, but dumb and self absorbed girl-friend Marin. When the intermission concludes and the action begins it gets and stays good.

When Trunks shows up out of the blue to face Freiza and King Cold...

ooooooo, goose-bumps.

This season focuses much more on the character of Vegeta, who is one of my favorite characters, than previous sesons. It also reveals the interesting characters of the Androids, who though evil, are much different from your typical villain bent on world domination. I am tempted to say that this is my favorite season to date, excluding Garlic Jr.

These things seem to be coming out about every 3 months or so. Let's just hope the next three months go by quickly.

The Association of Semi-Superpeoples in: Nazi Radio Tower of Doom!

2008-01-09T20:37:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! Behold, the very first Stouthouse Radio Theater production in it's entirety!

The Association of Semi-Superpeoples in:
NAZI RADIO TOWER OF DOOM!

Just click the link above and enjoy!

Opera weekend, pt. 2

2008-01-05T22:38:00.000-05:00

Lesson number two: Opera can be hilarious.

Opera weekend!

2008-01-04T20:42:00.000-05:00

Time to get some culture on your ass.

In the spirit of the horror movie week, I'm taking a weekend to enlighten all of you about good music.

Lesson number one - sometimes it's very important to listen to the words in an opera.

Tradition

2007-12-24T17:14:00.000-05:00

Following in the footsteps of those great super heroes like: the Association, the Mystery Men, the Great Lakes Avengers, Major Bummer, and Blankman; comes a newer, greater hero:

Hancock.

I. Can't. Wait.

D

Radio Drama

2007-12-10T11:35:00.000-05:00

The Stouthouse Radio Theater Proudly
Presents:

THE ASSOCIATION OF SEMI-SUPER PEOPLES
In

“The Nazi Radio Tower of Doom!”

The prologue to a full length radio drama:

Speedy

2007-12-10T10:48:00.000-05:00

If you haven't seen the Speed Racer trailer yet, it's...it's...just watch it:

That's so fucking crazy that it has to be good.

D

19 years later...

2007-12-10T10:42:00.001-05:00

Dragonball Z Movie News

2007-11-14T09:30:00.001-05:00

Not much time to post. Late for work and all that. But, wanted to share this.

Did you see who is supposedly playing Piccolo?

Well, I guess it's my turn...

2007-11-13T22:56:00.000-05:00

Ummmmm..... here's a pretty photo?

Awesome. I hope they at least attempt to parlay this back into him being the real Juggernaut from now on, and not revert him back to the *ahem* "Huggernaut".

D

Nerduary Halloween Week Celebration: Day 5

2007-11-02T18:32:00.001-04:00

It's Horror Hotel - what happens when Count Dooku sends a college student to a haunted hotel? The precursor to The Blair Witch Project, no doubt.

Nerduary Halloween Week Celebration: Day 4

2007-11-01T10:39:00.000-04:00

It's called "The Bloody Pit of Horror," so it's got to be good, right?

And yes, that is Mickey Hargitay, otherwise known as Jayne Mansfield's husband and the dad of the uber-hot detective on "Law and Order: SVU."

Nerduary Halloween Week Celebration: Day 3

2007-10-31T10:51:00.000-04:00

Today's film is "Carnival of Souls." More psychological, got one of those great twisty endings we all love. In fact, it's one of the films David Lynch cited as an inspiration for "Lost Highway."

Nerduary Halloween Week Celebration: Day 2

2007-10-30T11:50:00.000-04:00

For Tuesday's selection, it's "The Brain that Wouldn't Die" (1962).

subtitled: "Good luck with no fuckin' head."

Nerduary Halloween Week Celebration: Day 1

2007-10-29T17:25:00.000-04:00

It's the week of Halloween, so to celebrate, I'm going to put up a *full* classic horror movie today through Friday, 'cause I love all of you so much.

Remember, if you look in a mirror and say "Jake is a cultural phenomenon" three times, you'll wake up with me over you in the middle of the night, asking if you have any ice cream and Magic Shell in the kitchen.

It's "The Last Man on Earth," starring Vincent Price. Written by Richard Matheson, based on his story "I Am Legend..." which is incidentally coming out soon starring Wil Smith.

And yes, the movie's public domain. We're not getting sued over this.

Oh, You Dumb Bastard Robot...

2007-10-24T11:49:00.000-04:00

You know what I love in comics? I love it when a villain is so all-powerful, so sure to win that they eventually get knocked down a peg or two via some dumb-yet-insanely clever way.

Take Ultron right now over in Mighty Avengers. Ultron, that evil robot created by founding Avenger Henry Pym is back and more powerful than ever. It’s not only managed to seemingly kill Iron Man/turn him into a hot, naked, robot doppleganger of The Wasp, but using Tony Stark’s armor, Ultron has managed to use the Avengers’ own futuristic technology against them. Power grids are shut down, The S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier is disabled and dogs and cats are living together. Things look pretty bad for Earth’s Mightiest.

That is, until Henry "Ant-Man/Giant Man/Goliath/Yellow Jacket/Wife Beater" Pym starts to remember the 80’s fondly….

And it works! Well, almost. S.H.I.E.L.D. manages to get powered up again, Ultron is kind of surprised and The Avengers get a little extra time to figure out how to kill that batshit crazy robot and play a little Pitfall. The day isn’t saved, but things are at least moving forward.

Of course, this would never happen in real life. In real life, evil androids bent on wiping out humanity don’t bullshit around. They just nuke everything. If you're lucky, before the nuclear holocaust begins, a message may pop up on your computer monitor telling you how humanity has become obsolete and that the time of the machines is at hand. Maybe. But where’s the fun in that? In real life, a Commodore 64 never saved the day, but it would be nice if it did.

So thank you comic books for giving us what we want. Thank you comic books for letting ultimate evil be toppled by obsolete video game systems!

Superman really is a dick!

2007-10-21T14:26:00.001-04:00

If you are bored, you could spend a few hours over at Superdickery.It showcases a collection of classic comic book covers as evidence that Superman is a dick. Here's one of my favorites.

Definitely worth checking out.

Das Boot- Ya Know... For Kids!

2007-10-13T22:24:00.001-04:00

This is an actual ad that appeared in comic books back in the 1960's:

“How proud you will be as commander of your own Polaris Sub- the most powerful weapon in the world!” You don’t get ads like this anymore and you sure as hell don’t get many doomsday devices marketed towards CHILDREN. By the time I came around, people were starting to get pissed that you could get a cap gun that looked exactly like a real hand cannon*. No one ever offered me my own nuclear submarine for just under seven bucks.

You have to wonder how many of these things were moved. You also have to wonder how many rich little bastards had daddy fork over a couple hundred dollars so they could have their own silent fleets. Arms races springing up all over the country in little suburbs between first graders, all of them facing off at the local lake, daring the other to be the first to strike, all ready to implement a scorched earth policy.

I even have this sickly wonderful image of Wally and the Beav turning a pair of keys at the exact same moment and dumping their nuclear payload onto that annoying asshole Eddie Haskell’s house.

I do want one though, so I'm going to send in $6.98 and that order form and see what happens.

* To be fair, a few stupid kids were ruining it for the rest of us by scaring the shit of cops with their realistic toy guns and getting shot. So, you know, there was that.

Okay, fine then.

2007-10-05T12:45:00.000-04:00

If no one else is going to post, I'm just going to put up a picture of myself naked.

Well, partially naked. I know that Turner and Derek got all excited for a minute there.

Superman Doomsday movie is here! It's... not horrible...

2007-09-20T01:24:00.000-04:00

This first stand alone DC Universe Animated movie is here. They've cut all ties to the last decade plus of animated series and have begun a new venture. How's the first outing?

It’s not horrible.

The animation is great, but the story is very week. I’m a fan of Superman and Bruce Timm. Don’t get me wrong, the movie is entertaining, but the lackluster script fails to impress me. If you are a fan of Superman the Animated series or the Justice League/Justice League Unlimited series, then you have already seen much better stories with Superman and Doomsday. I was hoping this movie would be a notch better than the Justice League Unlimited, while the animation and action are a notch up, the story fails to match JLU’s high standards.

There is practically no character development and what is there seems odd for Superman. Here’s an example. In a lot of the comics and movies and stories concerning Superman, he is always trying to get Lois to notice him as Clark Kent and fall in love with him without knowing he is Superman. This movie is the complete opposite. He has an ongoing romantic relationship with Lois (they are bumping uglys in the fortress of solitude), but doesn’t want to tell her his secret identity to protect her. Huh?

I’m not opposed to characters and story elements being different from one medium or project to the next, if there is a reason, but a lot of the changes in this movie feel like it is different just to be different. All of these characters have been animated for the last few years under Bruce Timm’s direction. Those designs have grown on me so I was disappointed that these designs weren’t better, only different (and does anyone else think Superman looks like he has a huge underbite eveytime he talks? And why doesn’t Mercy have a nose?)

There is very little emotion to the story. Sure, sad things happen and people cry, but just seeing people cry is not enough to affect me as a viewer. It’s as if I am being shown how I should feel instead of the story and characters creating these feelings.

Then there is Lex Luthor, his actions and words are there to show you how evil he is. He has no motivation. He only does anything to show the audience how evil he is. I won’t even start on his homoerotic fascination with Superman (“Whose your daddy?” --- creepy).

The battle with Doomsday is intense and the best part of the movie. Doomsday looked great and went a long way to make this movie aimed at older audiences by killing a lot of people. But Superman doesn't do much to prevent all these deaths either. He is notified that he is needed in Metropolis while in the Fortress of Solitude. He casually walks to the control room and watches new clips of Doomsday killing people while his robot explains to him where Doomsday came from (the robot no doubt found out on Wikipedia). Superman eventually gets to the fight, but then he destroys entire buildings with Doomsdays body. His last act alone probably killed quite a few people (although it was a pretty awesome way to end the battle). I know there will be lots of defense to this statement (the battle was horrific, he was fighting for his life, etc) but a lot of Superman’s character is how he bends over backward to preserve human life. He just didn’t seem that concerned about human life throughout the whole movie, and maybe the creators realized this so they added a crying child standing alone in the middle of the street amidst the battle for Superman to rescue at his own detriment. But enough about Doomsday, he’s hardly in the movie anyway (I know, he shares the title with Superman, but I guess that’s just for promotional purposes).

The pacing of the movie was a little odd and the Justice League were sorely missed. The original Death of Superman story arc was able to last as long as it did because there were several beats to the battle. First Doomsday was introduced causing mass destruction in rural America, but still partially bound by his costume. Then the JLA (made up of essentially second stringers at the time) confronted Doomsday only to have their asses handed too them while Doomsday literally still had one arm behind his back. Then Superman confronted Doomsday still in rural America, along with the injured JLA, only to destroy the rest of Doomsday’s costume, which was restraining him. The battle spanned several states and became much more serious because Doomsday was now unrestrained. Then he entered Metropolis. This was significant for two reasons. One, it was Superman’s home and two, it is a heavily populated city so collateral damage was more sever. Now I don’t care that this movie is not a direct translation, but Superman battles Doomsday at the beginning of the movie. There is no build in the stakes. Doomsday is introduced. He is not restrained in any way. Doomsday arrives in Metropolis. Superman uses his super arctic breath to freeze Doomsday (what is up with this writer and super arctic breath?). The arctic breath doesn’t stop Doomsday!!!! This guy is tough!!! Superman fights Doomsday. The battle is pretty awesome, but it has no build so it’s just another fight for Superman.

The funeral scene was disappointing without any of the other superheroes. I'm okay with leaving out some characters to streamline the story, but some cameos would have been nice.

It’s no secret that Superman dies in this movie. Now if you kill your hero in act one, then how do you top that in the finally? The comic book, however long and crazy, succeeded. The entire world was in peril. Disasters larger than Doomsday led up to the finally of the Reign of the Supermen. I know this movie couldn’t be an adaptation of the comic books, but I was hoping for something at least as entertain or interesting. After Doomsday, the movie follows a tried and true tired idea that nowhere near rivals the scope of the original story that inspired this movie.

I could go on and on about other things that annoyed me (Superman hanging out lifting weights, it’s not very dramatic that’s for sure or removing a small object from between your brain lobes with a mirror and a pair of succors in a beauty salon? The scene is creepy but come on!) but I think you get the idea. I’m being nitpicky on a poor script.

In closing, the first half hour is pretty good. The animation is topnotch the whole way through. I’ll re-watch it just for the battle with Doomsday, it is a great battle, even if it is a little short for the biggest battle of Superman’s life. If you want to see a better written story where the JLA fight Doomsday (it’s actually an alternate reality version of the Justice League, but it is still a pretty sweat battle) pick up the Justice League season 2 DVDs for the two part episode “A Better World.” It also shows a darker “reflection” of Superman if events had gone differently in his life, a theme this movie attempts to convey, but fails to do so, leaving the villain to explain this theme to the viewer. And the Justice League Unlimited episode “Doomsday Sanction” is one of my favorite episodes of the series and features Superman fighting Doomsday in the heart of an active Volcano. Talk about picking your settings. It’s beautiful. And Batman’s role in that episode is just icing on a very tasty cake.

Am I being hard on this movie? Yes. Maybe a little too much. I suppose if these previous animated outings didn’t exist, I might be digging this movie, but they do so why bother with this new inferior product?

DBZ season 3 is out!!!

2007-09-18T23:49:00.000-04:00

It is out. I bought it. I'll let you know more after I watch it.

SUCKA!!!!

Tony Stark, pre-douchebaggery

2007-09-11T20:05:00.000-04:00

Have you seen the Iron Man trailer yet? Of course you have. But just in case you haven't yet, what the hell is wrong with you????

Here, watch it in all it's armory goodness! (sorry for the no embedding. it's not on YouTube yet.)

Me? I can't stop watching it. Hang on a sec... yep, there. Just watched it again.

I really can't wait for this one.

D

Coming Soon: The 2007 Dragon*Con Report!

2007-09-03T18:17:00.000-04:00

Got a full report of Dragon*Con 2007 coming soon, but in the meantime, here are a few of pictures to hold you over. Enjoy!

Derek Stoddard and Chris Brennaman: Heroes for Hire!

My name is Derek Stoddard, and I approve this Storm Trooper.

Tiffany would fit in quite nicely in Care-A-Lot.

Check back in a couple of days for more nerd debauchery!

I'm at it again...

2007-08-28T16:33:00.000-04:00

Remember back when the grand old men of The Nerduary used to bring scantily-clad women to the masses?

It still happens from time to time.

Dos Primos/Connect Statesboro Swimsuit Contest video

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The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

2007-08-20T14:35:00.000-04:00

I recently finished this the newest installment in the Zelda series on Nintendo Wii. Overall I would rate this game 4 out of 5. The story is good. The controls are good. The graphics are good. The gameplay is good. Everything about this game is good, but not much is great.

The Zelda series is one of the most popular game series of all time, because it is its own genre. The Zelda games are puzzle games, action/adventure games, and role-playing games all in one. Twilight Princess fills all these niches. It is an improvement in many aspects over previous Zelda games. Although you spend a bit of time running back and forth across Hyrule in Twilight Princess, it is no where near a bad as in Ocarina of Time. Not to mention you get Epona (your trusty steed) very early in the game. Epona greatly improves travel times. Also, once you reach a certain point in the game you have the ability to warp between specified warp points.

I feel that some of the previous Zelda titles made some of the solutions to puzzles too ambiguous. Who remembers being trapped in a dungeon while bombing everything and pushing and pulling every object in the room while simultaneously killing every monster over and over and over just to look in Nintendo Power (or the internet) to find out that if you stand in the middle of the room and spin clockwise twice and then once counter-clockwise the doors would open and the princess would throw you a quicky before you went off to kill Gannon. OK, maybe I exaggerate a bit, not to mention deviate on a tangent. So, Twilight Princess has plenty of puzzles and push the buttons in the correct sequence to open the doors type of activities, and all of make sense, at least in Hyrule. None of the solutions are so ambiguous that you need outside help. Unfortunately, none of them are very challenging either. I know that this game's target audience hasn't finished High School, let alone college, but still.

The lack of sufficient challenge carries over to the combat. None of the enemies (regular or Boss) are very difficult to defeat. I was able to go through the entire game without ever dying in combat or using a fairy to revive myself. The only times my life got low was when I jumped off one too many cliffs or into lava too many times.

The above is mostly complaints, but I really don't have many more. Seriously, my only other significant complaint is that the swinging of the wireless Wii controller isn't perfect, so sometimes you swing your sword instead of bashing a critter with your shield. The game designers made the combat so easy that this wasn't ever a matter of life or death, so it was frustrating but not a big deal. That's it everything else about the game was either good or at least not bad.

I had fun playing the game. There are plenty of side projects. Game play is reasonably non-linear. There are a lot of nooks and crannies to explore and discover. Link gets some cool new toys, my favorite was the double hook-shot (although they call it something else in this game). There are some funny characters, and some fun minigames. The fishing is good, not to mention you can lure fish or fish with bait.

I highly doubt I will replay this game from start to finish, however I do intend to go back and finish some of the side projects, as well as explore some more nooks and crannies.

If you have a Wii or a Game Cube, it is definitely worth picking up this game and spending 40 or so hours playing and beating this game.

Did you know?

2007-08-16T15:46:00.000-04:00

Since it's been quiet lately, I'll add something useful that I was honestly surprised by.

Did you know that Joss Whedon wrote the script to "Alien: Resurrection?"

Here's what he had to say about it:

"It wasn't a question of doing everything differently, although they changed the ending; it was mostly a matter of doing everything wrong. They said the lines...mostly...but they said them all wrong. And they cast it wrong. And they designed it wrong. And they scored it wrong. They did everything wrong that they could possibly do. There's actually a fascinating lesson in filmmaking, because everything that they did reflects back to the script or looks like something from the script, and people assume that, if I hated it, then they’d changed the script...but it wasn’t so much that they’d changed the script; it’s that they just executed it in such a ghastly fashion as to render it almost unwatchable."

Namor Don't Fuck Around

2007-08-05T13:07:00.000-04:00

When a young Kree boy comes to Earth and declares war on humanity, most of the other heroes sit around trying to figure out how to reach out to the obviously upset and disturbed young man.

Namor the Submariner? Let's just say he suggests a more direct approach to disciplining the boy as seen in the new issue of Illuminati:

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how one goes about not fucking around. And, in case you're wondering, Namor actually spends most of the issue following through with his recommendation. He beats the shit out of a teenage boy to teach him respect.

Fun Panels From Last Week's Comics!

2007-07-28T23:45:00.000-04:00

There are some panels from comics that just jump right out at you. Some are noteworthy for their sheer awesomeness while others make you just scratch your head in bewilderment. This past week had three of note for me that ran the gamut.

First up, we have a panel from X-Men #201. In this issue we learn that Mystique, who had seemingly turned over a new leaf and even had "relations" with Bobby "Iceman" Drake was really biding her time to screw the team over. Of note, though is her method of temporarily disabling Iceman's powers:

Nice! Now there's a woman that really knows how to think outside the box. Or in the box, depending on how you look at it...

Next up, we have a scene from Countdown #40 in which we find out just how behind the times The Daily Planet really is:

So let me get this straight; The Daily Planet, perhaps the most influential newspaper in the DC universe, has yet to make the jump to digital? Jesus, I worked for a small newspaper in south Georgia and they've been digital for years. This is kind of sad.

And finally, my favorite panel of the week, and perhaps the last six months, compliments of Batman #666:

Yep, that's Talia al Ghul's (daughter of Ra's al Ghul) ass! I'm not at all ashamed to admit that I lingered on this panel for a little while just to take it's magnificence in completely. Hell, I even wanted to jump onto the page to high-five Bruce Wayne. Sure, you can be pretentious and argue that it's just a drawing of a woman's ass, but I say thee nay! It's not just a drawing of a woman's ass, it's a great drawing of a fine woman's ass! And it's Talia al Ghul, the most dangerous woman on the planet, with more blood on her hands than just about anyone else in the DCU. However, you have to wonder if this means Batman is an advocate for unsafe sex. I mean, he must be as he not only put his life on the line to totally bang her, but knocked her up to boot. Just what is the message being sent here?

Ah, who cares? Let's just look at it one more time:

Outstanding.

I am Spock. And Sylar.

2007-07-27T11:28:00.000-04:00

J.J. Abrams, director and producer of the as-yet-unnamed new Star Trek movie, announced at ComicCon that Zachary Quinto, Sylar from "Heroes," is going to play the young Spock.

He does kinda look like a young Nimoy.

But wait, there's more! Turns out Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner are going to be making appearances in the new film, too.

Nimoy's 76. So is Shatner. Pretty soon, the only place they're going where no man has gone before will be in a set of Depends. I'm guessing they'll be used as a framing device for the movie... but didn't Kirk die with Picard 13 years ago?

I'm skeptical on this one. I just finished re-watching the entire run of "Enterprise" with new roommate Bob, reaffirming that it was a kick-ass series with some pretty low moments. At the same time, it was really looking up the final season (until that atrocious finale episode). Hell, I'll go check out the new Trek film, out in 2008, so long as Rick Berman and Brandon Braga have nothing to do with it.

Youtube madness!

2007-07-26T14:53:00.000-04:00

Two videos that struck my fancy this week. First, in honor of Chris' love for Harry Potter and Lindsay Lohan's love of cocaine:

Finally, this one was pointed out to me this week - it explains why the "liquify" tool in Photoshop is every girl's best friend:

The End of the Harry Potter Saga

2007-07-26T08:58:00.000-04:00

It was a rough weekend. I wasn’t able to start reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows until Saturday afternoon because of work. Factor in another hiatus to have video game fun night with some friends and I really didn’t start in earnest until Sunday morning. But once I started, woo buddy, it was on. Just before Monday at noon I turned the last page, and was finally finished with not only the latest novel, but the entire Harry Potter saga.

And it sucked.

Not the book, mind you. Deathly Hallows continued to trend that J.K. Rowling started of each book getting better and better. In short it was a masterpiece of literature and I’ll argue anyone who says otherwise. In fact, and laugh if you will, I was almost reduced to sobs three different times. It was that emotional and typically I don’t get weepy over fiction, no matter how sad.

No, what sucks is that with the finishing of this one book, something big is over and you feel it.

Harry Potter has been compared a lot to Star Wars in its impact on modern pop-culture, and that’s not unearned. But now, having read them all, I can say the emotional impact on me was a lot bigger than anything George Lucas has served up. Yeah, I know how blasphemous that one statement is, but it’s true.

In Star Wars, even though Lucas was dealing in very similar archetypes as Rowling, you never really worried about the safety of anyone good. Sure, Obi Wan died, but after that, the good guys, you knew, were safe. You can site Revenge of the Sith as going against the grain, but how emotionally invested were really in Mace Windu or any of the other faceless Jedi who eventually bit it? Not much I’ll wager.

In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the death toll is high, and each lost life is a hard blow. The trend started in Goblet of Fire, continued into Order of the Phoenix and became downright shocking in Half-Blood Prince. None of that really prepared you for what Harry was about to lose in one book though. Fictional characters that over the span of a decade that you came to feel a real relationship with were killed and maimed in a war, though magical, felt real nonetheless. Even worse (or better), their deaths were never glorified. The violence was quick and brutal. A character is jovial at the end of one paragraph and dead mid-sentence the next. Some major and beloved characters even died off-page. People were torn away from Harry, and more importantly, the reader.

This book, and in turn the entire Harry Potter series, turned out to be epic in a Tolkien scope and a world that felt just as real as Middle-Earth was fleshed out before our eyes. You bought into a Ministry of Magic, a school where little wizards went to learn magic, house elves and everything else. Rowling may not have spent decades like Tolkien creating new languages or entire histories, but she wrote like she really believed in these things and in turned that translated to the reader. She never wrote down to her readers, explaining why her fans range from 8 to 80.

It’s all over now. Rowling answered pretty much every big question fans had, and showed exactly why Harry Potter was the chosen one. But with everything being over, it’s hard not to get a little down about there being no new Harry Potter book to look forward to. However, in the end, I’m glad it’s over. All great epics end, and this one is no different. Now the books can join the ranks of other literary greats and prove that literature and commercial viability do not have to be mutually exclusive.

End Media Silence

2007-07-23T14:20:00.000-04:00

Finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows this morning, but no time right now to post a full review. That will be coming in the next day or so.

What I do have time to say is that I feel emotionally drained right now. Not in a bad way, but in that each of the characters feels like a dear friend that I now have to say good-bye to. This book exceeded every expectation I had and, now that the Harry Potter cycle is completed, J. K. Rowling can firmly take her place as one of the literary greats.

More to come.

Harry Potter's Midnight Madness Sale!!!

2007-07-20T17:21:00.000-04:00

Tonights the big night! Whose ready?

I’m sure everyone knows I’m talking about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows which goes on sale at 12:01 tonight. I’m not ambitious enough to buy the books, but wanting to reread them all again before the 7 came out, I just dropped by my local library. I checked out the first 6 and put my name on the list for a copy of book 7 when it’s available. I’m only number 483. The librarian was surprised the number was so low.

Barnes and Noble is close enough, I might drop by to see all people in costumes, maybe check out the festivities. I know when book six was released, my friend Aaron and I went to the bar on the corner, then went to Barnes and Noble in time to make magic wands. Magic is so much cooler when vodka is involved.

But really, how many of you guys will be waiting at the local book store at 12:01(or oddly enough the local groceries stores) to buy the most anticipated book of the… millennium?

The closer it gets to midnight, the more I want to read it, but I’ve borrowed the rest in the past and I’m sure there will be enough copies floating around that I can probably borrow one if the whole library thing doesn’t come through.

And as a special treat here's a preview image of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows... Harry sure is growing up fast!

Okay, that's not from Harry Potter, then again, he will be 17 in this one so who knows...

That's right, I posted the British cover just to confuse you... I like it more than the American one anyway. I wish I had British copies of all the books so that every time someone saw me reading one, they didn't recognize it immediately and start talking about what they think will happen in book seven.

Do autobots need car insurance?

2007-07-17T15:32:00.000-04:00

I was browsing Mike Daisey's web page and came across a link to this letter over on McSweeneys.net.

A LETTER TO OPTIMUS PRIME FROM HIS GEICO AUTO INSURANCE AGENT.

By John Frank Weaver

Dear Mr. Prime,

We have received your accident-claim reports for the month of June—they total 27. I regret to inform you that GEICO will not be able to reimburse you for any of those repairs. I feel that I have sent the same letter to you once a month for the last six months, and I am now sending it again.

Since becoming a GEICO customer in January of this year, you have reported 131 accidents, requesting reimbursement for repairs necessitated by each one. You have claimed not to be responsible in any of them, usually listing the cause of the accident as either "Sneak attack by Decepticons" or "Unavoidable damage caused by protecting freedom for all sentient beings."

The only repairs for which you were reimbursed were the replacement of a cracked fender and a headlight, required after a Mr. I. Ron Hide backed his van into your truck; these cost $1,286.63. Our own investigation concluded that you were not at fault and that Mr. Hide had been drinking prior to the accident. Though police were unable to test his blood-alcohol level—Mr. Hide claimed that it would be impossible for police to examine his blood-alcohol content with a Breathalyzer, because he "doesn't breathe"—under Washington-state law, refusal to take a Breathalyzer test is equivalent to returning a result above the legal level.

But, I repeat, those were the only repairs for which you have been reimbursed, and it was a very minor accident in comparison to your other claims. I mention a few to illustrate the larger trend:

continues here

Alternatives to the big comic companies

2007-07-14T00:58:00.000-04:00

With Marvel and DC publishing so many books and mega crossovers, it's easy to overlook the small guys. At the Wizard World Philadelphia convention, I took the time to look for some of those small guys. The following are the people who impressed me enough to get my money.

Ape Entertainment won most of my limited supply of cash. I purchased a whopping six comic books from them and intend to follow up with more.

My favorite new comic book (and my second favorite convention purchase, after my Flash t-shirt) is the first issue of Teddy Scares.

It's a delightful book about Teddy Bears who were loved and disposed of. Now mangled Zombiefied Teddy Scares, they live in a garbage dump. Despite the occasional beheading, these cute stuffed animals really just want to be loved. The first issue is 56 pages and contains 4 tales of the lovely degrading teddy bears, narrated by Edwin, the poet of the group. They are lighthearted, entertaining, and, best of all, there's no continuity to follow. It's just fun simple stories. A character even dies, but only to get the readers excited because "that's what all the big comic companies do."

A full line of collectible stuffed Teddy Scares predates the comic book and a short Teddy Scares film is now up on youtube.

I love the axe wielding Redmond, he's so crazy.

Next up is The Black Coat, which demonstrates how important setting can be to a story. It follows a vigilante in New York, which isn't that unusual, but it takes place in 1775.

America is on the verge of open revolt and the British have allied themselves with a mystical group in hopes of regaining control of the Americas. Add in a Frankenstein like scientist working on an elixir for immortality and you have all sorts of trouble for our masked spy the Black Coat. I purchased the first issue of the second mini series instead of the trade paper back of the first mini, I know I should start at the beginning, but I was watching my funds and wanted to sample the series. The first issue relies heavily on what has come before, but manages to play catch up without feeling like its dishing out lots of exposition. The story has the feel of a real old school swashbuckling adventure tale. I'll be taking that first mini-series trade now.

Sullengrey was the third book I bought from Ape Entertainment and the incentives were enough to make this purchase worthwhile. Each purchase of the entire four-issue mini-series came with a free music soundtrack made for the comic book and a personalized zombie portrait by artist Drew Rausch.

Zombie Joe Ben!!

Sullengrey is a zombie like horror tale with a gothic punk art style that creates a nice dark scary mood. The artwork and dialogue are extremely effective at setting the tone.
There were moments, while reading at night, I had to turn on extra lights. Throughout the series, the occasional eerie photographs are very effective at suddenly making a moment more real. The artwork is so stylized that the comic is separated from reality, but one little photograph of a bloody woman wielding a chainsaw and suddenly, for a moment, the character is real.

While I enjoy Sullengrey for its creepy artwork and sharp dialogue, the overall story doesn't seem very focused. The wrap up seems too quick with out adequately revealing all the connections. I'm still scratching my head over a few scenes, but the D&D reference at the end makes me smile.

Previews for these comics as well as the rest of their line up can be found at www.Apecomics.com.

Loaded Barrel Studios impressed me with their visually interesting book "Brielle and Horror." The book is a mixture of photographs and pencil artwork. Every panel is staged with actors, which gives the artwork some nice depth. But the first issue is little more than an introduction to the characters.

I know more about the story from the blurb on the back of the comic book than I actually learned from reading the comic book. The dialogue is great and the artwork is realistic, but I didn't find this slice of the story intriguing enough on it's own to get me into the story.

The final comic on my pile is "The Last Sin of Mark Grimm" from Silent Devil.

Mark Grimm is a detective in what at first seems like a classic almost clichéd film noir story. It begins with Mark Grimm in a face off with two thugs. He tells them to drop their guns. They don't and he shoots first. Then Grimm gets a call from the Chief, who yells at him for killing the last leads on the big crime boss. Like I said, it seems way too familiar. Then things heat up. Grimm's wife is kidnapped and demonic thugs start showing up. As Grimm descends into the criminal underworld looking for his wife, the story starts to echo elements of Orpheus and Eurydice (read Neil Gaiman's Sandman... or Greek mythology). Although Grimm himself seems a little flat, the first issue moves along to a shattering conclusion that knocks Grimm on his ass and leaves the reader wanting more. The Last Sin website has posted a trailer for the comic that serves as a nice preview.

Want more? Both Ape Entertainment and Silent Devil offer many more books than those listed above, just check out their websites. But don't stop there! There are hundreds of unknown books out there from hundreds of unknown companies. If you have the patience to wade through the mediocre, you might find some real gems just waiting for an audience.

Icky? You Be The Judge

2007-07-13T18:13:00.000-04:00

Jamie Madrox. The Multiple Man. Leader of X-Factor and has the mutant ability to create sentient duplicates of himself simply by absorbing some kind of physical impact. They go out into the world, learn stuff, or just fight as an army, and when they're done, Madrox absorbs them back into himself, gaining their knowledge and experience. Best (and worst) of all, each one has its own personality. All in all, not a bad super power to have.

But this power, it does raise some questions that, until X-Factor #21, have never been officially answered or even officially asked. Sure fans have speculated, but to my knowledge at least, Marvel has never brought up a certain taboo pertaining to Jamie Madrox until this week.

If you could make another you... Um... I mean... would you...

Ah, hell, just let this panel sum it up:

Well, would it? Would having sex with a duplicate of yourself count as a gay encounter? Should it?

I guess what I'm asking, dear readers, is would you have sex with you? Not a twin (that's just perverted), but literally yourself. I really want to know. Answer honestly and tell why either way.

Seriously, let's talk about this.

Review: Transformers

2007-07-05T16:40:00.000-04:00

First and foremost, you have to understand that this isn’t the 80’s cartoon you know and love. This is a Michael Bay movie, complete with cheesy dialogue, cardboard characters, shallow-at-best plot, sweeping slow motion shots of carnage and action and about a dozen other action movie clichés.

But when the screen goes dark and Peter Cullen’s deep, husky voice comes up and begins to explain the origins of Transformer life and the million year-long war on Cybertron, you kind of forget all the bad things you know are coming and give into the inner eight-year-old that begs to come out upon hearing the true voice of Optimus Prime again after a two decade absence.

That’s basically what Transformers is. A compromise. On the one hand, you have a flick filled with pretty young people with no real purpose, older B-list actors basically playing roles they’ve played in countless other movies, and lots of slap-stick comedy (like Bumblebee “pissing” on a government agent) that gets old fast and on the other hand, you’re living the dream you’ve had since first grade of getting to see real Transformers duke it out.

Here’s the plot in a nutshell: The Allspark, source of all Transformer life, was lost millions of years ago but landed on Earth. Megatron wants it so he can revive his depleted Decepticon forces. The Autobots want to keep him from doing that. High school student Sam Witwicky holds the key to where the Allspark is so naturally, Autobots and Decepticons alike want a chat with him. Oh, and there’s a hot chick in there for the sole purpose of showing off her hot tummy.

Aside from Sam Witwicky, pretty much every human character is pointless. We don’t need them. People came to see giant robots engaged in mortal combat, period. So why is more time is spent on toss-away characters than on, say, the Decepticons? Sure, it’s funny seeing a hacker freak out at the FBI raiding his apartment, or Bernie Mack giving an old woman the finger, but I would have rather seen Starscream being, well, Starscream. The Autobots get some nice screen time, but save for the fights (more on them later), the Decepticons are just there. Hell, most of them, Megatron included, don’t even show up until the last half hour of the movie. The one Decepticon that is almost always around, Frenzy, is just a cartoon character there for laughs more than anything else.

Then there’s the product placement. It’s very clear that Michael Bay financed this picture by going through the yellow pages and calling every corporation he could. Not only does GM get the biggest rub, but there’s even a scene where a Mountain Dew machine, an X-Box and a Buick accidentally get turned into Transformers. I get that it costs big bucks to make a gaggle of realistic transforming robots, but can’t you be a little more discreet than that? There’s also a pretty big plug about Nokia during what is otherwise a pivotal scene. These are just a couple glaring examples.

The plot also completely falls a part in the end. Characters begin making choices that contradict statements they made to the contrary just a few scenes earlier just so it can be humans, not Transformers that are the key to the battle. It takes away from the climactic battle and almost pulls you out of the moment.

But there were some good points here. The action was just top notch. No question about it, Michael Bay made me believe that I really was watching alien robots battle it out. It was incredible to see on the big screen. The battles on the streets of L.A. are just awesome, and there’s a scene where Starscream takes on a squadron of fighter jets by himself that is truly an innovative use of a Transformer’s abilities. Megatron, while bearing no resemblance to his cartoon self, was also pretty badass. Scary even. Best of all, he has no problem casually flicking humans out of his way.

Then there is Optimus Prime…

Optimus Prime is the only robot that ever made me want to be a better person, and despite all the shortcomings this film had (and there were many) getting the chance to see my old friend again was more than worth the price of admission. He was noble, philosophical, compassionate, heroic and inspiring. Not only did the special effects crew make him look great (the flame job doesn’t actually bother me that much anymore), but Peter Cullen still has it. His voice has aged a little, but God almighty that was Optimus Prime I was listening to on that screen. Aside from one or two poorly written samples of dialogue, the character was spot on.

And yes, when he confronts Megatron, he says that most famous of famous Optimus Prime quotes: “One shall stand, and one shall fall.” I just had another geekgasm typing that.

So there you go. Not a great movie by any stretch of the word, but honestly, good enough to see in theaters. Despite the crap, it was worth it all just to see live-action Cybertronians using Earth as their personal battlefield. So put down the grudges and give it a chance. Like I said, it’ll all be worth the pain when Prime’s voice comes up for the first time.

As The New Captain America, I Nominate...

2007-06-29T12:25:00.000-04:00

Who should be the new Captain America now that Steve Rogers is supposedly taking the long dirt nap? While fanboys have speculated (and been teased with) possibilities like Hawkeye, I actually have my own nomination.

Dennis Dunphy, The Demolition Man (or, D-Man for short)!

A former athlete, former wrestler and on-again off-again homeless guy and hobo, D-Man is the perfect candidate for the job of filling Steve Rogers shoes.

For starters, most of his “missions” involved working with Cap. The guy looked up to the star-spangled Avenger. So you know he would look at the promotion as an honor. Besides, most of his career in the super hero biz has been a bust and his luck pretty much sucks. When Morgan LeFey transformed reality into a medieval fantasy land, all the other heroes got to be knights and wizards and all kinds of other cool, Renaissance fair dream-come-trues. D-Man? He became "The Serf!" Even his alternate universe selves suck. Isn't it time something bitchin' went his way?

Second, the guy's a steal! Since he’s a vagabond and bat-shit crazy, Tony Stark and The Initiative could pretty much pay him in used blankets, half-eaten sandwiches and Dixie Cups of assorted change.

The Authority Don't F#@K Around

2007-06-27T13:24:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the first installment of what I hope turns into a fairly regular feature here at The Nerduary. What started as a BS session with Nerduary contributor Derek inspired me to write on a subject near and dear to both our hearts.

That subject? Characters in genre fiction that don’t fuck around.

This is a big deal as comics, sci-fi and genre fiction in general is filled with A LOT of fucking around. Batman may seem the consummate hard ass, but why is the Joker still breathing? Jesus Christ, the guy killed one Robin and paralyzed and molested Batgirl, not to mention has racked up a body count in the thousands. Meanwhile, Superman stands for everything we aspire to be, but how could he justify letting Lex Luthor, a guy he knows is the most evil bastard in the world, get elected president and then follow orders from him? See? Those are examples of characters fucking around.

But let’s focus on characters that DON’T fuck around. And first, we begin with The Authority.

Might Makes Right

Jenny Sparks, Jack Hawksmoor, Apollo, The Midnighter, The Doctor, The Engineer, and Swift. Most got their start working for Stormwatch, a United Nations sanctioned team, doing run of the mill super hero stuff over in the Wildstorm Universe. Saving the world from various super villains and other global catastrophes, all the while pulling in a paycheck and working for the man. Then, things got screwy and Jenny Sparks realized that the man was not only corrupt, but a megalomaniac with lots of blood on his hands. Instead of doing what other super heroes do and fighting the system from the inside, she went out started her own system.

Thus, The Authority was born.

“Good” Is Relative

The Authority couldn’t give a shit about what you or anyone else thinks of them, and is the kind of team that would be villainized in the main Marvel or DC universes. While they are heroes, they’re also hardcore killers. They don’t believe that every baddie can be reformed or that life is a gift that no one should take. In fact, the opposite is true. Their feelings on life is that if you abuse it, you lose it. Hell, they’ll probably use your best friend’s head to bludgeon you to death just for the irony.

Oh, and they once went back in time to kill a baby that would grow up to be a colossal douche.

Making A Statement

The team is also extremely political. These guys go around not only actively saving the world from insane, godlike threats, but they try to change it as well. They don’t respect any government, any borders or any politician, no matter how influential. In their first outing as a team, to stop an insane dictator who has holed up inside his country’s capitol city, The Midnighter (an analogue for Batman, and, you know, gay) actually flies their headquarters (a 50 mile long, one mile high space ship) through downtown and into his stronghold. Sure, hundreds, possibly thousands of civilians living under Kaizen Gomorra’s rule are killed in the process, but to The Authority, the ends almost always justify the means. The worst of the worst of bad guys is taken out, and the world is a safer place for it.

The Authority doesn’t tolerate corruption. Not only will they go into a country to topple a crooked government, but they’ll even liberate parallel Earths from oppressive rulers. And I’m not talking super villains only here. No, I’m also talking about sovereign governments with normal, very human leaders. If The Authority thinks you’re fucking around, buddy you better watch your ass. Like the time they got fed up with the United States and took over the entire country. Yeah. That happened.

I’m Not Your Kid’s Role Model

The members of The Authority don’t believe themselves to be role models either. They drink a lot, screw a lot, and even do the occasional illicit drug or two. They could give a shit what you think of them, and when people whined that Apollo and Midnighter’s gay marriage was a slap in the face to decency, they couldn’t have cared less. In fact, they went and adopted a baby. Take that conservative right!

Big Trouble

Since they are super heroes, though, let’s take a look at some of the super threats they’ve faced and stopped:

Beat back the might of an entire parallel Earth
Evacuated the entire population of the planet when Earth seemed to be attempting the shrug off humanity.
Took on and beat a multiversal corporation that turned entire worlds into fossil fuel stores.
Killed God.

And those are just a few examples.

Ebb and Flow

Warren Ellis wrote the consummate Authority stories, with Mark Millar coming in at a very close second. Ed Brubaker did some interesting things with the team, but the concept got watered down after a while. It kind of became a game of how can we top ourselves this time tempered by DC comics (owner of the Wildstorm Universe) getting nervous about the over the top violence and extreme left politics of the book.

But no matter what, The Authority proved beyond a shadow of a doubt, one thing:

THE AUTHORITY DON’T FUCK AROUND!

Here's Your Conscience, Bub

2007-06-26T10:22:00.000-04:00

People sometimes forget that over the years Wolverine and Cyclops have developed a pretty cool relationship. Originally, Wolverine lived only to antagonize the consummate X-Man, but as time moved on, they've kind of grown to understand each other. Some writers forget this and try to revert their relationship back to 1979, but sometimes, we get beautiful moments like this one from the one shot X-Men: Endangered Species that just nail the Wolverine/Cyclops dynamic:

An awesome moment for a couple of reasons. One, only a guy like Cyclops could get a way with that kind of comment. Wolverine's the kind of guy that'd cut you neck to nuts for something like that with one quick snikt. But it's okay when Scotty does it. They've been through a lot together. Scott Summers has earned the right to make short jokes about Wolverine.

Second, it's good to see it acknowledged again that Wolverine is FREAKING SHORT! Seriously, the guy started out back in the day as being 5'3''. In recent years, thanks to Hugh Jackman, everyone kind of assumes him to be a tall dude. Hopefully this marks the return of Wolverine to his former status as official hard ass spokesman for short guys. God knows we need him back.

I mean, I haven't minded filling the role, but it kind of wears on a guy, ya know? Too many expectations.

Way To Go Stan!

2007-06-24T00:24:00.000-04:00

Stan "The Man" Lee is getting his own sensationally stylish star on the highly heralded Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2008! That's right, true believers, the celebrated co-creator of such distinguished, delightful and colorful comic book characters of all time will be immortalized for all in cold concrete!

Good on Stan!

I Fought Hitler, What The Hell Have You Done?

2007-06-21T11:59:00.001-04:00

The Justice Society of America never get tired of hearing the new kids on the block talk all big and bad about how cool they are and smart they are. Most of the time, the senior members of the JSA (who have been actively fighting evil since the 1930's) just kind of smile and let the newbies make whatever mistake they're bound to make. Then, like good mentors, come in and teach the whipper snappers a lesson.

Other times, it's decided to quit bullshitting around. And that's just what Jay Garrick, the original Flash does this week in Justice League of America #10 when one of those damned Legion of Superhero kids from the 31st century gets uppity...

DAMN! "Did you fight Hitler? No? Then why don't you take that piss poor attitude of yours right back to the 31st century little miss before I bend you over my knee and tan that bottom of yours!"

So What’s Cobra Commander Up To These Days?

2007-06-15T14:49:00.000-04:00

Let’s see, as of G.I. Joe: America’s Elite #24, he has:

Infiltrated the White House? Check.

Used said position to recruit new Vipers from the U.S. armed forces? Check.

Installed Cobra operatives throughout Congress? Check.

Used the baby of Destro and The Baroness as leverage to take full and total control of M.A.R.S., all of Destro’s fortune, estate and holdings? Check.

Accessed the names of all members of G. I. Joe, both active and reserve, as well as the names and location of all their family members? Check.

Told G.I. Joe as much? Check.

Also informed G.I. Joe that snipers are in place to take their families’ out at any time should anyone give him guff? Check.

Gained full access to all G.I. Joe tactics, strategy and information on troop movements from all branches of the armed forces? Check.

Officially been acknowledged as the most powerful man in the world? Check.

In the words of The Foo Fighters: “There goes my hero, watch him as he goes.”

World War Hulk: Hells Yeah!

2007-06-14T18:06:00.000-04:00

I love The Hulk.

It always sucked how he wanted to be left alone yet no one ever listened. Instead, they just kept chasing the big, green goofy bastard down and taunting him with tanks, Hulkbusters and whatever else could be thrown at him. Last year, Iron Man and some of his pals decided to shoot him off into space, thinking out of sight, out of mind. Not only did they never really count on him coming back but they sure as hell didn't count on him becoming the emperor of an entire alien civilization. Really, what are the chances of that? I mean, that kind of irony only happens in comic books! And as Marvel editor-in-chief Joe Quesada stresses all the time, the Marvel Universe is a realistic setting that reflects our own world. Only it has people with super powers. Wait, that's not realistic at all...

But he did come back, with an army no less, and The Hulk is ready to make folks pay. Best of all, he's pretty up front about his plans for the people of Earth. Check out his holographic telegram broadcast all over the world:

My God, he's not wearing underwear!

The only thing about World War Hulk #1 that's better than him articulating his old catch phrase very well is seeing The Hulk not only beat down Black Bolt on the moon, but seeing him beat that sanctimonious bastard Iron Man into the ground as the gathered heroes of the Marvel Universe look on in horror. And this is just moments after Tony gives this vomit inducing speech to the world about how even though he's so powerful, Iron Man always has the people's best interest at heart. Whatever dude. Hulk ain't listenin'.

Screw you, fascist!

See Civil War? This is how you do an event. Good stuff indeed and I can't wait for the next issue.

Countdown #46 Gets Nasty... And Me Likey!

2007-06-13T13:58:00.000-04:00

I am loving DC's new weekly series Countdown. Not only is great super hero action, but it really feels like stuff is going down. But, Paul Dini is also hitting just the right notes for me.

Like this panel from this week's Countdown #46 featuring Mary Marvel fighting off a new demon in town:

Hell yeah that demon is made out of dead babies! In comics (and pretty much every other media) a lot of demons talk all kind of smack about being evil and depraved and blah, blah, blah. But this guy puts his money where his mouth is. There's no question how evil this son of a bitch is. Jesus Christ, he's wearing dead baby's and later uses them as weapons. That rocks!

He doesn't stop there, though. Oh, no. He even wants to prove to Mary Marvel that when it comes to nasty, no one out does Dead Baby Demon:

Translated: "I'm going to eat the shit right out of you." Nasty! But hey, that's what demons are supposed to be, right? Big, disgusting, offensive, nasty critters that do all sorts of socially unacceptable things. And what's more frowned upon by the righteous than eating doo doo while covered in dead baby's? Not much.

Some people may have problem with shit eating, dead baby clothed demons in their mainstream super hero books.

I say we need more.

Message Boards Kind Of Suck (At Least In My Opinion)

2007-06-08T16:21:00.000-04:00

I have a love/hate relationship with message boards. Great ways to connect with other fans, always good to hear what the buzz is and easy way to kill time.

But every time I decide I want to participate in this grand old Internet tradition, people just screw it up for me. There are hundreds of different kinds of people that ruin the message board experience for everyone, and maybe I'll get to more of them some day, but I’ve narrowed down the top three types that really piss me off the most. So let’s just jump right in!

Type I - The Know-It-All

This guy isn’t that much different that the real world know-it-all. He’s quick to correct you on the most trivial topics; he always disagrees with you and takes great pride in sounding like a snob when dissecting your argument. He's the guy who wants everyone to think he's the smartest person in the room. Only, the message board know-it-all has a dark secret that he doesn't want anyone to know. Unlike his real world counterpart, the message board know-it-all can actually take time to research ways to try and make you feel stupid, and he really isn't as smart as he things he is.

See, in a real debate, people have to think fast and rely exclusively on what they can remember. Message board know-it-alls can fake having an encyclopedic knowledge of The Avengers by a quick search on Wikipedia. But nine times out of ten, they’re not going to be upfront about their knowledge. In fact, they’ll posture that this is some nugget they always carry with them, and fuck you for not being hip enough to know it yourself.

Message board know-it-alls want to make you feel like an idiot and many are moderately good at it.

Type II - The Proportion Blower

No, I don’t mean folks who say things like “Transformers is going to be the worst movie in the history of movies!!!” After all, where would we, as geeks be without that kind of fanaticism?

No I’m speaking of people that try to apply their own hollow existences to you.

Example: A few months ago, I posted on a message board that I thought it was sick how Wizard Magazine was given advance notice by Marvel that Captain America was going to die, so the company bought hundreds of said issue and were ready to sell “graded” copies of them for close to $1,000 on eBay. I felt like it was predatory and that the company was representative of everything negative in fandom.

I was subsequently told by the next poster that I was sick as real world issues didn’t bother me, but inflated comic prices did.

Huh? I checked again to make sure I had posted on a comic book-centric forum. I guess I could have posted on some political blog or Rush Limbaugh’s fan forum, but it was unlikely. Still though, I checked, and, yep, it was a message board dedicated to discussing comic books. I also checked to make sure I was up on world events. Sure enough, I had just talked politics with Jake a few hours earlier. Confident in my current events, I politely replied that while I’m not losing sleep over people inflating comic prices nor am I putting the importance of comic books over grave happenings around the world, I did want a respite from the “real world” long enough to talk comics with other comic fans. He replied back, even more snide this time, that I obviously had a problem or was having a bad day, said that he would "enlighten me" and as such suggested that I take a look at my life and ask myself what was important; comic books or real issues.

I then politely replied that he should take a look at his life, and worry about his mother developing AIDS and other serious STD’s as only an unrepentant whore could have spawned such as worthless, hate filled troll. A flame war ensued and I was given a strict warning by the moderator. I haven’t posted since.

My point? Simple. Here was a guy who, to this day, has racked up thousands of posts on a comic message board. To give perspective, I have only posted around 70 in the few months I’ve been a member. He joined a few months before me and is sitting at damn near 3,000. That’s a lot of time spent posting snide remarks. So you tell me who needs to get away from the computer and comic books for a reality check?

God, I’m pissed all over again about the whole affair…

Type III- Overlords

Here we go with the big Geek card: I found a Dragon Ball Z message board awhile back but I sure as hell ain’t gonna post on it. Most of the reasons revolve around it being filled with guys that make me look like King of the Cool Kids. My fellow nerds rarely bother me, but there is an uber-embarrassing nerd population out there that could sure be thinned.

But the main reason is that the guy who runs it, while he may be a great guy in real life (I actually me him in person once and he was a class act), is a total prick online. First, you gotta see the forum rules here. He’s not kidding when he says he’ll boot you for the most minor infraction. There are tons of locked threads and snide, public reprimands for venturing "off-topic" or for even taking a stance he doesn't agree with. Add all this up with a few other issues with the forum and you’ve got a not fun environment.

Not to pick on this fella, I will say that there are a lot of mods out there like him. God emperors of their domains. That’s fine I guess, as they're the ones footing the bill for bandwidth, but I can’t stomach controlling assholes in my real life, so why would I, or anyone for that matter, tolerate virtual ones?

The only thing worse on any message board than the tyrants are the hopeful lackey's, the guys who for some reason are trying to vie for the mods affection and approval by threatening to report you. Those guys just need an ass whipping.

So there you have it. Three big reasons why yours truly is rarely seen on any message board. Maybe there is a Shangri-La of message boards out there, where debate is lively but never rude, comments never taken out of context and overt dicks banned for life. Maybe one of you knows of one. Until I find out about it though, I’m sticking to The Nerduary.

Newsflash!

2007-06-04T02:34:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know. I wrote about how The Nerduary is all about hangin' out in the living room, discussing the geeky side of life. How we don't use it as a "here's what we're doing" site.

But dammit, Joe and AP got married!

I think I can speak for all of us who know Joe when I say these two things:

1) About damned time.

2) Rarely have I seen two people as perfect for each other as Joe and Anna. From the day they first met, (Feb. 5, 2005, as Joe reminded me), we all knew it was going to happen eventually.

3) Yeah, with you two living in Vegas, like we all really thought you'd come back to Georgia for the wedding...

Three, THREE things.

Congratulations, y'all.

Dragonball Z Season 2

2007-06-02T17:28:00.000-04:00

Chris posted about the release of the remastered Dragonball Z Season 1. Well Season 2 has been released now.

This is another bargain for all DBZ fans out there. This is another six disc set containing thirty or so episodes of DBZ, which have all been remastered, and look and sound great by the way. Check out the picture below to see exactly what you get.

I am really happy with this set except for one thing. That one thing being that it ends after the conclusion of Goku's battle with Captain Ginyu. Being that I haven't watched this show in about 6 years there is a lot I don't remember, so I didn't remember how much time gets wasted in certain episodes. Not to mention with all the Freeza pictures included I thought this set would get through the battle with Freeza. Well I guess I'll have to wait until Season 3 comes out, but at $30 per season (81 cents per episode) it is a steal, not to mention the bonus features available.

Heroes For Hire #13 And... Tentacle Rape!?

2007-06-02T15:51:00.000-04:00

A lot of fandom is in an uproar over the cover to Heroes For Hire #13 from Marvel Comics. Folks are in an uproar over it, as they say it alludes to tentacle rap e, a subgenre of hentai, animated Japanese porn. After the whole affair with the Mary Jane statuette, I figured this was just people looking for another furor to join in on. Still, I went and tracked down the image in question:

Marvel editor-in-chief Joe Quesada has come to the defense of the comic, saying that it was never the company’s intention to allude to empowered female characters being raped by monsters, and suggests that anyone who sees tentacle rape in the cover is obviously reading too much into it. But it’s hard not to come to that conclusion after seeing the image.

The women are bound, as are the women in most hentai tentacle rape flicks, they’re being groped by, yes, tentacles and their costumes have been removed to the point where their breasts are about to fall out. The heroines, instead of looking heroic in the face of adversity, clearly have resolved themselves to their horrible fates just by the look on their faces. No defiance to be found here.

Quesada said that Marvel just wanted to do a cool cover to showcase the menace of old-school baddies, The Brood. But how do The Brood operate? That’s right, using their tentacle-like tails, they forcibly impregnate their victims with Brood embryos.

Or, they tentacle rape them.

Now The Brood have been Marvel villains for a while, and though they have impregnated heroes before, it was never really sexually sensationalized. It was more like the face huggers from the Alien movies. In the strictest sense, yes, the aliens were raping humans in the movies, but it was never played like that.

Marvel also hired a Japanese manga artist to illustrate this cover, which furthers the idea that Marvel knew what it was doing when this cover was drafted. In Japan, everyone knows of the existence of tentacle rape porn, even if they don’t get into it (and really, who could?). It’s hard to explain that the images evoked were unintentional when the artist is someone immersed in the culture the images are from.

But let’s pretend that it wasn’t done to be an intentional riff of tentacle rape porn. Let’s just look at the cover for what it is. One, tentacles are phallic symbols and when they’re lashing around pretty, half naked ladies, it’s hard not to think they’re being used symbolically. Two, just what are people supposed to think when the tentacles in the image are dripping with a gooey, white liquid, covering the naughty bits of these strong, empowered women? Hell, check out Black Cat’s boobs:

Ladies and gentlemen, in the industry, that's called a "money shot."

Like the Mary Jane statuette, this cover is selling a sexual fantasy, and women are being made into submissive, sexual objects for the gratification of a primarily male audience. Fair enough, but unlike the Mary Jane statuette which is really just a cock-tease, the cover for Heroes For Hire #13 is overtly sexually degrading and draws its inspiration from a subgenre of porn that features the repeated and violent rape of women by monsters. It takes a lot to offend me, and I’m not saying this cover does, but one would think that Marvel, a company enjoying a degree of mainstream success unheard of since Stan Lee became a popculture sensation back in the 1960’s, would avoid drawing any parallels to rape fantasies, porn or the extreme degradation of women. People who don’t even read comics got upset when word broke that Captain America died. What will they do if the next character to get the tentacle treatment isn’t an also-ran like Black Cat or Misty Knight, but rather Susan Storm or some other character that the mainstream is familiar with? Maybe now isn’t the best time to make inside jokes to a small group of knowing fanboys when more people are looking in than they think, people who don’t think there’s anything funny or sexy about tentacle rape or porn in general.

Battlestar Galactica To End... Really

2007-06-01T20:09:00.000-04:00

Battlestar Galactica will indeed end next year. This article comes from Variety.com:

Low-rated but critically worshipped Sci Fi Channel drama "Battlestar Galactica" will sign off next year after its fourth season, producers said Thursday.
Move isn't a stunner. Rumors about the show's fate have been swirling for months, and the skein had to fight to get renewed for a fourth season.
Despite some of the best reviews for any show on TV -- and a fiercely loyal fan base -- "Battlestar" is a very expensive show to produce, especially for a cable net. Sci Fi has tried to turn that buzz into bigger ratings, but the show never seemed to break out beyond a core niche.
Sci Fi stuck by the skein, however, because of its status as a signature program for the net.
Exec producers Ronald D. Moore and David Eick issued a joint statement saying it was their decision to end the series.
"This show was always meant to have a beginning, a middle and, finally, an end," producers said. "Over the course of the last year, the story and the characters have been moving strongly toward that end, and we've decided to listen to those internal voices and conclude the show on our own terms."
Producers promised to end the show "with a bang."
Sci Fi exec VP of original programming Mark Stern said the cabler respected Eick and Moore's call.
"We have always known that Ron and David had a plan for 'Galactica,'" he said.
"Battlestar" will begin its fourth season with a two-hour episode in November. It will then return in early 2008 to finish out its 22-episode run.
Cabler hasn't yet said if it plans to move forward with a proposed "Battlestar" prequel series.
For his part, Eick remains busy. He's exec producing NBC's buzzworthy "Bionic Woman" remake and has a slew of other projects in development.

Truly sad news as anyone who has ever seen this show knows just how great it is. And if you haven't, think Firefly only more political and gritty. This the kind of science fiction that holds a mirror up to our society and shows us the warts and all. But, maybe this isn't all bad. We'll have had four good seasons and the show will now be forced to have an ending, instead of just meandering along, riding on past glories. Season 4 should be a good one.

What I Wish Journalism Was Like

2007-06-01T00:01:00.000-04:00

An exchange between Daily Planet editor-in-chief Perry White and reporter/photographer Jimmy Olsen from DC's Countdown #48:

This is why I want to be a reporter in the DC universe. The only leads my editors ever told me to follow led to county commissioners, city clerks and shrimp boat captains crazier than shithouse rats who wanted to hurt me (long story, but funny). And The Daily Planet, though fictional, is a legit and highly respected news outlet, not some rag of a tabloid.

To this day, I dream of being told by an editor to follow up on the alien lead and not have him refering to a Mexican.

Aw, crap.

2007-05-31T11:32:00.000-04:00

Upper management at the BBC has been taken over by Cybermen and Daleks.

Okay, not really. But the fourth season of the revamped Doctor Who is going to be the last one - seems that the workload is just too much for the staff, and they're planning on drawing it to a close (or just resigning en masse) after year four.

The show's pretty popular and drawing in massive advertising revenue, so I'm thinking that throwing money at the problem (a la salaries for more staff) might help.

Or this could just be a political ploy on the part of the producer. "If I don't get more help, this thing is gonna have to end!"

Yeah, I've tried that one before...

By the way, I gave The Nerduary a shout-out in Jake's Take this week. Check it out.

Dinobots Attack!

2007-05-29T21:43:00.000-04:00

Movie Review: Pirates of the Caribbean- At Worlds End

2007-05-27T01:16:00.000-04:00

SOME SPOILERS

Saw Pirates of the Caribbean: At World End and despite a dismal 48 percent rating over at rottentomatoes.com, I have to say I rather enjoyed it. It stayed true to the first two flicks, was packed with spectacular action sequences and even had its share of heartbreaking moments. Sure, it suffered a little from what hurt Spider-Man 3, what with the cramming of a lot of different, yet integral, characters and criss-crossing plot elements, but unlike Spidey, this managed to maintain its style and its substance.

Pirates 3 is, at its core, the tale of the end of an era. The days of free roaming pirates, old-world superstitions and mystic forces are gone, replaced by the tightening grip of empires and large corporations. Not just symbolically, but literally as the East India Company has not only subdued the mythical Davey Jones and forced him into their service, but have forced him to slay his own kracken to drive home that the seas have new masters. Everyone knows that, as the title says, the world as they know is at an end, but that doesn’t mean they have to go silently along with it.

All the major players are back. Johnny Depp does is Keith Richards-as-pirate thing, Keira Knightly is still smoking hot as Elizabeth, and Orlando Bloom is still the lovelorn Will Turner, but this time out much darker. Seems that young Will hasn’t let his time with conniving pirates go wasted, as he’s now learned how to not only play all sides against each other, but how to betray people over as well.

The true joy of the movie though lies not in Johnny Depp’s now iconic Jack Sparrow, but in Geoffrey Rush’s Captain Barbossa, now back from the dead. Where Depp took the pirate motif and molded something new from it, Rush draws his inspiration instead from the kind of pirates that have been portrayed since pirate movies were first put to film. Only, he does it better. He’s larger than life in his swash buckling ways, reveling in the violence of his chosen life-style where Sparrow often times shuns it. He’s murderous, devious and not to be trusted, but in this movie, we also see that he has some shred of honor. There are things he cars about and this goes a long way towards removing him from the mustache twirling villains we saw in his first outing. We also see that he’s more of a leader than Sparrow, always sure of his commands and always ready with a plan. In fact, you could say he’s the anti-Jack Sparrow, who usually relies on fate and blind luck to get him out of every bind. Barbossa plans, and plans well. Sparrow realizes how competent Barbossa is and some of the best scenes in the movie come from Barbossa and Sparrow fighting over who the captain of the Black Pearl really is. You understand how this guy could get a crew to mutiny against a captain like Sparrow in his favor.

But other critics are right that there’s a lot going on in this movie. On top of having to tie up lose ends from the last film, we get introduced about a half dozen new plot lines this time out, and resolving them becomes a juggling act at best, and many get rushed resolutions. We hear that if Calypso, goddess of the sea is released, then her retribution will be fierce, but beyond a bad, yet very localized, thunderstorm that wrath never really manifests. We catch a glimpse of Davey Jones’ former humanity and are led to believe that it will later play a part, but it never does. Other plot points get quickly added on in the exposition of one scene to be resolved via exposition in the next. And it never is really spelled out just how and why Barbossa was able to come back to life.

Some of the gags also get old. We had two movies to see how silly a monkey can be. Do we really need it driven home in every scene of this one?

Still, I enjoyed it. When Will Turner’s fate hits him, it not only breaks the heart of his new bride but the audience's as well. When Jack Sparrow goes against his nature and gives up immortality to save a person who he’s not overly fond of, you get the warm fuzzies. And when all hell breaks lose in the final sea battle, you just get giddy.

Many critics are complaining that Pirates 3 doesn't really bring anything new to the table. There are plenty of movies with overt social messages or that change the way you look at the world around you, and I’m always up for that. Other times you just want a break from real life. I walked in expecting to be thrilled and entertained and to see larger than life characters doing larger than life things. On those fronts, Pirates 3 succeeded in spades. The filmmakers never lose sight of what the audience is there to see, even if in some places their reach exceeds their grasp. This is just a great, escapist film.

Jesus Christ, I'm older than Star Wars, too?

2007-05-25T16:35:00.001-04:00

Derek beat me to it, but I'm going to give all of you a present:

The 30 best Star Wars fan film clips ever.

Force choke out the candles!

2007-05-25T15:51:00.001-04:00

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, Lord Vader...

Happy birthday to you!

Oh, just in case you didn't know (and being nerds, why wouldn't you?); Star Wars turns 30 today.

Nerduary Showdown: Mystery of the Haunted Amusement Park

2007-05-24T00:01:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Cylon technology, KITT trounced them dang Duke boys (and, evidently, the entire human race). Let's see who's squaring off this week...

***

Jebidiah Henderson was about to lose his amusement park. Attendance figures had dropped as rumors of ghosts haunting the place ran rampant. Old man Jenkins had been trying to buy the place for years, and now it looked like Jebidiah would have no choice but to sell the family business to the mean old bastard. But he did know people, and with one call, help was on the way.

The black van pulled up to the amusement park, and the battle hardened A-Team got read for work.

“Alright boys,” Hannibal said, lighting a cigar. “Let’s get to work. I’m willing to bet these ‘ghosts’ are less supernatural than they would have us believe.”

“I pity the ghost that messes with us,” B.A. Baracus said. “If I see a ghost coming towards me saying 'booo', I will look him in the face, and I will say ‘Ghost! I’m tired of yo jibba jabba!’ Then I will put my foot in his ass.”

As the team readied for work, a new van pulled in, a van more colorful than the black van the A-Team arrived in. Four teenagers emerged along with a goofy looking dog.

“Hey gang,” said the leader, a blond preppy fellow in a neckerchief. “I smell a mystery!”

"And, like, I smell funnel cake!" Said a hippy in a green shirt.

“Look,” Jebidiah said. “I’m glad so many people want to help out me and my family, but I can only afford to pay one of you. So whoever gets the job done first gets the paycheck.”

“Sounds good to me,” Hannibal said.

“Me roo,” said the dog.

Jebidiah shook his head and got his checkbook ready.

***

Who will be the first to solve the Mystery of the Haunted Amusement Park?

The A-Team?

Or Mystery Inc.?

Voting ends next Thursday!

Negative Feedback

2007-05-23T12:18:00.000-04:00

The quick details: A statuette of Mary Jane Watson was made. She looks super-sexy in the statue as she finds Peter Parker’s costume in the laundry basket. Hard-core fans got pissed that a “wholesome” character was being “sexualized.” Is she overly sexualized? Certainly (not only is her pink thong riding high, but how does that tiny torso support such large breasts?). Does it affect my life in the least? Not at all. Yet, for some reason, the media decided to let the mess in Iraq, a corrupt White House and a million other things go so they could cover this “breaking” story. All the major outlets, both print and broadcast spent the better part of a day focusing on this dumb little statuette obviously made to get horny fanboys to fork over a few hundred bucks.

Then MSNBC said reminded us all as to why it remains the retarded cousin of the 24-hour news family. They did a four minute “expose” and brought in the best expert they could to breakdown the furor over this Mary Jane statuette. No, not Stan Lee, John Romita, Joe Quesada or even the guy that sculpted it. Nope, only the biggest expert for MSNBC...

Feedback, winner of The Sci-Fi Channel’s Who Wants To Be A Super Hero? Don't believe me? See for yourself (although I should give you heads up: expect to lose some brain cells):

It’s rare that I’m embarrassed to be a comic book fan, but this is one of those occasions. Actually, I'm also embarrassed as a reporter.

Oh, and I would have gone with Major Victory.

Well I Suck! This movie will probably also...

2007-05-22T02:43:00.000-04:00

So, I know I didn't want to know any more about the abomination that will be the Transfomers movie. Unfortunately I went to see Shrek III, which by the way was not as good as the first two (kinda like Spidey III), and they showed a new trailer for Transformers.

First, let me clarify, I'm a fan of Shieaieiaiai Le Bouefff, or whatever the kids name is. He made me laugh on "Even Stevens". Anyway, he's in the movie, as the main character. His dad plays an awesome prank on him in the beginning of the trailer, and even though Optimus Prime looks nothing like the Optimus Prime of yore, this trailer made me want to see the movie.

So, here's my plan:
Get Drunk.
Get Derek Drunk.
Force drunken Derek and drunken Turner to sit through Michael Bays abomination, with incredibly low expectations.
Hope to be entertained.
Report to the Nerduary, with the warning that all movies are better when watched with friends, especially while drunk with drunk friends.

Here is a link to the new trailer (my browser kept crashing on me while I watched this, but maybe it will work for you).

The Fantastic Four's New House

2007-05-18T15:23:00.000-04:00

When it comes to super hero teams, you don’t get much better than The Fantastic Four. These are the guys that don’t just react to trouble, more often than not, their out there discovering new dimensions trying to find it. These are the guys that tangled with Galactus, turned the Silver Surfer into a force for good, discovered the Negative Zone and a whole bunch of other stuff that most super heroes don’t manage in an entire career.

First and foremost, The Fantastic Four are adventurers and scientists. Hell, Reed Richards is considered the smartest guy in like 20 universes.

But even the FF have their off days.

Round about Fantastic Four #85, the team was in a bind. Doctor Doom had kidnapped them and was holding them hostage in Latveria. He wasn’t torturing them though. Instead, he had taken their powers, set them up living the good life in one of Latveria’s villages and kind of taunted them from afar. Oh, then he unleashed an army of indestructible robots on said village to destroy all life (yep, Doom let killer robots loose on his people just to kill that accursed Richards).

Good stuff, but missing for most of the adventure was Susan Storm, aka. The Invisible Girl. She had just squeezed a baby out and was back home recovering from the pains of childbirth. But recover she did and while the boys were away, she went house hunting for her new family.

However, not just any house would do. The FF were celebrities at this point, and she wanted to get away from the paparazzi, autograph seekers and super villains. She told her real estate agent this after looking at some quaint but publicly accessible, and he told her about a steal.

He took her to a secluded spot in the woods behind a neighborhood and showed her this beaut:

For you or me, several questions would immediately spring to mind.

You’re really trying to convince me this is an actual house?
If you don’t know who the owner is, how can you legally sell this?
Do you sell other things that don’t belong to you?
Tell me you didn’t bring me here to rape then kill me?

Sadly, Sue doesn’t ask any of these questions. Instead, the woman who has repelled alien invasions and faced down Doctor Doom takes the Realtor at face value and chooses to believe that yes, that is a nice house indeed.

But Sue can’t just buy the house on a whim. Nope, she needs her hubby’s approval for that. So she rushes off to Latveria, helps rescue her family then brings them to see the new house. Everyone reacts in a (mostly) believable way:

Everyone goes inside and takes a tour, and rightfully so, get creeped out by this lovely house:

Reed even starts picking up that things aren’t right about this house. He notices that ever since he came into the house, his head has been pounding. Not a good sign, and he says as much to his family:

Thankfully, logic prevails and they get the hell away from this house, call the authorities and tell them that something strange, possibly radioactive, is sitting in the middle of a residential neighborhood.

Nah, just fucking with ya. They decide to move in right away. Reed even starts to hang pictures for Sue (who still loooooves her new home). Then things get uglier:

Wait? Reed gets constant headaches, can’t explain the origin of the home AND gets attacked by the house and still won’t man up and tell his wife that they’re outta there? We also learn that ever since coming into the house, all members of the team are slowly losing their sight. They’re going blind but still won’t move out! We call those, dear reader, RED FLAGS! Good God, and they’re bringing a baby into this death trap! They’re worse than the family from Poltergeist (I’m sorry, that family deserved everything they got because the first time my kid magically slid across the floor or saw chairs stack themselves, my feet would be hitting the fucking floor).

At this point even a retarded monkey would realize that a horrible mistake has been made and that it’s time to pack up. Unfortunately, this is The Fantastic Four, not a pack of retarded monkeys. We then learn the nature of the house, compliments of this guy:

That’s the Mole Man, one of Marvel’s most inept villains. He lives underground, controls a bunch of monsters and every few weeks stages an attempt to take over the world (it normally takes about ten minutes to subdue him). I also like think that he talks like Burgess Meredith. He built the house, only it’s not a house. It’s a machine to make the world’s inhabitants blind! Once everyone is blind, he can easily use his monsters to take over.

But like I said, this is the Mole Man and even blind, the team takes him out with ease. A family meeting is held, and plans are made to leave (I was thinking at this point that the house could anally rape The Thing and still Reed and Sue would insist on staying, so thank God for small favors). In the meantime, Mole Man makes a sorry attempt to escape, and to everyone’s surprise, Reed lets him go. Why? In his own words:

According to Reed Richard, Mr. Fantastic himself, "There's actually no law against trying to conquer the planet." Ah, to go back to pre-9/11 when anyone with a dream and an army of moloids could stage a half-assed military take over. How I long for simpler times. Seriously, though, I think the U.S. government would beg to differ with Reed, even back in the 1960's. Competent or no, Mole Man's actions are still an act of war on a sovereign nation. Reed's a man of science and obviously not a lawyer. If I were him, I would pray Nick Fury never caught wind of that screw-up.

I would also hire a licensed Realtor to find my next house for me.

The saga of The Fantastic Four's new house isn't all that bad. As far as super hero story telling, it's a fun read. You just have to pretend for four or five issues that the entire team has gone stupid. Blame it on cosmic rays I guess.

Nerduary Showdown: The Race Is On

2007-05-17T10:41:00.000-04:00

Last week's results are in and John Constantine proved once and for all that all you need to beat down the world's hardcore magic users is a little style and a wicked attitude.

This week, we head down South where...

It seems like Uncle Jessie’s farm is trouble again and the only option the Duke boys have is to enter the Hazzard County Cross Country Race to win enough money to save it. Everything looks great until, wouldn’t you know it, a last minute entry looks to be some actual competition.

Why? Because that’s no ordinary car, that’s KITT! Yeah, KITT and Michael just happen to be passing through and have entered the race on a whim.

Everything seems pretty even. While the Duke boys know Hazzard County and how to navigate through it, KITT has computers and most likely Garmin or TomTom.

Voting ends next week. Let the best car win!

The General Lee

KITT

'Namor' News and Ultimate Power #5

2007-05-15T11:25:00.000-04:00

David Boreanaz is evidently up for the role of one of my favorite super heroes/ anti-heroes, Namor the Submariner (think Aquaman but ten times cooler and a millions times more violent). Folks say he had an audition at Universal Studios this past week to play Marvel's king of Atlantis. This could be a good movie and Boreanaz could be a good fit...

I think he has the build for the role more than met, and would be able to pull off the pointy ears and winged feet. After all, he spent eight years wearing vampire make-up and looked good doing it. But I think to completely win me over I’m going to need to hear how he sounds yelling out “IMPERIUS REX!!!” while braining some hapless surface dweller. If anyone has ever heard Boreanaz yelling this, let me know how it sounded.

But, yelling skills or no, I do know someone who will be more than pleased to see the actor formerly known as Angel in nothing but a Speedo for two hours on a big screen.

What else do we have...

Ultimate Power #5: Good Comic, But the Cover Needs Help

Finally got around to catching up on Ultimate Power #5. Almost gave up after issue #4 was entirely dedicated to Nick Fury and his gang of heroes talking about getting the helicarrier through a dimensional barrier. Really, 22 pages dedicated to one conversation. But, I came back to see the showdown between the Ultimate Marvels and the Ultimate Squadron Supreme and was pretty happy. Lot’s of super hero violence.

My complaint though is the cover. I miss old covers that had blurbs and characters talking to each other and themselves. Now, covers are just glorified posters. Here’s the cover to Ultimate Power #5:

It looks cool enough, but I think more could be done to sell the fight between Thor and Hyperion and really get a fan’s blood pumping. Here’s what I came up with:

Why is Hyperion telling Thor to eat his butt? I don’t rightly know, to be honest. It just seemed like the thing to say before engaging the god of thunder in mortal combat. I think the real question is why wouldn't he tell Thor to eat his butt?

Footnotes Gone Wild!

2007-05-14T22:01:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, it’s a wonder comics lasted through the 90’s. Price gouging, speculation, crappy stories and bad art. All were working hard to be the one to drive that final nail into the coffin. But there’s one bastard from the decade of decadence that gets off way too easily, and I'm here to call it out.

I'm lookin' at you, footnote.

A standard of comics for decades, footnotes were traditionally harmless. Hell, they were fun even. Typically, they were used as follows:

See there? Everything you need to know you get from Jay Garrick. Two Earths, two sets of super heroes. Got it. You can now proceed to the rest of the story. But if you want to know more, well, do as the footnote says and pick up All-Star Squadron. Either way, you can enjoy the story at hand.

In the 90’s though? Pffft! In the 90's, the name of the game was expansion, whether the market could take it or not. And a sure fire way to make certain readers shelled out money for the new crap that was quickly taking up shelf space was by making one issue impossible to read without reading twenty others. You like X-Men and not Spider-Man? Too bad, asshole, because this story in X-Men you're reading ends in next week's Spider-Man which continues into West Coast Avengers and then in Daredevil! It was that bad.

Don’t believe me? Fine, see for yourself. Here's issue #26 of (the God-awful) Justice League Task Force:

See it? Looks harmless right? Kind of like a millions other comics. Almost looks readable doesn't it? Yeah, well, here we go:

3
(My favorite)

And we're done! Nine references to roughly TEN other stories that you need to read to really get what's going on in a twenty-two page comic! I want to read comics, people, not feel like I’m preparing for a research paper. I like continuity as much as the next fanboy, but wow. I feel dirty just thinking that I may, at one point, have attempted to track everything referenced in this issue down for a whole story.

These days, not so much. I get using one or two footnotes referring to other issues, but did anyone stop to think that maybe instead of making countless continuity references, maybe we should just tell a good story? I may be wrong, but I've always tried to track down well written, meaningful material over continuity porn any day (not to say I don't like continuity porn, just not this hardcore. I like it soft like the Playboy Channel).

Nowadays, footnotes have all but been replaced with recap pages (think the opening crawl from Star Wars), but publishers are still trying to play dirty. Footnotes are out, but tie-ins are, well, in. I read last year's Civil War and Infinite Crisis, but that was it. Just because a comic I hated had the words “tie-in” scrawled along the top meant Jack shit to me. Why? Because I already played that game once and have a closet filled with way too many longboxes filled with crap to prove it.

I don’t need more, thank you.

Heroes takes yet another page from the X-Men

2007-05-14T19:38:00.000-04:00

What do you do when you have successful show/comic? Why you make even more of said show/comic, silly! Or, at least a probably watered-down, yet still pretty decent second series.

'Heroes: Origins' On The Way

But who am I kidding? I'll watch. And I'll vote too. 'Cause I'm a fanboy, and I already kind of play the online experience and read the web novels.

Oh, and by the way, fuck you, NBC. You know, for the whole finally cancelling Studio 60 and whatnot. Bastards.

D

Questions on The Mighty Avengers #3

2007-05-13T11:28:00.000-04:00

Marvel released some preview pages of this week’s The Mighty Avengers #3 as well as the cover. Good looking art from Frank Cho. But there is one thing that’s bothering me about this image and leaves me with more than one question. Let's check out the cover art first:

At first glance, it looks great. But then I saw it. The placement of Tigra’s tail (far right). It's just odd. Go on, look at it again. Click to enlarge if you have to. See it? Now, my questions:

1. How does Tigra poop? I’m no anatomy expert, but that sucker looks to be protruding from where her anus should be. Is her tail keeping her backed up? Does her physical mutation go beyond just giving her stripes and a tail? Is her anus not where it is on most people? If her anus isn’t where it needs to be, then where is it? Is any other orifice misplaced?

2. Is that really her tail? What if The Avengers and the fans have been wrong all these years in assuming that that is a tail when really it's more disgusting than anyone ever thought? God help us all, but what if it’s just an exotic looking dingle berry?

3. Does Tigra cut holes in her own panties or does she special order them? I think she has to special order them because that hole looks sewn into the panties by a pro. Can any of The Nerduary’s lady readers tell me if Victoria’s Secret will cut tail holes in your underwear or not?

4. Has artist Frank Cho ever actually seen an animal with a tail? I have two cats who are not only proud of their tails but also like to show off their assholes at every opportunity (cats are dicks like that). They prove to me on a daily basis that their tails do not come out of their butts. Has Frank Cho ever seen a cat? Perhaps a dog? Has he ever been to the zoo or watched Animal Planet? I assume he’s an adult who knows the difference between a butt and a tail. I hope so at least.

5. Should I feel strange or worried that the placement of a comic book character's tail brings to mind so many questions for me? Should I be worried about the nature of the questions? If I had a tail, could I first request that it not come out of my butt or is it a luck of the draw kind of thing?

Frackin' hell.

2007-05-11T14:11:00.000-04:00

Looks like the upcoming season of Battlestar Galactica will be the last one. Dammit.

Probably a good move, though. I'd hate it to turn into Galactica 1980 or somethin'.

Nerduary Showdown: At War With The Mystics!

2007-05-10T18:25:00.000-04:00

It was a little late, but it's finally here, this week's installment of the legendary Nerduary Showdown! In the battle of the Marvel movie stars, Wolverine edged out contenders like the Hulk. No time for dwelling on the past though. On to a new showdown!

* * *

The Necronomicon. Bound in human flesh and written in blood, it is the unholiest of unholies. To have this book is to have ultimate power over life, death and the dreaded states in between. When Willow Rosenberg turned her back on all things good and pure, she decided to make it hers. In an old abandoned cabin in the woods, she stood over it, ready to take it.

“It’s mine,” she said to herself.

“Oh, I think not my dear,” came a voice from behind her that sounded almost a serpent’s hiss. She turned to see the Dark Lord Voldemort ready to take to book. “I’ll have this tome and with it crush Dumbledore and that wretched little Harry…”

“Bored now,” Willow said and readied to strike down the evil wizard. But before she could get the spell off, a portal opened, and out stepped an old, tired looking man with ancient eyes.

“Pretenders and common filth are not worthy of the wonders of this book,” Saruman said, raising his staff. “I’ll crush you both as I did Gandalf and with much more ease.”

The fight was ready to begin with all three dark mages ready to have at it. Each powered up until the smell of tobacco filled the air. They all turned to see a smiling, John Constantine standing in the doorway dragging on a cigarette.

“Don’t mind me, mates,” he said. “You do whatever it is blokes like you do. But if it’s all the same, that nasty little book there is mine.”

* * *

So there it is folks. A mystical showdown with the nastiest of the nasty sorcerers to ever grace fiction. A quick review:

Dark Willow!

vs.
Lord Voldemort!

vs.
Saruman!

vs.
John Constantine!
(not the pussy Keanu Reeves version but the badass limey comic version)

Oh, and one last minute combatant…

vs.

Gargamel!

Yep. Seems Gargamel wants The Necronomicon for use in another scheme to thwart The Smurfs. He plans to use deadites against them or something. You never can tell with that guy.

Voting lasts until next Thursday and you get to decide who that will be!

Nerduary Showdown Coming Soon

2007-05-10T08:04:00.000-04:00

Showdown grandmaster Logan doesn’t have access to a computer today and has asked that I step in and handle today's battle. But be patient. The showdown will be up today, but a little late (around 5:00 p.m.). Sorry about the delay but I promise it’ll be a doozey.

So check back around 5:00 to see who’s facing off today in mortal combat.

Spider-Man 3 Thoughts

2007-05-08T19:45:00.000-04:00

SPOILERS AHEAD! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Spider-Man 3 tore up the box office this weekend and as far as popcorn movies goes, it was a success all around. A lot of people have reviewed this flick, so I won’t try and add too much with my own assessment. Instead, I’ll break my thoughts down into three easy to follow categories.

Category One: Cool As Hell

- The black suit rocked. It just looked good on screen. In fact, I was kind of sad to see it gone so soon. Good stuff.

- J.K. Simmons is J. Jonah Jameson. Period.

- The action was incredible as were the special effects. Want to see where a billion dollars go in a movie? Well, here you go.

- Bruce Campbell is the man. It’s his world and we’re all just living in it.

- Harry Osborn joining Peter for the final battle was cool incredible as was his sacrifice. One of those moments where you want to stand up and cheer in the theater.

- Thomas Haden Church was The Sandman. Looked the part and acted the part. Great choice here.

- Any cameo by Willem Dafoe is welcome. Scientists have proven that by adding Willem Defoe into any movie, Body of Evidence being the exception, said move will increase its rockitude by a factor of no less than 10.

Category Two: Huh?

- Did anyone else find it strange that an alien crash landed just feet beside Peter Parker while he and Mary Jane just happened to be looking at shooting stars? Anyone? A little too convenient for me. I figured that since Mary Jane was engaged to an astronaut in Spider-Man 2 they could have had a sequence in the beginning with John Jameson accidentally bringing the alien goo back to Earth.

- Did anyone else wonder why Peter never really thought to question just where the hell his new costume came from or what the hell it was made of? Even Doc Conners seemed unimpressed that one of his students had just dropped a frickin’ alien off in his lab. You figure as a scientist that’s the kind of thing that would make his career and set his place in history. I guess Dr. Conners just doesn’t roll like that.

- Speaking of the black costume, I thought it was funny he kept it locked in a chest but the red and blue one on a hanger in his closet with everything else in plain view.

- Topher Grace as Venom just didn’t work for me. Not only was he too small, but every time the symbiote pulled back to show his face, it was like watching Eric Foreman try to beat up Spider-Man. I kept waiting for Red to show up and threaten to put a foot up Venom’s ass if he didn’t stop wrecking the city.

- While we’re on the subject of Venom, the guy deserved a movie to himself. Sure comic fans already know just how badass he is, but I get the drift that people seeing him for the first time just got the impression he was some schmoe with Spider-Man’s powers.

- Sandman realizes that it was wrong to try and kill Spidey, remembers his daughter and apologizes for killing Uncle Ben. And everything is ok? Granted, Peter Parker had just been put through the emotional wringer, but it just seemed too tidy.

Category 3: No, no, no!

- Saturday Night Fever: Spider-Man! just didn’t do it for me. It was funny for a couple minutes but then it was just annoying.

- Sandman being Uncle Ben’s killer seemed tacked on just to give the audience and Peter Parker a reason to feel like he was a real bad guy.

Funny Theater Story

I enjoyed the movie for the most part, but the experience was less than great. I think DVD’s and quality home theater systems have conditioned people to think that they are in their living room when they’re out in public. Seriously, people never shut the hell up from the time to movie started till it was time to go. A family in front of us kept having conversations, going as far as to yell over the movie so they could hear each other, the guys behind us gave their own commentary track (although it was funny when one said of Stan Lee’s cameo “Who the hell is that? Why they put that random old dude there?”)

So I think for the most part I’m done with the whole theater thing. It’s been a long time coming and now that movie prices are to the point of being $10 a pop, I just can’t justify going just to see any movie. From now, only flicks I really gots to see will make the cut. I doubt I’m the only person who feels this way.

That said, nothing beats going to the movies with good friends.

No easy way out

2007-05-05T00:07:00.000-04:00

My brother and I have been drinking tonight...

He showed me a video I thought everyone would appreciate.

Fans of Rocky IV and Star Wars will love this.

Enjoy.

Shameless self-promotion...

2007-05-04T13:40:00.000-04:00

We're all friends here, right?

You're all invited to the big closing reception for my gallery show at the Averitt Center for the Arts in Statesboro next Friday, May 11, from 6 to 8 p.m. on the third floor.

If you can't make it, I've got the next best thing for you. All of the show's photos, including ones that didn't make it into the final show, are right here.

Hey, I'll give you a taste:

Nerduary Showdown #41: A Marvel idea

2007-05-03T06:00:00.000-04:00

As much as it pains me to say it, it seems Chuck Norris won last week's showdown between the 1980s action stars. Let me just say that I forgot what an internet sensation Mr. Norris had become. Norris narrowly beat out Arnold, Sly, and Bruce to become THE Nerduary 1980s champ.

In honor of Spiderman 3 opening in theaters this week, this week's showdown will contain a record number of "what ifs?" Here we go.

What if, in an alternate universe, all the Marvel heroes, infected by some strange and rare jungle virus genetically bred with the Mars plague, were pitted against one another? What if these infected heroes were limited to just the male heroes? What if the only heroes affected were heroes that had appeared in recent Hollywood movies?

(If I forget some hero that applies to the above mentioned criteria, write him in!)

Here's the list. Vote and then state your reasons why.

1. Spiderman--teenager Peter Parker is introduced as being bitten by a radioactive spider during a science demonstration.

2. Daredevil--Irish-American Matthew Murdock is raised by single father and fading boxer "Battling Jack" Murdock in the Hell's Kitchen neighborhood of New York City. Jack instills in Matt the importance of education and non-violence with the aim of seeing his son become a better man than himself. Though Jack's intentions are noble, Matt is left unprepared to handle the bullying he received at school, and is branded with the sarcastic nickname, "Daredevil". Matt vents his frustration and anger by training in secret.

3. Ghost Rider--Johnny Blaze, a stunt daredevil, was the son of Barton Blaze and Naomi Kale. He spent his early years in the Quentin Carnival where his parents starred in a stunt show with Craig "Crash" Simpson. Blaze's family had ended when his mother abandoned Barton and Johnny and took the family's two children.

4. The Hulk--The Hulk is the alter ego of Dr. Robert Bruce Banner, an expert in nuclear physics. As a result of exposure to gamma radiation, Banner often becomes a large, superhumanly strong green creature.

5. Iceman--Robert Drake was born in Port Washington, New York, United States to William Robert Drake and Madeline Beatrice Bass Drake. His Powers first manifested when Bobby was on a date with Judy Harmon, and a local bully by the name of Rocky Beasely tried to take Judy away for himself. Knowing Judy could not put up a good fight, Bobby pointed his hand at Beasely and encased him in a block of ice. I know he's kind of "Iceboy" in the movies, but deal with it.

6. Cyclops--When Scott was a boy growing up in Anchorage, Alaska, United States, his father, USAF Major Christopher Summers, took the family for a flight in their de Havilland Mosquito. It came under attack by an alien Shi'ar spaceship. As the plane went down in flames, Scott's parents fastened him and his younger brother Alex into a parachute and pushed them off the plane, in hopes that they would survive. Unfortunately, the parachute caught fire and Scott struck his head upon landing. This caused brain damage to Scott, which is supposedly responsible for his inability to control his optic blasts, as well as prolonged amnesia about his childhood.

7. Wolverine--A mutant, Wolverine possesses animal-keen senses and reflexes and a healing factor that allows him to recover from virtually any wound. This healing ability enabled the supersoldier program Weapon X to bond the near unbreakable metal alloy adamantium to his skeletal system that includes razor-sharp retractable claws. He is also a master of hand-to-hand combat.

***

Granted, I did leave some out (Professor X to name one), but this was already on the way to becoming the longest showdown ever. Also, I know other movies are in the works (Iron Man), but I had to make the cut off somewhere.

So between these seven guys, if they were all trying to kill one another, no teams, no allies, a fight to death-who'd win? Who has what it takes to prevail?

I can't wait to see who wins this one.

Voting ends next Thursday.

Stan Winston's Iron Man

2007-05-03T05:59:00.000-04:00

We haven't posted much on The Nerduary about the new Iron Man movie in the works. They recently released a photo of the suit and I think it looks cool. Other than that, I don't know much about the upcoming movie. I'll keep my eyes open, though.

What do you guys think?

New take on a goldie oldie

2007-05-01T09:22:00.000-04:00

Man, I love this song. This new editing job is priceless.

Enjoy.

And, if you need a laugh, you'll love this.

What's wrong with this picture?

2007-04-30T11:53:00.000-04:00

As seen on the front page of Myspace.com today:

They're not even trying any more. Good to hear that Megatron's pulling a swerve and going face on us, though.

Random Monday image

2007-04-30T06:00:00.000-04:00

The Answer to this weeks Showdown.

2007-04-26T17:00:00.001-04:00

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Nerduary Showdown #40: Battle of the 80s action stars

2007-04-26T07:44:00.000-04:00

Last week's showdown saw the classic Star Trek crew led by Captain Kirk slip by with a victory over the Next Generation folks led by Captain Picard. Some saw it as a close battle while others seemed to think Kirk would have dominated.

On to number #40.

When I was a kid, we used to argue about the toughest action star. You know, the guy that could take all the rest. Narrowing it down to just the fictional action heroes of the 80s, who would take the coveted Nerduary Showdown belt?

We never agreed on an answer. Thanks to The Nerduary, we can settle this issue in the only way we know how-by bickering via posting.

Here are the contenders:

1. Awnald (Arnold Schwarzenegger)

2. Sylvester Stallone

3. Bruce Willis

4. Chuck Norris

I know there are more, but these are the ones I remember fighting over the most. Feel free to write in your own vote. The battle ends next Thursday morning.

New bad ass Harry Potter poster

2007-04-26T07:30:00.000-04:00

Everyone that knows me should be pretty certain how I feel about these movies. I've never really been a fan. To be fair, I have not read the books.

But even this stubborn nerd has to admit this new poster looks pretty cool. Check it out.