But Would You Do Her?

I don’t mean to be crude or course, but when you can’t sleep at night, wild things start to run through your head. Sometimes, you start to worry about the bills, sometimes you spend hour wondering if your tires have enough air in them. Like I said, we’ll all been there.

Last night, round about 3:30, I started to think about comic book hotties. There’re a lot of them out there, and most of them are drawn to look uber-gorgeous. While some guys may publicly scoff at the idea of lusting after a 2-D woman, I’m going to be up front about my lecherous thoughts and actually fess up to thinking dirty thoughts about women that don’t exist beyond pencil and paper.

As my mind wandered and filthy images of Black Canary and The Scarlet Witch danced through my head, I came to the realization that even though some comic book ladies are drawn in such a way as the artist has to want man-children around the world to take the comic into the bathroom with them, some basic characterizations of some of the most cherished female characters preclude many of them from actually being sex symbols. Oh, no doubt their attractive and pretty enough, but you just don't want to make like Dr. Baltar and love'm and leave'm.

And that’s the point of this post really. This is a celebration of sorts of comic book and cartoon women that by all rights should be lusted after by the gather geeks of the world, but just have that certain something that prevents straight men from wanting to ruin a comic book.

Jean Grey, aka Marvel Girl/Phoenix

I have always loved the character Jean Grey. From the early design by Jack Kirby to the Neal Adams Marvel Girl all the way through Dave Cockrum’s Phoenix and John Byrne’s Dark Phoenix (although Jim Lee actually made her hideous). Gorgeous red hair, shapely, and a pretty face. Sadly, Jean is all to often portrayed as your big sister to be looked upon as anything resembling a sex object. She’s kind, caring and compassionate. She wants to know how you feel. She wants to help. Sure she’s cute and built like a Greek goddess, but darn it all, you just want to sit down with her and watch Julia Roberts movies (unless of course we're talking Famke Jenson, because then all bets are off).

Sue Storm, aka The Invisible Woman

While the world (and Marvel Universe) is filled with MILF’s, the mother figure of The Fantastic Four just seems too chaste, and the idea of defiling this wholesome creature is just a turn off (not that defiling is always a bad thing). Sue Storm is a nurturer. She makes sure you’re taking you vitamins, that you ate a good breakfast and that you have everything you need for a day trip into the Negative Zone. A blonde bombshell she may be, but that blonde bombshell acts an awful lot like your mom, and those dirty thoughts kind of make you a pervert at best, and at worst, a degenerate.

Barbara Gordon, aka Batgirl/Oracle

Not to be completely insensitive, the thought of doing ANYTHING sexual with Babs just seems wrong. Despite being drawn as drop dead gorgeous, the fact still remains that, thanks to a bullet through the spine compliments of the Joker, she’s a paraplegic, and the very idea just seems wrong. Not that the handicapped don’t deserve lovin’, it’s just that it seems in poor taste to lust after the poor girl and think of doing naughty things to her. After all, hasn’t she been through enough?

Wonder Woman

I know what you’re thinking; “Chris, what the hell?! Are you crazy? Wonder Woman is HOT!” Well, sure she is, but that still doesn’t make her sexy in the way you’d want to really go all out with her. Yes, Wonder Woman costume screams sexuality, and her long black hair and dark, Mediterranean complexion do make for a lovely lady, but to me, Wonder Woman has always been kind of off limits and, I don’t know, sexless. Stay with me for a minute. To me, she just seems to be disinterested in bumping uglies, no matter how much time she spends with Steve Trevor. She’s like a super model who is leaps and down out of every guy’s league, from Brad Pitt to Superman. Plus, let’s not forget that Wonder Woman is a career woman. She’s in man’s world for a reason and it ain’t to get laid. No, she’s here to promote peace on Earth. Couple that with being an active member of the Justice League, and you get a lady who just wants to spend her down time relaxing in a bubble bath with a good book and Dido playing in the background. Oh, and I think she’s gay. After all, she spent her childhood on Paradise Island, where the ONLY inhabitants are long-lived women who HATE men. All she knows is hot, tender, sweet, and passionate woman on woman love…

Okay, Wonder Woman is off the list…

On the Fence

There are some comic book women that you kind of don’t know what to think about, and thus cause geeks some discomfort. Like who, you ask? Well, for starters…

Mary Marvel

She’s sweet. She’s cute. She wears a costume that’s the next best thing to a Catholic schoolgirl’s uniform. What’s not to like? For starter’s, she's underage as hell at all of 16 years of age. Yes, Mary Marvel is the jailbait of the DCU, but that doesn’t stop readers from turning into Matthew McConaughey ala Dazed and Confused when they look at the sweet little thing. But thankfully, she’s a comic book character, so we can rest easy knowing we can always look, but never ever touch.

Supergirl

Another minor like Mary Marvel, only Kara Zor-el is Superman’s super-sweet cousin. But damn if the artists over at DC these days can’t stop drawing this minor in the most slutty looking costume. Short, short, short skirt and constantly bare midriff, Supergirl has gone from nice young lady to some chick that trolls pool halls in no time flat. That's something no grown man needs to get involved with, period, end of story. Plus, the girl has Superman-level strength AND has never had a boyfriend before. Do YOU want to be the one she goes crazy with? Didn't think so.

Rogue

She’s got it all in the looks department, yet can never, ever touch another human being lest she cripple them. Rogue, over the last decade, has been portrayed a woman who REALLY wants it and bad. She’s all sexed up all the time, she’s about to explode. Normally, guys dig chicks like this, but you have to wonder what kind of baggage she comes with. She’s never had a sustained sex life, and I get the impression if she could, man would she latch onto a fella fast. One night of burning passion would turn into endless phone calls, early talk of marriage, picking out names for imaginary children and all before the second date. Or she would bed everything that moved, using YOU like the sexual object you though you were using her as. Either, it ends badly for the guys. Oh, her damn accent would get old fast with all the “Sugah” shit.


* Special thanks to a flu-ridden Derek for giving an assist on this one.