As The New Captain America, I Nominate...

Who should be the new Captain America now that Steve Rogers is supposedly taking the long dirt nap? While fanboys have speculated (and been teased with) possibilities like Hawkeye, I actually have my own nomination.

Dennis Dunphy, The Demolition Man (or, D-Man for short)!


A former athlete, former wrestler and on-again off-again homeless guy and hobo, D-Man is the perfect candidate for the job of filling Steve Rogers shoes.

For starters, most of his “missions” involved working with Cap. The guy looked up to the star-spangled Avenger. So you know he would look at the promotion as an honor. Besides, most of his career in the super hero biz has been a bust and his luck pretty much sucks. When Morgan LeFey transformed reality into a medieval fantasy land, all the other heroes got to be knights and wizards and all kinds of other cool, Renaissance fair dream-come-trues. D-Man? He became "The Serf!" Even his alternate universe selves suck. Isn't it time something bitchin' went his way?

Second, the guy's a steal! Since he’s a vagabond and bat-shit crazy, Tony Stark and The Initiative could pretty much pay him in used blankets, half-eaten sandwiches and Dixie Cups of assorted change.

The Authority Don't F#@K Around

Welcome to the first installment of what I hope turns into a fairly regular feature here at The Nerduary. What started as a BS session with Nerduary contributor Derek inspired me to write on a subject near and dear to both our hearts.

That subject? Characters in genre fiction that don’t fuck around.

This is a big deal as comics, sci-fi and genre fiction in general is filled with A LOT of fucking around. Batman may seem the consummate hard ass, but why is the Joker still breathing? Jesus Christ, the guy killed one Robin and paralyzed and molested Batgirl, not to mention has racked up a body count in the thousands. Meanwhile, Superman stands for everything we aspire to be, but how could he justify letting Lex Luthor, a guy he knows is the most evil bastard in the world, get elected president and then follow orders from him? See? Those are examples of characters fucking around.

But let’s focus on characters that DON’T fuck around. And first, we begin with The Authority.

Might Makes Right

Jenny Sparks, Jack Hawksmoor, Apollo, The Midnighter, The Doctor, The Engineer, and Swift. Most got their start working for Stormwatch, a United Nations sanctioned team, doing run of the mill super hero stuff over in the Wildstorm Universe. Saving the world from various super villains and other global catastrophes, all the while pulling in a paycheck and working for the man. Then, things got screwy and Jenny Sparks realized that the man was not only corrupt, but a megalomaniac with lots of blood on his hands. Instead of doing what other super heroes do and fighting the system from the inside, she went out started her own system.

Thus, The Authority was born.

“Good” Is Relative

The Authority couldn’t give a shit about what you or anyone else thinks of them, and is the kind of team that would be villainized in the main Marvel or DC universes. While they are heroes, they’re also hardcore killers. They don’t believe that every baddie can be reformed or that life is a gift that no one should take. In fact, the opposite is true. Their feelings on life is that if you abuse it, you lose it. Hell, they’ll probably use your best friend’s head to bludgeon you to death just for the irony.

Oh, and they once went back in time to kill a baby that would grow up to be a colossal douche.

Making A Statement

The team is also extremely political. These guys go around not only actively saving the world from insane, godlike threats, but they try to change it as well. They don’t respect any government, any borders or any politician, no matter how influential. In their first outing as a team, to stop an insane dictator who has holed up inside his country’s capitol city, The Midnighter (an analogue for Batman, and, you know, gay) actually flies their headquarters (a 50 mile long, one mile high space ship) through downtown and into his stronghold. Sure, hundreds, possibly thousands of civilians living under Kaizen Gomorra’s rule are killed in the process, but to The Authority, the ends almost always justify the means. The worst of the worst of bad guys is taken out, and the world is a safer place for it.

The Authority doesn’t tolerate corruption. Not only will they go into a country to topple a crooked government, but they’ll even liberate parallel Earths from oppressive rulers. And I’m not talking super villains only here. No, I’m also talking about sovereign governments with normal, very human leaders. If The Authority thinks you’re fucking around, buddy you better watch your ass. Like the time they got fed up with the United States and took over the entire country. Yeah. That happened.

I’m Not Your Kid’s Role Model

The members of The Authority don’t believe themselves to be role models either. They drink a lot, screw a lot, and even do the occasional illicit drug or two. They could give a shit what you think of them, and when people whined that Apollo and Midnighter’s gay marriage was a slap in the face to decency, they couldn’t have cared less. In fact, they went and adopted a baby. Take that conservative right!

Big Trouble

Since they are super heroes, though, let’s take a look at some of the super threats they’ve faced and stopped:

• Beat back the might of an entire parallel Earth
• Evacuated the entire population of the planet when Earth seemed to be attempting the shrug off humanity.
• Took on and beat a multiversal corporation that turned entire worlds into fossil fuel stores.
• Killed God.

And those are just a few examples.

Ebb and Flow

Warren Ellis wrote the consummate Authority stories, with Mark Millar coming in at a very close second. Ed Brubaker did some interesting things with the team, but the concept got watered down after a while. It kind of became a game of how can we top ourselves this time tempered by DC comics (owner of the Wildstorm Universe) getting nervous about the over the top violence and extreme left politics of the book.

But no matter what, The Authority proved beyond a shadow of a doubt, one thing:

THE AUTHORITY DON’T FUCK AROUND!

Here's Your Conscience, Bub

People sometimes forget that over the years Wolverine and Cyclops have developed a pretty cool relationship. Originally, Wolverine lived only to antagonize the consummate X-Man, but as time moved on, they've kind of grown to understand each other. Some writers forget this and try to revert their relationship back to 1979, but sometimes, we get beautiful moments like this one from the one shot X-Men: Endangered Species that just nail the Wolverine/Cyclops dynamic:


An awesome moment for a couple of reasons. One, only a guy like Cyclops could get a way with that kind of comment. Wolverine's the kind of guy that'd cut you neck to nuts for something like that with one quick snikt. But it's okay when Scotty does it. They've been through a lot together. Scott Summers has earned the right to make short jokes about Wolverine.

Second, it's good to see it acknowledged again that Wolverine is FREAKING SHORT! Seriously, the guy started out back in the day as being 5'3''. In recent years, thanks to Hugh Jackman, everyone kind of assumes him to be a tall dude. Hopefully this marks the return of Wolverine to his former status as official hard ass spokesman for short guys. God knows we need him back.

I mean, I haven't minded filling the role, but it kind of wears on a guy, ya know? Too many expectations.

Way To Go Stan!

Stan "The Man" Lee is getting his own sensationally stylish star on the highly heralded Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2008! That's right, true believers, the celebrated co-creator of such distinguished, delightful and colorful comic book characters of all time will be immortalized for all in cold concrete!

Good on Stan!

I Fought Hitler, What The Hell Have You Done?

The Justice Society of America never get tired of hearing the new kids on the block talk all big and bad about how cool they are and smart they are. Most of the time, the senior members of the JSA (who have been actively fighting evil since the 1930's) just kind of smile and let the newbies make whatever mistake they're bound to make. Then, like good mentors, come in and teach the whipper snappers a lesson.

Other times, it's decided to quit bullshitting around. And that's just what Jay Garrick, the original Flash does this week in Justice League of America #10 when one of those damned Legion of Superhero kids from the 31st century gets uppity...


DAMN! "Did you fight Hitler? No? Then why don't you take that piss poor attitude of yours right back to the 31st century little miss before I bend you over my knee and tan that bottom of yours!"

So What’s Cobra Commander Up To These Days?

Let’s see, as of G.I. Joe: America’s Elite #24, he has:

Infiltrated the White House? Check.

Used said position to recruit new Vipers from the U.S. armed forces? Check.

Installed Cobra operatives throughout Congress? Check.

Used the baby of Destro and The Baroness as leverage to take full and total control of M.A.R.S., all of Destro’s fortune, estate and holdings? Check.

Accessed the names of all members of G. I. Joe, both active and reserve, as well as the names and location of all their family members? Check.

Told G.I. Joe as much? Check.

Also informed G.I. Joe that snipers are in place to take their families’ out at any time should anyone give him guff? Check.

Gained full access to all G.I. Joe tactics, strategy and information on troop movements from all branches of the armed forces? Check.

Officially been acknowledged as the most powerful man in the world? Check.


In the words of The Foo Fighters: “There goes my hero, watch him as he goes.”

World War Hulk: Hells Yeah!

I love The Hulk.

It always sucked how he wanted to be left alone yet no one ever listened. Instead, they just kept chasing the big, green goofy bastard down and taunting him with tanks, Hulkbusters and whatever else could be thrown at him. Last year, Iron Man and some of his pals decided to shoot him off into space, thinking out of sight, out of mind. Not only did they never really count on him coming back but they sure as hell didn't count on him becoming the emperor of an entire alien civilization. Really, what are the chances of that? I mean, that kind of irony only happens in comic books! And as Marvel editor-in-chief Joe Quesada stresses all the time, the Marvel Universe is a realistic setting that reflects our own world. Only it has people with super powers. Wait, that's not realistic at all...

But he did come back, with an army no less, and The Hulk is ready to make folks pay. Best of all, he's pretty up front about his plans for the people of Earth. Check out his holographic telegram broadcast all over the world:

My God, he's not wearing underwear!

The only thing about World War Hulk #1 that's better than him articulating his old catch phrase very well is seeing The Hulk not only beat down Black Bolt on the moon, but seeing him beat that sanctimonious bastard Iron Man into the ground as the gathered heroes of the Marvel Universe look on in horror. And this is just moments after Tony gives this vomit inducing speech to the world about how even though he's so powerful, Iron Man always has the people's best interest at heart. Whatever dude. Hulk ain't listenin'.

Screw you, fascist!

See Civil War? This is how you do an event. Good stuff indeed and I can't wait for the next issue.

Countdown #46 Gets Nasty... And Me Likey!

I am loving DC's new weekly series Countdown. Not only is great super hero action, but it really feels like stuff is going down. But, Paul Dini is also hitting just the right notes for me.

Like this panel from this week's Countdown #46 featuring Mary Marvel fighting off a new demon in town:


Hell yeah that demon is made out of dead babies! In comics (and pretty much every other media) a lot of demons talk all kind of smack about being evil and depraved and blah, blah, blah. But this guy puts his money where his mouth is. There's no question how evil this son of a bitch is. Jesus Christ, he's wearing dead baby's and later uses them as weapons. That rocks!

He doesn't stop there, though. Oh, no. He even wants to prove to Mary Marvel that when it comes to nasty, no one out does Dead Baby Demon:


Translated: "I'm going to eat the shit right out of you." Nasty! But hey, that's what demons are supposed to be, right? Big, disgusting, offensive, nasty critters that do all sorts of socially unacceptable things. And what's more frowned upon by the righteous than eating doo doo while covered in dead baby's? Not much.

Some people may have problem with shit eating, dead baby clothed demons in their mainstream super hero books.

I say we need more.

Message Boards Kind Of Suck (At Least In My Opinion)

I have a love/hate relationship with message boards. Great ways to connect with other fans, always good to hear what the buzz is and easy way to kill time.

But every time I decide I want to participate in this grand old Internet tradition, people just screw it up for me. There are hundreds of different kinds of people that ruin the message board experience for everyone, and maybe I'll get to more of them some day, but I’ve narrowed down the top three types that really piss me off the most. So let’s just jump right in!

Type I - The Know-It-All

This guy isn’t that much different that the real world know-it-all. He’s quick to correct you on the most trivial topics; he always disagrees with you and takes great pride in sounding like a snob when dissecting your argument. He's the guy who wants everyone to think he's the smartest person in the room. Only, the message board know-it-all has a dark secret that he doesn't want anyone to know. Unlike his real world counterpart, the message board know-it-all can actually take time to research ways to try and make you feel stupid, and he really isn't as smart as he things he is.

See, in a real debate, people have to think fast and rely exclusively on what they can remember. Message board know-it-alls can fake having an encyclopedic knowledge of The Avengers by a quick search on Wikipedia. But nine times out of ten, they’re not going to be upfront about their knowledge. In fact, they’ll posture that this is some nugget they always carry with them, and fuck you for not being hip enough to know it yourself.

Message board know-it-alls want to make you feel like an idiot and many are moderately good at it.

Type II - The Proportion Blower

No, I don’t mean folks who say things like “Transformers is going to be the worst movie in the history of movies!!!” After all, where would we, as geeks be without that kind of fanaticism?

No I’m speaking of people that try to apply their own hollow existences to you.

Example: A few months ago, I posted on a message board that I thought it was sick how Wizard Magazine was given advance notice by Marvel that Captain America was going to die, so the company bought hundreds of said issue and were ready to sell “graded” copies of them for close to $1,000 on eBay. I felt like it was predatory and that the company was representative of everything negative in fandom.

I was subsequently told by the next poster that I was sick as real world issues didn’t bother me, but inflated comic prices did.

Huh? I checked again to make sure I had posted on a comic book-centric forum. I guess I could have posted on some political blog or Rush Limbaugh’s fan forum, but it was unlikely. Still though, I checked, and, yep, it was a message board dedicated to discussing comic books. I also checked to make sure I was up on world events. Sure enough, I had just talked politics with Jake a few hours earlier. Confident in my current events, I politely replied that while I’m not losing sleep over people inflating comic prices nor am I putting the importance of comic books over grave happenings around the world, I did want a respite from the “real world” long enough to talk comics with other comic fans. He replied back, even more snide this time, that I obviously had a problem or was having a bad day, said that he would "enlighten me" and as such suggested that I take a look at my life and ask myself what was important; comic books or real issues.

I then politely replied that he should take a look at his life, and worry about his mother developing AIDS and other serious STD’s as only an unrepentant whore could have spawned such as worthless, hate filled troll. A flame war ensued and I was given a strict warning by the moderator. I haven’t posted since.

My point? Simple. Here was a guy who, to this day, has racked up thousands of posts on a comic message board. To give perspective, I have only posted around 70 in the few months I’ve been a member. He joined a few months before me and is sitting at damn near 3,000. That’s a lot of time spent posting snide remarks. So you tell me who needs to get away from the computer and comic books for a reality check?

God, I’m pissed all over again about the whole affair…

Type III- Overlords

Here we go with the big Geek card: I found a Dragon Ball Z message board awhile back but I sure as hell ain’t gonna post on it. Most of the reasons revolve around it being filled with guys that make me look like King of the Cool Kids. My fellow nerds rarely bother me, but there is an uber-embarrassing nerd population out there that could sure be thinned.

But the main reason is that the guy who runs it, while he may be a great guy in real life (I actually me him in person once and he was a class act), is a total prick online. First, you gotta see the forum rules here. He’s not kidding when he says he’ll boot you for the most minor infraction. There are tons of locked threads and snide, public reprimands for venturing "off-topic" or for even taking a stance he doesn't agree with. Add all this up with a few other issues with the forum and you’ve got a not fun environment.

Not to pick on this fella, I will say that there are a lot of mods out there like him. God emperors of their domains. That’s fine I guess, as they're the ones footing the bill for bandwidth, but I can’t stomach controlling assholes in my real life, so why would I, or anyone for that matter, tolerate virtual ones?

The only thing worse on any message board than the tyrants are the hopeful lackey's, the guys who for some reason are trying to vie for the mods affection and approval by threatening to report you. Those guys just need an ass whipping.

So there you have it. Three big reasons why yours truly is rarely seen on any message board. Maybe there is a Shangri-La of message boards out there, where debate is lively but never rude, comments never taken out of context and overt dicks banned for life. Maybe one of you knows of one. Until I find out about it though, I’m sticking to The Nerduary.

Newsflash!

Yeah, I know. I wrote about how The Nerduary is all about hangin' out in the living room, discussing the geeky side of life. How we don't use it as a "here's what we're doing" site.

But dammit, Joe and AP got married!


I think I can speak for all of us who know Joe when I say these two things:

1) About damned time.

2) Rarely have I seen two people as perfect for each other as Joe and Anna. From the day they first met, (Feb. 5, 2005, as Joe reminded me), we all knew it was going to happen eventually.

3) Yeah, with you two living in Vegas, like we all really thought you'd come back to Georgia for the wedding...

Three, THREE things.

Congratulations, y'all.

Dragonball Z Season 2

Chris posted about the release of the remastered Dragonball Z Season 1. Well Season 2 has been released now.

This is another bargain for all DBZ fans out there. This is another six disc set containing thirty or so episodes of DBZ, which have all been remastered, and look and sound great by the way. Check out the picture below to see exactly what you get.



I am really happy with this set except for one thing. That one thing being that it ends after the conclusion of Goku's battle with Captain Ginyu. Being that I haven't watched this show in about 6 years there is a lot I don't remember, so I didn't remember how much time gets wasted in certain episodes. Not to mention with all the Freeza pictures included I thought this set would get through the battle with Freeza. Well I guess I'll have to wait until Season 3 comes out, but at $30 per season (81 cents per episode) it is a steal, not to mention the bonus features available.

Heroes For Hire #13 And... Tentacle Rape!?

A lot of fandom is in an uproar over the cover to Heroes For Hire #13 from Marvel Comics. Folks are in an uproar over it, as they say it alludes to tentacle rape, a subgenre of hentai, animated Japanese porn. After the whole affair with the Mary Jane statuette, I figured this was just people looking for another furor to join in on. Still, I went and tracked down the image in question:


Marvel editor-in-chief Joe Quesada has come to the defense of the comic, saying that it was never the company’s intention to allude to empowered female characters being raped by monsters, and suggests that anyone who sees tentacle rape in the cover is obviously reading too much into it. But it’s hard not to come to that conclusion after seeing the image.

The women are bound, as are the women in most hentai tentacle rape flicks, they’re being groped by, yes, tentacles and their costumes have been removed to the point where their breasts are about to fall out. The heroines, instead of looking heroic in the face of adversity, clearly have resolved themselves to their horrible fates just by the look on their faces. No defiance to be found here.

Quesada said that Marvel just wanted to do a cool cover to showcase the menace of old-school baddies, The Brood. But how do The Brood operate? That’s right, using their tentacle-like tails, they forcibly impregnate their victims with Brood embryos.

Or, they tentacle rape them.

Now The Brood have been Marvel villains for a while, and though they have impregnated heroes before, it was never really sexually sensationalized. It was more like the face huggers from the Alien movies. In the strictest sense, yes, the aliens were raping humans in the movies, but it was never played like that.

Marvel also hired a Japanese manga artist to illustrate this cover, which furthers the idea that Marvel knew what it was doing when this cover was drafted. In Japan, everyone knows of the existence of tentacle rape porn, even if they don’t get into it (and really, who could?). It’s hard to explain that the images evoked were unintentional when the artist is someone immersed in the culture the images are from.

But let’s pretend that it wasn’t done to be an intentional riff of tentacle rape porn. Let’s just look at the cover for what it is. One, tentacles are phallic symbols and when they’re lashing around pretty, half naked ladies, it’s hard not to think they’re being used symbolically. Two, just what are people supposed to think when the tentacles in the image are dripping with a gooey, white liquid, covering the naughty bits of these strong, empowered women? Hell, check out Black Cat’s boobs:


Ladies and gentlemen, in the industry, that's called a "money shot."

Like the Mary Jane statuette, this cover is selling a sexual fantasy, and women are being made into submissive, sexual objects for the gratification of a primarily male audience. Fair enough, but unlike the Mary Jane statuette which is really just a cock-tease, the cover for Heroes For Hire #13 is overtly sexually degrading and draws its inspiration from a subgenre of porn that features the repeated and violent rape of women by monsters. It takes a lot to offend me, and I’m not saying this cover does, but one would think that Marvel, a company enjoying a degree of mainstream success unheard of since Stan Lee became a popculture sensation back in the 1960’s, would avoid drawing any parallels to rape fantasies, porn or the extreme degradation of women. People who don’t even read comics got upset when word broke that Captain America died. What will they do if the next character to get the tentacle treatment isn’t an also-ran like Black Cat or Misty Knight, but rather Susan Storm or some other character that the mainstream is familiar with? Maybe now isn’t the best time to make inside jokes to a small group of knowing fanboys when more people are looking in than they think, people who don’t think there’s anything funny or sexy about tentacle rape or porn in general.

Battlestar Galactica To End... Really

Battlestar Galactica will indeed end next year. This article comes from Variety.com:

Low-rated but critically worshipped Sci Fi Channel drama "Battlestar Galactica" will sign off next year after its fourth season, producers said Thursday.

Move isn't a stunner. Rumors about the show's fate have been swirling for months, and the skein had to fight to get renewed for a fourth season.

Despite some of the best reviews for any show on TV -- and a fiercely loyal fan base -- "Battlestar" is a very expensive show to produce, especially for a cable net. Sci Fi has tried to turn that buzz into bigger ratings, but the show never seemed to break out beyond a core niche.

Sci Fi stuck by the skein, however, because of its status as a signature program for the net.

Exec producers Ronald D. Moore and David Eick issued a joint statement saying it was their decision to end the series.

"This show was always meant to have a beginning, a middle and, finally, an end," producers said. "Over the course of the last year, the story and the characters have been moving strongly toward that end, and we've decided to listen to those internal voices and conclude the show on our own terms."

Producers promised to end the show "with a bang."

Sci Fi exec VP of original programming Mark Stern said the cabler respected Eick and Moore's call.

"We have always known that Ron and David had a plan for 'Galactica,'" he said.

"Battlestar" will begin its fourth season with a two-hour episode in November. It will then return in early 2008 to finish out its 22-episode run.

Cabler hasn't yet said if it plans to move forward with a proposed "Battlestar" prequel series.

For his part, Eick remains busy. He's exec producing NBC's buzzworthy "Bionic Woman" remake and has a slew of other projects in development.

Truly sad news as anyone who has ever seen this show knows just how great it is. And if you haven't, think Firefly only more political and gritty. This the kind of science fiction that holds a mirror up to our society and shows us the warts and all. But, maybe this isn't all bad. We'll have had four good seasons and the show will now be forced to have an ending, instead of just meandering along, riding on past glories. Season 4 should be a good one.

What I Wish Journalism Was Like

An exchange between Daily Planet editor-in-chief Perry White and reporter/photographer Jimmy Olsen from DC's Countdown #48:


This is why I want to be a reporter in the DC universe. The only leads my editors ever told me to follow led to county commissioners, city clerks and shrimp boat captains crazier than shithouse rats who wanted to hurt me (long story, but funny). And The Daily Planet, though fictional, is a legit and highly respected news outlet, not some rag of a tabloid.

To this day, I dream of being told by an editor to follow up on the alien lead and not have him refering to a Mexican.