What's wrong with this picture?

As seen on the front page of Myspace.com today:

They're not even trying any more. Good to hear that Megatron's pulling a swerve and going face on us, though.

Random Monday image

The Answer to this weeks Showdown.

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Nerduary Showdown #40: Battle of the 80s action stars

Last week's showdown saw the classic Star Trek crew led by Captain Kirk slip by with a victory over the Next Generation folks led by Captain Picard. Some saw it as a close battle while others seemed to think Kirk would have dominated.

On to number #40.

When I was a kid, we used to argue about the toughest action star. You know, the guy that could take all the rest. Narrowing it down to just the fictional action heroes of the 80s, who would take the coveted Nerduary Showdown belt?

We never agreed on an answer. Thanks to The Nerduary, we can settle this issue in the only way we know how-by bickering via posting.

Here are the contenders:

1. Awnald (Arnold Schwarzenegger)


















2. Sylvester Stallone
















3. Bruce Willis
















4. Chuck Norris

I know there are more, but these are the ones I remember fighting over the most. Feel free to write in your own vote. The battle ends next Thursday morning.

New bad ass Harry Potter poster

Everyone that knows me should be pretty certain how I feel about these movies. I've never really been a fan. To be fair, I have not read the books.

But even this stubborn nerd has to admit this new poster looks pretty cool. Check it out.

Hanks, Howard coming back for DaVinci

I didn't really like the DaVinci Code. Wasn't really that impressed. I'll admit my expectations were really high, but there were parts of this movie that seemed really cheeseball to me, kind of like a TV movie on steroids.

Anyway, like every potential franchise now days, it seems there is a prequel on the way.

***
LOS ANGELES, California (Hollywood Reporter) -- Tom Hanks and director Ron Howard are in final negotiations to reunite for a prequel to the worldwide smash "The Da Vinci Code," sources said.
Sony Pictures has set an early January start date for "Angels & Demons," and has hired A-list casting directors to fill out the thriller's supporting roles, the sources said.
The studio declined to comment on the highly anticipated project.
Sources also said Sony is waiting for Akiva Goldsman to finish his adaptation of Dan Brown's best-seller, in which Hanks' character, Harvard professor Robert Langdon, becomes embroiled in murders involving the Illuminati and the Vatican.
"The Da Vinci Code" grossed $758 million worldwide, despite a critical pasting.
***

Rumor no more: Indy has a new sidekick

When all knew this was coming, but here is the new story that proves it.

***
LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- After months of building Internet buzz, this can finally be reported as fact: Shia LaBeouf has been cast in the upcoming "Indiana Jones" movie.
Producer George Lucas and director Steven Spielberg announced Friday that LaBeouf will appear alongside Harrison Ford in the fourth installment of the adventure franchise, scheduled for release May 22, 2008. Production is set to begin in June.
"We are excited about bringing Shia into our Indy family," Spielberg said in a statement on the "Indiana Jones" Web site. "His talent has impressed not only his audiences throughout his young career but the directors, producers and fellow actors who have worked with him in his television career and now his film career."
Paramount, a division of Viacom Inc., declined Friday to say what role LaBeouf would be playing.
The 20-year-old actor told The Associated Press in March that the persistent Internet rumors about his casting in the film were just that -- rumors.
"The way that thing started, it's just wild how it snowballed," LaBeouf told the AP then. "I don't have a deal on the table, it's just a rumor. Would I do it? In a second. It'd be working for a legend and working with legends. Who wouldn't? But is it something I'm doing right now? No. I'm an out-of-work actor."
It's a busy weekend for the up-and-coming actor. He stars in "Disturbia," a high-tech, teen version of "Rear Window," which opened Friday; then he's hosting NBC's "Saturday Night Live" on Saturday.
LaBeouf also co-stars in this summer's "Transformers" movie for Spielberg's DreamWorks Pictures, and provides the voice of one of the penguins in the animated "Surf's Up." His previous films include "A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints," "The Greatest Game Ever Played" and "Holes." He also won a Daytime Emmy in 2003 for the Disney Channel series "Even Stevens."
***

I'll just say it now: He's no Short-round. But we don't really know what part he's playing. My money's on Indy's son or something like that. Or he could possibly play a River Phoenix type part from Last Crusade, but I doubt it. The only concrete thing is that he's in it, and the movie will probably be coming out next year. Wild.

Spidey news: Of musicals and number four

Spiderman is all over the news right now. There's a good reason for that. With Spiderman Three a little over a week away, expectation is going to get pretty high.

So the third movie's out and people are already talking about what's next. First off, here's a news story on a broadway musical of Spiderman that will apparently included music by U2:

***
LOS ANGELES, California (Hollywood Reporter) -- Get ready for "Spider-Man: The Broadway Musical."
That may not be the official title, but Marvel Studios is putting the pieces together for a musical on the Great White Way starring the popular superhero.
Julie Taymor, who won Tonys for direction and costume design for the Broadway production of "The Lion King," will direct, with U2's Bono and the Edge creating new music and lyrics for the project.
Auditions are taking place, and a reading is scheduled for the summer. No dates for a Broadway opening have been set.
While the Spider-Man musical marks the first time a Marvel character has been the subject of a Broadway show, it's not the first time a superhero has hit the stage. Superman was in the spotlight of "It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman," which opened at the Alvin Theatre in 1966. Despite fairly positive reviews, it closed a few months later.
Spider-Man will next be seen on the big screen, when the third installment of the blockbuster franchise opens across North America on May 4.
***

And then there's Spiderman Four, which isn't even really in the planning stages. Tobey Maguire (Peter Parker if you didn't know) said he might not do another, but he said that the last two movies if I remember correctly. Remember his hurt back during Spiderman two? People saying he wouldn't return for a third? Yeah.

Now with Director Sam Raimi pondering a visit to Middle Earth, Kirsten Dunst comes out and says potential mega-hit Spidey Four would be a mega-flop. Here's the story:

***
LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- Although a "Spider-Man 4" movie is not yet on Hollywood's drawing board, Kirsten Dunst says a sequel without her, co-star Tobey Maguire and director Sam Raimi would be a box office flop.
Entertainment Weekly magazine Monday cited Raimi as confirming a long-held Hollywood rumor that he might take the directing reins on a movie version of J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Hobbit" if Peter Jackson is not eventually hired.
Separately Dunst told Entertainment Weekly that if that happens, a "Spider-Man 4" without Raimi, her and Maguire -- who plays the comic book superhero -- would be "disrespectful to the whole team."
"Audiences aren't stupid. It'd be a big flop without me, Tobey or Sam," Dunst said in a story posted on the celebrity magazine's Web site, ew.com.
The interviews come as "Spider-Man 3," which is distributed by Columbia Pictures, began a series of premieres starting in Tokyo Monday and continuing around the world until the film's global debut in theaters May 4. (Watch the stars come out at the "Spidey" premiere )
Entertainment Weekly asked Raimi if he might direct "The Hobbit" instead of Jackson, who won Oscars and scored huge box office hits with the trilogy of movies based on Tolkien's "The Lord of the Rings" fantasy novels.
"I don't know what's going to happen next for me right now," Raimi said. "First and foremost, those are Peter Jackson and Bob Shaye's films. If Peter didn't want to do it, and Bob wanted me to do it -- and they were both OK with me picking up the reins -- that would be great."
Shaye is co-chief executive of New Line Cinema, the studio that distributed the "Lord of the Rings" movies and owns rights to make a film based on the fantasy book "The Hobbit."
Late in 2006, Jackson said New Line might make "The Hobbit" without him. He and his producing partners have refused to work on a "Hobbit" movie until the parties settle a lawsuit over 2001's "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring."
Entertainment Weekly said if Raimi took "The Hobbit," then a possible "Spider-Man 4" could be left without a director. The speculation prompted Dunst's comments.
The actress, who portrays Spider-Man's love interest in the movies, said she did not think Columbia would pursue "Spider-Man 4" without Raimi.
"That would really not be the smartest move. But they already know that. Amy Pascal would never do that," Dunst said, referring to Sony Pictures Entertainment's chairman.
Columbia Pictures is a division of Sony Pictures Entertainment, which is the film and television studio owned by Japanese electronics giant Sony Corp. New Line is part of Time Warner Inc. (Time Warner is also the parent company of CNN.)
***

What do you guys think? Spiderman Four no matter what? Or should Raimi take a shot at Middle Earth?

Personally, I think a Spiderman trilogy is fine. There's always the danger of milking too much from franchise. Where do you guys stand?

Random Monday image

I thought I'd start posting something new on the Nerduary this Monday.

As we all know, Monday mornings really suck donkey nuts. It's always nice to have a little smile (or even a big laugh) to start the day. From here on out, Monday mornings for me will be dedicated to finding some random image, hopefully nerd related, to make all The Nerduary visitors smile. Maybe it'll work ... or maybe I'll be the only one laughing.

Without further delay, here is the first image brought to you by several of The Nerduary posting members' mentor, Mr. Bill.

Lies Geeks Have Told Me

Let’s face it, when it comes to talking shit, geeks do it best. Most of the time, this shit-talk is used to totally invalidate the likes and dislikes of other geeks and non-geeks. We take great pride in proving to others how the things we’re interested in are so much better and cooler (if you can even say that) than what they’re into. It’s just what geeks do.

But sometimes, this shit-talk turns into out-and-out lying. Seriously, it’s almost predatory how some geeks will mislead others. Whether it’s to get money out of someone or to validate their own shameful love of some property, geeks are excellent at hiding the truth.

Here are some lies geeks have told me:

1. The Great Comic Book Lie

When I was first getting into comics way back when, and I mean really getting into them, I went into fits trying to figure out which books my meager allowance should go to. Of course books like X-Men made the grade, but what else should young Chris buy?

Well, about that time, speculating on comic books became hot. For those not in the know (and God bless you for it), in the early and mid 90’s a bunch of folks decided that comics weren’t just for readin’, they were for getting rich quick. So they began to speculate on which comics would be the next “big money maker.” Publishers did not help, instead they fed these assholes by putting out multiple covers, chromium covers and new number one issues whenever they could. The frenzy went into full throttle. Here's an an Avenger's comic from around 1994 that was one of these special chromium covers:

You can tell it's expensive because it's made of metal... I guess.

Anyway, this is when I got lied to. I was at a comic shop one day when I was going to buy an issue of Fantastic Four or something like that when the shop owner shook his head and handed me a card. This card was a primer for how to speculate. Until that point I had never thought of buying comics for investment purposes, I just wanted to see the Avengers kick Ultron’s ass. But this card made me feel like an asshole for being so naïve.

Here’s the piece of advice from that card that sticks with me to this day: “If you have to decide between buying an older comic or a new number one or chromium covered variant edition, ALWAYS go for the new. Remember, the older comic’s value has probably gone up as high as it ever will. That new one could be worth hundreds if not thousands in just a few years or less.”

Well fuck me, I thought. So, because this wise old card had told me to, I spent a couple of months buying all the new crap I could. Why do I say crap? Let’s just say at one comic convention Lou Ferrigno (yes, the Hulk himself) was trying to cash in on the comic craze and conned me into buying about 12 number one issues of his “hot new” line of comics. For years after I held a silent hatred for Ferrigno.

But I should have been thankful to him, and today I am. Because of those 12 crap comics, I snapped out of my two month haze and went back to buying comics I enjoyed reading. Sure I was still mad at the comic companies for feeding this mentality, but I was vindicated about three years later.

How? The speculator market dried up and pretty much everyone went out of business over night. Even Marvel went into bankruptcy. I like to think my ire contributed to that at least a little bit.

2. Kull The Conqueror Is Going to Kick More Ass Than Conan!

Remember when Kevin Sorbo was all the rage for playing Hercules on that crappy syndicated TV show? You remember, the show that spawned Xena: Warrior Princess and made everyone forget Hercules? Before Hercules lost out to the Sapphic-erotic Xena, Sorbo was going places. In 1997 though, he decided to get out and show people that he wasn’t just some guy who could play an ancient Greek warrior. He wanted to show people that he had range, and he proved it in Kull The Conqueror by playing an ancient Atlantean warrior.

Some nerd at the local comic shop was all about this movie. Every time I went in to buy my comics, that’s all he could talk about. “Four weeks till Kull man!” He claimed to have seen an advanced screening and proclaimed it even better than Conan The Barbarian.

Shit, I said to myself. Conan was pretty sweet, but if Kull is better, bring it on!

Anyone who knows their crap movie history or has seen what USA Network plays at night can figure how this turned out. The comic guy was a damned liar. I tried to tell him as much, but that poor bastard held onto the illusion that Kull was indeed better than Conan. Not only was he lying to me, but he was lying to himself, which is somehow even sadder.

3. “I’m a Vietnam veteran, And I Will Break You!”

This isn’t so much a lie that was told to me, but one my dad told to another geek, and man was it funny. See, every year, we go to Atlanta’s sci-fi/comic convention, Dragon Con, and every year, my dad somehow manages to get into a verbal confrontation with the convention’s staff but it never really amounts to anything beyond my dad telling some zit-faced nerd to fuck himself. However, about two years, things escalated.

First, about my dad, or “Claybo” as he’s known to most people. He’s six feet tall and built like Jayne from Firefly. A former Marine, he loves sports and other manly things, but at heart, he's a geek, just like me. A real man's man, I look at him in awe and wonder how the hell I got shorted on the badass genes. Seriously, the guy is a powerhouse and he knows it.

Claybo at rest with his trusty camera.

Anyway, two years ago, Claybo and the rest of us were stoked because James Marsters was set to be in attendance at Dragon Con. We’re a family of Buffy fanatics, and all of us are Spike fans. Claybo wasn’t about to miss out on hanging with Big Bad himself. So we get there and security isn’t so much tight as it is weird. See, with most guests, you can take all the pictures you want, but the convention must have cut some kind of deal with Marsters as you could only get an official picture taken with him or of him and these official pictures cost no less than $50.

Claybo cares not for the laws of man, though. Camera in hand, he starts snapping away as soon as he comes into view of Marsters (who is really tiny in person). And he’s not being inconspicuous about it either. Nope, he’s just standing there, in front of everyone and in direct violation of convention rules, getting all the pictures he can. A roided-out body guard for James Marsters quickly notices and moves to tell Claybo that picture time is over.

“Put the camera down!” He yelled at my dad. “Or I will take it away.”

“Fuck you,” Claybo said, still taking pictures, not even looking at the professional hard-ass.

“What did you say to me?”

“Fuck. You.” He still wasn’t looking at the guy.

Well, this pissed off the guard, and rightly so. However, he then made a mistake; he got in Claybo’s face.

“Put it away now or you’ll be removed from the premises. I have been a body guard for dignitaries all over the world.”

Not only does Claybo not like being told what to do, but he also has a sick sense of humor. Get him mad enough, and he’ll combine righteous anger with, well, things that are blatantly untrue. Funny, yes, but still not true.

“I’m going to tell you this one time and only one time,” Claybo said in a voice loud enough to drown out the noise in the immediate area and with a lot of crazy added for effect. “You’re going to get out of my face right goddamn now. Boy, I'm an ex-Marine and I have fucked Vietnamese women badder than you think you are.”

The guy almost urinated himself, and rightfully so, though for his part tried to keep his cool. After all, I've yet to meet a man or beast my dad couldn't break. But Claybo wasn't being entirely truthful. Yes, Claybo was a Marine back in the 70’s, but he missed Vietnam by about a year. Not for lack of trying though. He joined the Marines in hopes that he could be the guy who sat on the edge of the helicopters shooting Charlie from above. Sadly, the war ended too soon.

Claybo took a few more pictures, daring this guy to mess with him (and he almost did, though my brother, who did get the big-guy genes from dad, then stepped between them). Claybo was proud and I was proud of him. He had combined physical intimidation with bullshitting skills that would make any smart ass proud. He was beaming. He finished taking the pictures he wanted, happy that he had photographed William the Bloody himself and put the camera away. It was time to move along, but before he left, he made eye contact with the guy one last time and did his best hundred yard stare. The jerk shivered and moved away.

Claybo walked away, laughing manically at his handy work. Not only had be bucked the system, but he had put the fear of God into some professional dignitary guardian or some-such. It was good to be Claybo that day. Ironically enough, he also shelled out the $50 later for an official picture of himself with James Marsters.

Man I love my dad.

The man who made me what I am today.

Next Bourne trailer released

Jason Bourne returns to the screen this August in Bourne Ultimatum. I really enjoyed the first two and thought they were a nice version of a different James Bond-type movie. I have heard this one is the final one, but also that they might make more. I guess it always depends on the box office returns.

The same director, Paul Greengrass, is returning for this one after taking over the reigns in the second movie. Greengrass directed last year's United 93.

Check out the trailer.



Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Nerduary Showdown #39: Classic versus Next Generation

The Siberian Express, Ivan Drago, won the Showdown #38: Rumble in the Ring. It seemed the boxer nicknamed "Death from Above" is the toughest of Rocky Balboa's opponents.

Today, we have the age old battle of old versus new, classic versus modern ... sort of.

Imagine the two crews of the two Enterprises from the original Star Trek and Star Trek: The Next Generation were placed on a level playing field. Same technology, no mechanical advantages. Base this vote on simple cunning, strategic planning, and bravery. Which crew would come out on top in a firefight?

1. Classic Star Trek: Captain James T. Kirk commanding












2. Star Trek: The Next Generation: Captain Jean-Luc Picard commanding


Voting ends next Thursday morning.

History lesson

For anyone struggling to understand the origins of World War II, this is a perfect brief history lesson that's worth sharing.

If I'm ever a teacher, I think I might have to show this one in class. It's funny, but also pretty acurate.

Enjoy.

The Round-Up

Lot’s of things going on all over nerdom today, so what say we take a look at a couple little tid-bits and discuss? Pens and pencils at ready. There will be a quiz. Okay, not really.

You Wouldn’t Like Edward Norton When He’s Angry!

It seems like Marvel is going ahead with trying to reboot the Hulk franchise, and Ed Norton will be riding shotgun. Norton has been cast as Bruce Banner, and word is the new movie will go back to the Hulk’s roots (whatever that means).

And why wouldn’t they want to start over? The last movie made money, sure, but people didn’t like it. So let’s get the guy who wrote Elektra! What? Zak Penn helped write X2: X-Men United as well? Wow. Looks like this new Hulk flick is going to be a crap shoot. Louis Leterrier will direct, he of The Transporter films. Again, crap shoot people.

Clash of the Titans… Kasdan Style!

For years, they’ve been talking about making a remake of the classic (for our generation at least) Clash of the Titans. And every time it’s brought up I cringe. Now, I’m cringing a little bit less. Lawrence Kasdan has been tapped to write a draft of the Perseus epic, and we know the guy can do fantasy. While he doesn’t always hit home runs, this is still the guy that showed George Lucas how to make a Star Wars movie.

Speaking of George Lucas….

No Sallah In Indiana Jones 4?!

Well this sucks. I’m not lying when I say Sallah is hands down my favorite peripheral Indy character, just edging out Marcus Brody (is that guy dead or alive by the way? You know he got lost in his museum once, right?) and now it seems we won’t be seeing him again. Ever.

With the casting of Shia Lebouf, Lucas and Spielberg have made it pretty clear that youth is king in this new production and if it means removing some classic elements, so be it.

All I’m going to say is if you want to see what happens when you leave out Sallah, go back and watch Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Seriously, why do you think Last Crusade looked a lot like Raiders? Besides, Sallah’s fez compliment’s Indy’s Stetson.

Reflections On Kurt Vonnegut

Kurt Vonnegut died this week at 84. So it goes.

I’m not going to attempt any kind of in depth summary of the man’s life or the meanings his novels and short stories had on the American culture in the 20th century. You can find many, many articles all over news outlets doing a much better job of that than I could. All I really want to do is comment briefly on what this outstanding writer meant to me, just as a regular fan.

I got into Kurt Vonnegut late. I moved to a new city a few months back and ever since have hit on a string of bad luck. Nothing too terrible mind you, just the kind of stuff that, when you add it all together, has a snowball affect. Hard times equal down and out Chris.
However, I did make a new friend, a helluva guy named Michael Conklin. Conklin is an avid reader, and I spend a lot of time just talking literature with him. We share many of the same authors, but when it came to light that I had never read Kurt Vonnegut, Conklin was aghast. Trusting his judgment, I stopped on the way home and picked up Slaughterhouse-Five since that was the one I had heard the most about. From the very first sentence, I was hooked. Thankfully, I was saved from spending a small fortune on more of Vonnegut’s books, since Conklin has most of them in his personal library. Since then, I’ve been reading a new Vonnegut novel as soon as I finish the last.

For me, Kurt Vonnegut’s work came into my life at just the right time. His novels almost always feature a protagonist being worn down by society and, despite it all, just trying to live. In one way or another, life has come at these characters playing dirty, knocking them down at every turn, with one terrible event after another. The characters endure enough to make most people want to give up. Yet the characters keep going. Not because of some altruistic sense of heroism or nobility, but because the alternative is to lie down and die. Through it all, these hardships are met with black humor. Slaughterhouse-Five’s Billy Pilgrim, a man who survived the Allied fire bombing of Dresden only to make it back home alive to live a life beyond quiet desperation, keeps looking to the future and realizes just how futile taking a grim attitude about it is. Through a series of bad circumstances, Dead-Eye Dick’s Rudy Waltz accidentally becomes a double murderer at the age of 11 and lives the life of a social outcast and possible repressed homosexual, yet by novel’s end, has found peace by realizing that life is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. His life is filled with pain and sorrow, everyone from his hometown killed by a neutron bomb, and yet he finds it all strangely amusing when he looks back at it.

Of course, there’s more to Kurt Vonnegut’s works than all of this. Entire courses at universities are dedicated to picking his writing a part to look for hidden themes. But for me, Kurt Vonnegut is for people looking for something, anything. It’s for anyone who has ever looked around and wondered: “What else is there? Is this really it? Why me?”

His books are also fun. Unlike many “literary” books, he didn’t bog his books down with heavy prose filled with symbolism and obviously carefully crafted passages. They read like someone is telling you something true, something that really happened. He was also a nerd, just like us. Many of his stories (including Slaughterhouse-Five) included time-travel, aliens, ghosts and various apocalypses. But true to style, none of it seemed so fantastic that it didn’t seem plausible.

If you’ve never read Vonnegut’s work, do yourself a favor and pick one of his novels up today. Then, you’ll really see what treasure we lost a few days ago.

Oh, what tangled webs Jake weaves when Achilles and Leonidas give each other a squeeze

See Nerduary contributor Jake's comments here for more homo-erotic goodness!

Super Mario madness!

Some people just went to cooler music schools than I did... Speakin' of which, if you're in Statesboro on Tuesday, stop on by Dos Primos at 7:30 p.m. for the first-ever senior recital held in a bar for a GSU music major. Drinks shall be served. Stay for trivia (hosted by me) at 10:30.

Nerduary Showdown #38: Rumble in the Ring

After much debate (and some weird happenings), it seems Leonidas managed to defeat Achilles in mortal combat during Nerduary Showdown #37. Now, on to #38.

This week we have the best opponents to have faced Rocky Balboa squaring off. Here are the main contenders:

1. Apollo Creed (opponent in Rocky I and II)

2. Clubber Lang (opponent in Rocky III)

3. Ivan Drago (opponent in Rocky IV)

4. Thunderlips (opponent in Rocky III)

5. Mason "The Line" Dixon (opponent in Rocky Balboa or VI)

6. Tommy Gunn (opponent in Rocky V)


Which one of these boxers/fighters is the best in the ring? You decide. Voting ends next Thursday.

March of the Penguins

This was just too funny not to share.

Enjoy.

A double dose of gooey filled CGI

TMNT

The turtles are back in CGI glory.



The latest installment of the ninja turtles delivers some nice action and wonderful character development, but fails to deliver much in the way of plot.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the movie, but the ending was upstaged by the drama of the turtle’s lives. Let me explain. The plot of the movie is a little convoluted, but it boils down to “3000 year-old king attempts to reopen a portal to another dimension full of monsters and the Ninja Turtles try to stop him.” Now the story of the movie, well, it has nothing to do with this plot.

The movie begins at least two years after the last Ninja Turtles movie with a brief introduction of who they are by narrator Laurence Fishburne. Next we are treated to what feels very much like a video game intro where we learn about a warrior king who nearly conquers the world, becomes immortal and releases 13 beasts from another dimension. Whew! Now the movie can begin.

Leonardo has been gone for two years. He was supposed to be spending a year of solo training to become a better leader; instead he has fallen into the roll of “ghost” in a Central American jungle where he protects the villagers from bandits. April finds him and fills him in on how the family is growing apart without him. Donatello has gotten a job as an I.T. guy, Michelangelo has gotten a job as a children’s birthday party entertainer (complete with a large foam turtle head so everyone thinks he is wearing a turtle costume), and Raphael, unbeknownst to anyone else and against Splinters wishes, has become a vigilante.

The movie really picks up steam when Leonardo returns home. Everyone is happy to see him except Raphael. The monsters and the immortal king, voiced by Patrick Stewart, continue their activities, but only as a subplot. The main story focuses on the turtles trying to come together as a family and a team after Leonardo’s extended absence. The tension between Leonardo and Raphael carries the movie till they finally have it out in one of the coolest and most dramatic battles in any Ninja Turtle movie. This battle alone is worth the price of admission. The battle is so well done that it completely upstages the finale. In fact, my only main gripe is the finale. Everyone suits up to go to battle to save the city including Splinter, Casey Jones, and April. The good guys only have to face the five stone generals, the Foot Clan army (led by the female ninja Karai) and the immortal warrior king to save the city. The finale just happens and the movie is over. There are a few twist and turns, but over all, the wrap up is too easy. With Karai (voiced by Ziyi Zhang) leading the foot clan and April (voiced by Sarah Michelle Gellar) possessing ninja skills, I was looking forward to seeing some good girl on girl action (um, ninja action), but alas, it is was not to be.

The CGI turtles look awesome. The CGI humans take a little getting used to, but that’s okay, it’s not about them.

So, we’ve got some good action, some good alternative music (don’t worry, no Vanilla Ice), some great character development and an okay story. Writer/director Kevin Munroe does a good job of balancing the serious tone with a touch of silliness. Overall, it’s a nice addition to the Turtle series, but it could have used a few more rewrites.


Meet the Robinsons



More CGI fun than you can shake a stick at… or rather, that’s what it really wants to be. It’s a cute Disney movie and maybe that says it all. Disney ain’t exactly what it used to be. Meet the Robinsons tries so hard to show you how eccentric the Robinsons are that it doesn’t leave much room for a story. Or maybe they realized they only had about half an hour of story and decided to fill the rest of the space with wackiness. Some of the filler is a lot of fun, but after a while, filler gets a little boring. Two scenes I quite enjoyed seemed like they didn’t belong in this movie. One is a kung-fu movie homage complete with grainy film and bad dubbing. The second is when the movie suddenly starts looking like the real world in the Matrix films with all the squid like machines with glowing red eyes, granted it was around that point in the film when the story started becoming somewhat interesting, but there is a lot of wackiness for wackiness sake to get to that point.

You know, I could forgive all the wackiness if it was funny, but a lot of moments felt like jokes with no punch line. I found myself smiling and wanting to laugh. The biggest laugh I got was a bit of audience participation. At one point in the film one the Robinson women is explaining to her husband, “Just remember I’m always right, even when I’m wrong, I’m right,” and some soft spoken little boy in the audience says, “That doesn’t make any sense.”

In short, it’s cute, but not much else.

Pirates Three Trailer!

Been meaning to post this for a while. Most of you have probably seen it already. But just in case, here is the trailer for Pirates Three coming out this summer.

Viral video or an affront to nerdmanity?

No! No, no, no, no, no!

They can’t do this to me. They can’t make me consider going to see this blasphemous piece of garbage they’re calling “Transformers”. But look at what they’ve gone and done:








That’s him. That’s my favorite Transformer of all time, Grimlock. It’s unmistakable. And it’s even more apparent if you watch the short clip (directions courtesy of Kung Fu Rodeo).

But I’m thinking that it’s just some more promo work and viral video for the movie. I doubt they’d include him or really mention the Dinobots in the first movie, as that’d just be way too much information for people new to the Transformers to absorb.

So even in the wake of this new material, I’ve decided to still not see this multi-million dollar sodomizing of my childhood. I'll just wait and hear from some poor shmuck that tortured themselves with it and can tell me if Grimlock was indeed in the “movie”. And even if he is, it’d be a renter. Let’s face it, I’d probably break down and cry right there in the theater when I saw how bad they screwed up his robot form. That, or I’d start a nerd riot the likes of which would rarely be seen outside of the San Diego Comic Con.

All that remains now is to figure out who’s gonna be it? Who’s gonna be our guinea pig? Who’s gonna suffer for all of nerdkind? I think it’s gonna be Turner.

D

Nerduary Showdown #37

Last week Leon from The Professional proved he was the best hitman as he wiped the floor with Vincent from Collateral.

This week we see two other great warriors of a different type try to earn their slice of immortality in the Nerduary Showdown.


1. Achilles
























2. Leonidas















Okay, these two guys have everything we saw in the movies Troy and 300. May the best warrior win. Voting will conclude next Thursday morning.

Alanis Morissette covers "My Humps"

While I realize that this is stretching what usually counts as “Nerduary material” I just couldn’t pass this up.

Alanis Morissette singing the Black-Eyed Peas’ “My Humps” may be a sign of the end times but good God if this isn’t the funniest thing ever I don’t know what is. Not only is she poking fun at a really bad song, but she’s also having fun at her own style.

Oh, and Alanis is hot as hell.

Check it out.