A Good Day

So, this may not be nerduary material, but screw you if you don't like it!

I was able to drive the Saturn Ion Redline over the weekend. This car is a blast to drive, and it is pretty damn fast, too! Saturn sponsered the event, and set up a short , but tight autocross style course, for the test drive. This car has over 200-hp, and has a wonderfully tuned suspension. The fools at Saturn let idiots like me drive this car as if it were a rental.
They were also giving away iPods as part of the promo. You guested it bitches, I won an iPod Shuffle. Guess what else, I hooked up with a fly honey later that night too, so "IN YO' FACE!"

Sex Counseling

Sometimes, people aren't what you expect, and ladies and gentlemen, Deanna Troi looks nothing in real life like she did on Star Trek: The Next Generation. And that's a good thing.

Yeah, I know "Deanna Troi" isn't her Christian name, but that's all anybody really knows her as. Quick, name one non-Star Trek show you've seen her in. Can't do it, can you? That's why she's Deanna Troi.

Anyway, Deanna Troi is 45-years-old. That ain't old, but it ain't young either. Most 45-year-olds I know are moms who would rather figure out a way their families learn to flush the toilet than make certain they look better than they did when they were 30. And trust me when I say that most B-list actresses, once they hit 30, are kind of scary looking. Years of whoring it up trying to break into the A-list has caught up with them and it shows. I've been to Dragon•Con on many occasions and seen it first hand, folks. It's sad, but very true.

But there are exceptions and Deanna Troi is one of them. I know most geeks have fond memories of jerking it to Counselor Troi whenever she had a seen on Star Trek, but trust me when I say, unless you've seen the show recently, you're remembering her as being hotter than she actually was. People forget, or gloss over, that she was always in that God-awful '80s aerobics suit, like she was on her way to do some Fonda workouts in the holodeck as soon as her shift of the bridge was over. Later on the producers got her out of the spandex and into a uniform, but there's nothing sexy about a Star Fleet uniform, and you all know it. By the time the movies hit, she was starting to look hot. But, to me at least, she never hit full fledged "Holy Shit!"

Well, times change. I met her recently at a convention and didn't expect much. I was just looking forward to the novelty of it. But when I turned that corner of the floor and saw a sweet rack looking me in the face, I was stunned.

Deanna Troi is fucking hot these days. No joke. Lady is stunning and I was speechless when I met her. I could barely ask for a picture with her. I'm not uncomfortable around women or anything, but Jesus Christ, I was expecting the good counselor to look so smokin'. In fact, so smitten with her was I that I felt compelled to offer up $20 for an autographed picture, and I don't collect that shit! I am not that guy who is felled by tits, but hers did the trick.

I got my picture and it took every ounce of energy not to stare at her chest (to the right), and if LeVar Burton hadn't been right beside her I would have given into temptation. But LeVar Burton is kind of ripped these days and he was wearing this tight tank top to show off his bod. If he had his visor on, he'd have looked like the new member of the Village People in Space. I guess he got tired of being associated with that bitch Geordi. I know I would. If I were him, I'd be playing up Reading Rainbow a little bit more, you know?

Anyway, Deanna Troi... HOT!

More Gay Pride!

In comic books there may not be a tougher character than the The Midnighter, The Authority's resident Batman send-up. He's the perfect fighter with a mind that can process a million possible outcomes to any scrap he gets into before his opponent even knows there's about to be an ass kicking. The guy even has a back-up heart just in case things get really bad for him, which doesn't really happen all that often. He's a living weapon that was designed to, as he put it, hit things until they don't work anymore.

Yes, The Midnighter is the toughest guy in comics, and the toughest gay ever.

Sure there were gay super heroes before The Midnighter, but unlike Northstar over in Alpha Flight, Midnighter didn't come out of the closet only never to mention his sexuality again for years. Hell no he didn't. And why should he? Think he's afraid of what the other super heroes or The Christian Coalition think? Come on, this is the guy that once piloted a 50 mile long space ships into a city just to get to one villain, so no, he doesn't give a shit about what some homophobe with a Bible and a secret has to say.

Why else is The Midnighter the toughest guy ever? Look who his husband is (yep, first mainstream, married gay couple). If Midnighter is an analogue for Batman, then his boyfriend is the Superman of the Authority. Apollo is super powerful, powered by the sun and has all the perks of being Superman without that pesky kryptonite. He can bring down a skyscraper without a thought and can toss a battleship into space with ease.

And this is the guy that Midnighter sleeps with. Yeah, The Midnighter is a hard a... I mean he's tough.

The Midnighter also makes Republicans nervous because when Jenny Sparks, the former leader of The Authority, died, she was quickly reborn as a wee baby who was in need of good parents after her mother was murdered by agents of Jack Kirby (long story). Who stepped up to the plate?

That's right, Midnighter and Apollo. The happily married couple adopted young Jenny, giving her not only two daddy's, but the most powerful protectors she could ask for.

And the most gay.

Gay Pride!

Mr. Sulu is gay.

Already knew that, but I guess him officially coming out is a big deal.

Which begs the question: Why? Gays may not be able to get married yet, but they're here and most people (i.e.- educated) have no problem with them. They're in every bit of our society, and by the looks of things, aren't going anywhere any time soon.

So in that vein, I think it's time to honor the gay contingent in genre entertainment. Over the next few days here at The Nerduary, let's take a look at great gay characters from all walks of geekdom starting with...

Doctor Doom!

The good doctor has been in the forefront of comic books since the early 1960s and is right up there with The Joker, Lex Luthor and The Riddler as far as name brand villains go. While never coming out and declaring himself gay, the signs are all there.

A confirmed bachelor, he lives all by himself in a very well kept old medieval castle. An avid art collector, he holds his physic in high esteem, with his home adorned with various paintings and sculptures of himself. Victor also has some pretty serious mommy issues, and by all counts, his dad was an overbearing prick who was way too demanding on his son (depending on which continuity your going with at least).

Obsessed with one man and one man only, Victor Von Doom is a walking, talking cry for attention directed at Reed Richards. He may talk about his undying hate of the leader of the Fantastic Four, but I imagine he would settle all of it with a well meaning hug.

His body encased in armor, it's obvious that Doom is a major advocate for safe sex. Being the leader of a nation, he most likely knows only too well what the AIDS epidemic is capable of and maybe even lost a few friends to the disease. I imagine that, since he is very controlling of his subjects' education, that sex ed is required and condoms are regularly handed out.

So let's hear it for Doctor Doom, world class super villain and ardent gay rights activist!

Bad Character

Video games have never been bastions for great characterization. In fact, most characters are just there to make the scenes look prettier and give the illusion that there’s a real story there somewhere. Oh, designers and writers try to give them motivations, and wants and desires and everything else that good characters have, but nine times out of ten, they fall flat.

But sometimes, they do their jobs too well.

I remember playing Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic for the first time after hearing how it was the greatest Star Wars game ever. I got obsessed with owning that game and as soon as I bought an X-Box, shelled out $19.95 for the platinum hits edition. I popped that disk in and fell in love. The characters, even the peripheral ones, seemed like real people, or the closest thing a video game has ever gotten to that. The members of your party were all distinct and unique and three dimensional...

But fuck Carth Onassi.

Carth Onassi is the kind of character that if I met in real life, I would kick him in the junk and then piss on him as he moaned on the ground in pain. The game sets Carth up as this noble hero, but all he ever wants to do is bitch and moan.

And he does this for 30 plus hours.

It starts from the moment you meet him. There you are, running around on a strange planet, trying to find missing Jedi Knight. The fate of the galaxy depends on you finding this woman. The Sith will win if you fail. And then, from out of no where, a message pops up saying that you should talk to Carth, that he looks like he has something on his mind. It even gives you a close up of his sorry face.

So you talk to him, and that’s where the bitching starts.

"I don't like it here. I don't trust Jedi Knights. I don't trust you. I wish I were back home. My feet hurt. You look like a jerk. I'm hungry. Don't steal that guy's money. Can we leave now? I’m tired. No, I don't want to talk anymore. You’re mean."

Your patience with Carth runs out VERY fast, but the first few hours of the game pretty much requires that you never leave his site, and every few minutes, he wants to talk. But not really. He just wants to bitch about not wanting to talk and how everyone is a douche bag except for him. This goes on for most of the game.

Then things get interesting (and by “interesting,” I mean fucked up). If you choose to go evil, you end up killing most of your party. They're mostly good people, but they just can't have a dark Jedi running around. Of course Carth gives you a ration of shit, then lectures you on how what you're doing is wrong, how you should be a hero like him, blah blah blah.

So what does he do when it comes time for you to murder the 13-year-old girl in your party in front of God and everybody? Does he jump in and say "not on my watch" or "you'll have to go through me," or "run kid, I'll distract him," or anything like that?

Nope. He runs away.

I'm not kidding. You go to kill the 13-year-old orphan and her Wookie friend, and after lecturing you about right and wrong, Carth says "fuck this noise," and runs and hides into the woods, probably to cry under some tree because he just realized that he’s the worst video game character ever.


And that's the last time you see him. Until the sequel at least. That's when you find out that the biggest waste of space in video game history got PROMOTED to admiral. This is why the Republic fell, folks, for rewarding dick weeds like Carth Onassi.

Nerduary Showdown #1 and #2 wrap

The results are in! The following is based on information presented by voters last week.

...
Vader's Star Destroyer vs. Picard's USS Enterprise

"Launch fighters," Vader ordered.
Captain Piett gave the order and an entire wing of TIE fighers swept out of the Star Destroyer's hangar bay.
Vader watched as the fighters overwhelmed and engulfed the strange ship with the large saucer section. An unusual turbo laser fire Vader had never seen before managed to take out a few of the fighters, but most were making successful attack runs.
"Send in the TIE bomber groups," Vader said as a minor explosion flickered on one of the foreign ship's engines. "Captain Piett, bring the ship in closer and prepare to finish them with a turbo laser bombardment."
The Star Destroyer's engines rumbled and the massive ship moved into position. The enemy ship managed to fire off a few torpedos of some sort, but to no effect. Vader smiled beneath the mask.
They don't know the power of the Empire, he thought.
More explosions appeared on the enemy ship.
"My Lord," Piett said, "it appears they are trying to make the jump to light speed."
"Are we in attack position?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good. Withdraw TIE groups. Fire all turbolaser batteries when ready."
Vader watched as the fighers moved away from their dying prey. A moment later, the Star Destroyer's powerful turbolasers opened up on the helpless ship.
The enemy ship began to come apart.
"My Lord, should we cease fire and take the enemy captive?"
Vader shook his head. "Let them be an example to the rest of the galaxy, Captain."
The turbolasers placed a few more direct hits before the enemy ship exploded and vaporized into a thousands of pieces that twirled across Vader's viewport.
The Dark Lord of the Sith turned toward Piett. "Recall fighters," he said. "We've wasted enough time. Continue on our course to Bespin at your best possible speed."
...

Outcome: Star Destroyer wins this matchup easily.


...

Gandalf vs. Obi-Wan Kenobi

"Go back into the abyss!" Gandalf yelled as he sent the stranger spinning across the room. The robed man fell hard into the ground with a loud grunt. Suddenly, Gandalf sensed something strange. "Who are you?"

The man stood and ignited a strange colored sword Gandalf had not seen in all his centuries in Middle Earth.

"My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. I am a Jedi Knight, defender of peace and order in the galaxy."

Gandalf lowered his staff and released a deep, hearty laugh. "Well, well, my friend. I have never heard of a Jedi Knight. However, it seems we are on the same side after all."

Obi-Wan grinned. "I'm sorry we fought. I was about to end you with my lightsaber."

Gandalf laughed. "I'm sorry as well, for I would have erased your entire existence without a second thought."

Both men chuckled and then laughed like any good Scooby-Doo ending.

Outcome: a draw between the two great, but very different, wizards.

Memo

To: Master Bruce
From: Alfred Pennyworth
Re: Tasks and chores

Things to do-
• tune up batmobile
• clean guano from batcave
• give Alfred annual review
• design satellite in an effort to monitor all super heroes on the planet and gather a detailed listing of all their weaknesses (DO NOT FORGET TO ADD SECURITY MEASURES TO THIS. DO NOT PUT THIS OFF).
• Go see Robin in school play
• PUT BATSUIT IN LAUNDRY HAMPER!!!
• practice scowl
• dwell on death of parents
• dwell on death of Jason Todd
• visit grave of parents
• look at glass case containing old costume of Jason Todd

• watch hidden video feed of Clark and Lois... in bed (I THINK THIS ONE HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH, SIR)

• sleep

Holodeck v. Danger Room

Alright, so the D-man's "Engage" post got me thinking. Yes, I thought about more than running program 69-Zeta Tau Alpha, or program Giggity giggity, Alright!

The holodeck, and the Danger Room are very similar, being that both are holographic training facilities. I know the Danger Room hasn't always been holographic, but I'm wondering if the similarities are coincedence, or if one inspired the other. Please, oh guru's of all things nerdy, answer my query.

3-D porn would rock!

Engage!

I want my own holodeck in the spare bedroom of my apartment (my Nerduary).

Just think of everything that I could do with it. Fine. So 53% of that involves some kind of porn. We’ll just go ahead and acknowledge that right now and be done with it. I’m mainly talking about the remaining 47%.

I could do all the crap that Data and Capt. Picard did, like being in a Sherlock Holmes mystery or the wild west; or I could be a bit more contemporary and geeky: I could be a super hero, a pro athlete, or be the star in some of my favorite TV shows or movies. Kind of like Photoshop for holograms. Just take out David Boreanez and put me in there hangin’ with the Fang Gang. Mmmmmm…..Winifred Burkle.

Probably one of the things I would do most often would be to use it as my own, private Danger Room. It’d be a great way to get in shape and train to be a kick-ass fighter, all without having to be repeatedly humiliated in front of other people. And it’d be free too. So I’m not paying to be repeatedly humiliated in front of other people.

Just imagine honing your body into a finely tuned instrument of justice. Then you finally get to walk down that dark alley, save the girl from the muggers, and then let her thank you over and over again. Whoops, sorry. Almost slipped into the 53% there for a second.

Knowing me though, I’d probably get hooked on it like some kind of holographic crack and would never want to come out. I’d waste away in that damned room until someone dragged me out. So I guess I’d have to install some time limits on it or something.


Or, it might just malfunction on me and decide to manifest itself in physical form and go on a murderous rampage. And it’d be up to me to stop it. Fuck that noise. I don’t have super powers. What am I gonna do, talk it to death?

Well, let me get back to my day dreams of having my own personal holodeck. “Holodeck, run program 69-Zeta Tau Alpha.”

D

Doc Savage: Snatch Savior

So what's this? I always just assumed that Doc Savage concerned himself with would-be dictators and mad scientists, but I guess prostitution rings... excuse me, snatch rings, are his thing too.

Really? Doesn't Doc Savage realize that prostitution is a victimless crime and no one really gets hurt (unless Russian chicks are forced into it, like in that movie Lifetime is currently playing the Hell out of). That is, until he shows up with a couple of laser guns, looking to ruin a horny polar bear's day.

Hey, Doc, she was asking for it, okay. Literally. She needs to buy her kid braces and there's a blister on her lip she needs to get checked out. And that polar bear is a hard working guy who just needs to get his rocks off. Do you know how difficult it is being a polar bear? For starters, it's fucking cold. All the time. He needs to get his jollies where he can and if that means shelling out some cash to an arctic hooker, so be it. He paid up front even. What's the deal, did Pat Robertson put you up to this? He did....?

Not to worry though, because it looks like Ajax, the Sun Man is coming into put a stop to Doc Savage's prudish, conservative ways. Or he's practicing his swan dive. I can't really tell. He's got the shorts and his form is flawless. Oh, and check his legs out. Man he's so smooth and soft looking, yet masculine at the same time. He's the kind of dude you could make out with for a few hours and not feel like a homosexual afterwards...

Aquaman gettin' the love. And not just the squishy, octopus kind.

So I was watching VH1's "The Best Week Ever" and guess who they said had the best week ever? That's right, good old Arthur. Aquaman to you laymen. It was on account of Smallville having a suprisingly good version of a young Arthur Curry (A.C. to his friends), and the fact that the main guy on Entourage was gonna be playing Aquaman in a film.

And I was gonna link you to the VH1 content, but apparently they felt Aquaman's 15 minutes of fame were up. I can't even find it on there. Only some crap about Aquaman cologne, which I bet smells like halibut. Oh well. Nice while it lasted.

This is the Aquaman that had the "Best Week Ever":













This one, not so much:














D

Nifty Nerduary Showdown #4

The rumor had traveled across Rome that day, a rumor that could be damaging to his plan.

Maximus Desimus Meridius took the sand of the arena floor and brushed it between his palms. The crowd pulsed louder with each passing moment as if it would soon erupt.

The rumors might be just that. But, then again, Commodus could never be underestimated when it came to his dishonest dealings or his desire to destroy those in his way. Maximus first heard the rumor from his former aide, Cicero, who said Commodus had sent agents across the Empire to find an opponent worthy and able to defeat the new gladiator.

That new gladiator was Maximus. And after he won his last match with the tigers, Commodus was running out of interesting ways for Maximus to die.

"And now," the announcer yelled in his deep voice, "hailing from the northern lands of Britainia, found by your most nobel Emperor Commodus, the one man able to defeat Maximus, all of Rome welcomes, the one and only, William Wallace!"

The crowd cheered as the long haired man emerged from the gates. Maximus didn't recognize the clothing or the strange blue paint smeared across the man's face. But if this was who he had to kill in order to extract his revenge, so be it.

...

William didn't care who this man was or what he could do.

It had been years since his uncle Argile took him to Rome. Now that he was here once again, all he wanted to do was return to Scotland and continue his campaign against the English. This Commodus had sent his guard to capture him and they had succeeded in doing so under a banner of truce. To have his freedom, Commodus said he must defeat this invincible Maximus. If those are the stakes of this most dangerous game, so be it.

...

So we have Braveheart's William Wallace vs. Gladiator's Maximus Desimus Meridus. Yes, the timelines don't match up. So what?

The fight (voting) will continue until Halloween at 8 a.m.

Let the fight begin.

Nifty Nerduary Showdown #3

And now for more knockdown, dragout action brought to you by your friends at The Nerduary.

...

Lara Croft leapt into the air and grabbed the green vine with a sweaty hand. The cool air of the ancient temple brushed against her as she swung across the rubble. The vine suddenly snapped and Croft tumbled through the air. She crashed through into a crypt she previously didn't know was there. As she broke through the crumbling stone, her pistols flew from their holsters. She brushed herself off and stood.

What riches she could find in a room like this, she thought as she surveyed the dozens of tombs and coffins.

She spun around. Facing her from across the room was a young woman with blonde hair. The other raiding party searching for treasure must have got ahead of her somehow.

"I'll be damned if anyone will take this treasure from me," Croft thought, rushing toward the intruder.

...

Buffy was shocked as the ... well ... thing crashed into the crypt. She thought she was hunting a vampire deep into a temple no human had seen for a thousand years, but this enraged woman sprinting toward her didn't look anything like a vampire. Whatever it was, Buffy had to act fast.

...

So there we have it. Buffy The Vampire Slayer vs. Lara Croft. Neither are armed with any projectile weapons and there are none in the room (duh).

The fight (voting) will last until Halloween morning at 8 a.m. Kind of appropriate, actually.

Let the fight begin.

Love, thy name is Zatanna!

Face it true belivers, comics are filled with chicks drawn in skewed proportions in an effort to get all those fan boys who will never see a naked lady to give their comic a try.

Most of the time, it works. Hell, in the '90s, most comic book companies marketed their entire lines around tits and ass. Lady Death, Vampirella, Angela, and a million others were gauranteed to sell whatever comic whose cover they appeared on. Yes, the industry caters to perverts.

Any way, we're not talking about that non-sense today. No, we're looking at the lady who, since the '60s, has been setting fan boy hearts on fire.

Today, we talk about Zatanna!

Now, I'm not going to lie and try and tell you that this is going to be insightful. Hell no, people, quite the opposite. Oh, there may be a fact or two in there somewhere, but we're not really concerning ourselves with that. Instead, I'm going to prove why Zatanna may be the most perfect woman ever to appear in comics.


Daddy issues

Zatanna first showed up looking for her daddy, Zatara. Zatara was kind of a Mandrake knockoff who first appeared in the very same issue that Superman debuted in. He didn't really set pop culture on fire, so he got shuffled away. Zatanna showed up in a bunch of DC books in the '60s, pestering the shit out of everyone about her dad.

Why is it a big deal that Zatanna was in need of daddy? Simple: This chick is damaged goods.

Anyone who has ever dated a chick like this knows that she's ready and willing to please any man who's going to give her attention, because daddy sure as Hell didn't give it to her. This is the kind of girl you can talk into inviting her best friend into bed even though she has no bisexual tendencies whatsoever all because she doesn't want you to run out like daddy did.


She has the power... but doesn't use it

It's been said multiple times that of all the Justice League members, Zatanna may well be the most powerful, but for reasons known only to her, never uses them fully.

Know what that means?

That's right, sandwiches.

All she has to do is utter any phrase backwards to make it happen and it becomes reality. Does she say "oriapseD ot eht traeh fo eht nus" or "dne raw dna tcilfnoc erehwyreve " or anything like that? Nope. So when you ask her to make you a sandwich after sex and she tries to lecture you about responsible use of her powers, throw that shit back in her face. And have her make you a sandwich.


Classy, but slutty

Really, look at her outfit. That is both top of the line professional magician but strip club appropriate all at once.

Oh, sure she's changed outfits a couple times over the years (each time managing to look like Super Gypsy instead of a magician, but that's neither here nor there), however she always comes back to the classic. And sometimes, when we're lucky and Grant Morrison is using her, we get a more whored up version of her old school costume. I mean, look at that and tell me she's really trying to fight the forces of evil in that. Are you kidding me? That's a woman that wants to get laid. Girl wears an outfit like that and she's saying "I don't have standards. Now come 'kcuf em'.' Don't believe me? She let John Constantine bang her a few years back. Constantine may be cool, but he ain't cream of the crop, that's for damn sure. No matter who draws him, he looks like he hasn't bathed in weeks. Smelly son of a bitch...

So there you have it, folks. Next time you cross the dimensional threshhold into the DC Universe, look Zatanna up. After all, what are you're odds of getting a head case this hot in this universe?

Steroids shrink your junk

I thought I'd poke a little fun at one of my favorite super-heroes, Wolverine.

Look at Wolvie's arms in the first picture. Now look at his crotch. There is a bulge in his britches.


Now look at the second pic. Compare arms and crotch. Bigger arms, and no bulge.


Don't use steriods kids, they shrink your nuts. Just look at poor Wolverine.

Nifty Nerduary Showdown #2

As promised, this is the second of this week. The deadline for showdowns one and two will be Tuesday afternoon.

Without further delay, here we go.

Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi is walking through the streets of Mos Eisley with his new found apprentice, Luke Skywalker. Suddenly, a wavy pool of blue energy appears at the end of the sidewalk.
“Ben!” Luke whined. “What is that?”
“Quiet, boy,” Obi-Wan said.
The energy pool appeared to be some sort of tunnel. The elder Jedi leaned forward, inching closer to the pool. He had heard the Sith had employed such tunnels to travel between worlds, but thought it was just a myth.
Meanwhile, Luke, still upset about selling his T-16, is watching the new owner drive away in his former vehicle. Pouting, Luke kicks a rock in the sandy streets. The rock bounces off a nearby wall, hits a random floating robot, and smashes into Obi-Wan’s back.
The Jedi loses his balance and falls into the void.

***

“You shall not pass!” Gandalf yelled as he faced the fiery Balrog. Shortly after, the bridge collapsed and Gandalf felt the beast’s whip yank him into the abyss.
So it is over, he thought as he tumbled into the darkness behind the Balrog. Suddenly, he passed through a bright light and found himself standing in a large, dimly lit room empty of furniture or anything else. On the other side of the room, stood a bearded man in a brown cloak.

“To have captured me in this way, you must be a Sith, an agent of evil!” the man said.
Gandalf snorted. “It is you that must be evil if you are in the service of the Balrog of Moria.”

Both combatants, believing the other is responsible for the current situaiton and therefore Evil, attack.
…

So here’s the set up, Obi-Wan vs. Gandalf with both men believing the other is Evil. A anti-matter generator (a favorite in Star Trek) is nullifying any telepathy senses they might have.

Let the fight begin.

Better than the old Snickers commercials.

Batman if he was a member of A.S.S.

Then he'd kind of be "The Dork Knight".

Enjoy.

D

"Annie Get Your Blaster Rifle"? No? "The Phantom of the Mos Eisley Cantina"! No? How about "The Blue-wookie Group"? Perfect.

This will be the first and ONLY time you ever hear me say this:

Anyone wanna go on a road trip to see an Off Broadway play?

One Man Star Wars
A one-hour, high energy, nonstop blast through the first three Star Wars films. The catch is, there's only one cast member. Charles Ross, the writer and solo performer, spent too much of his childhood in a galaxy far, far away- adulthood has been similar. Ross plays all the characters, recreates the effects, sings the music, flies the ships, and fights both sides of the battles.

http://www.onemanstarwars.com/index.html

This may be the only thing that could get me to go willingly to the theatre. Well, there is one other thing, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not gonna get it from you guys. And dragging a normal girl to it would keep me from getting it anyways.

D

Not on my watch

Take a good look at this cover. I'm not kidding around, get to know it. Click on it to make it bigger if you have to.



Sure, everyone is kind of surprised that Superman is placing so much confidence in Firestorm. After all, this is Ronnie Raymond we're talking about, the kid who needs an old man talking inside his head just to talk him through the complexities of the wiping of one's own ass. Check out that look on his face, too. He's got that "Superman just pinned the Special Olympics first place ribbon on my costume" look. So yeah, maybe a conversation back on the satellite may be in order about Superman's new recruit.

But check Batman out one more time.

Dude looks really pissed.

"Yeah. I've got a God damn objection!"

I really think he's about to kick both Firestorm's and Superman's ass.

That, or like he's about unzip his fly. If that's the case then this comic is going to end horribly.

Nifty Nerduary Showdown #1

Greetings in the name of all things nerd and geek. First of all, I want to say that The Nerduary is a very cool idea, something I wish we had many years ago. When Chris first told me about the idea, I thought that it was something we all could have used during so many conversations and wonderful nerd/geek arguements.

And then I thought about those arguements. How many times have we discussed the clash between one of our favorite icons (besides Chris) and another? Who would win? How would they do it? What would happen?

So, let me introduce the first Nifty Nerduary Showdown. Once or twice a week, I will post another showdown featuring a matchup between either a fictional, mythical or historical character versus another. I will try to think of all the rules and setting for such a battle to answer any "what ifs" that might occur.

Then, my friends, you vote for who would win. If you have time, explain how such and such will defeat such and such. If you have more time, explain how the battle will take place, what will be the outcome, etc. After seven days, I will tally up the votes posted for one or the other. If it is a draw, we'll have a round two sometime in the future.

Get it?

So, without boring you any more, let's begin the first showdown ...


Captain Picard walks across the bridge of the Enterprise. "What is that, Commander Data?"
"Seems to be a temperal flux of some kind," Data said. "It is pulling the ship inside."
"Engines in full reverse!" Picard yelled. "Geordi, give me full power."
Data shook his head. "It's too late, Captain. The ship has passed through the wormhole, which actually appeared to be a rip in space time."
Picard adjusted his uniform. "Then where the hell are we?"
"Systems show we are in an uncharted galaxy, several million light years from our original starting point."
"Captain!" Worf yelled. "We have a ship off the starboard bow."
"Now what?" Picard asked.

"Lord Vader," Admiral Piett said as he strolled across the Imperial Star Destroyer. "We have a ship that just appeared out of lightspeed directly in front of us."
Vader spun around. "I sensed it. They are not with the Empire."
"What are your orders, my Lord?"
Vader turned back to stare at the strange and unusual ship. "It's unlike anything I've seen before. Tell them to surrender and prepare to be boarded."
After making the transmission, Piett said, "The ship has refused our order, saying we have no right."
Vader snorted. "Prepare to launch fighters. We will show them what rights we have."

***

Okay, that's the setting. One standard Imperial Star Destroyer vs. Picard's Enterprise and crew.

Let the fight begin.

Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck...goose!!

X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocolypse is out now. And I want it. I loved almost every, single thing about the first one. And I would have probably given it a 9.5/10. So it stands to reason that I'd want the second one. Especially after I saw who all you can actually play as now. And after all the good reviews I've heard too.

Here's my dilemma when I start playing though: How the hell am I gonna narrow down my team to 4 characters when I really wanna use 8/9 of 'em? And don't give me the "the level or mission will determine which characters to use" explanation. That's bullshit. I can use the same 4/5 people and finish the game with absolutely no problems. I have never once used Nightcrawler, Rogue, Gambit, Jubilee (are you kidding me?), or even good old Beast.

With the first game I had my core team, my standard group if you will: Cyclops (top), Wolverine (bottom), Iceman (right) and Storm (left) OR Jean if I knew the level required moving things with telekinesis. But now, I can play as Magneto, Juggernaut, Bishop and freakin' DEADPOOL! How the fuck am I supposed to remove someone from my battle-tested and effective team and replace them with someone who could also be a bad ass? Damnit.

My only hope, and it probably won't happen, is to be able to have a Blue and a Gold team. Part of one mission is for one team and the other is for the second team. That would rock. But I'm betting the chances of that are slim and none.

So I'm probably gonna just have to finish the game with my standard team and then play through again with the fanboy team, and then again with an mixed team or something. I guess in order to get ready, I need to go back and play the first one again with the "all scrubs team" to get a sense of what it's like playing without my big guns.

Life is full of important choices. I just wish you could play as Multiple Man.

D

For the sports nut AND the geek in all of us

7th game of the World Series. Bottom of the 9th. 2 outs. You're up by 1 run. Man in scoring position. Bring in the wookie.

I bet Chewie throws a mean slider.

D

Hey, Peter Parker, are you... cool?

Coming in January, 2006 from Marvel:

SPIDER-MAN LOVES MARY JANE #2
Written by SEAN MCKEEVER Pencils & Cover by TAKESHI MIYAZAWA

Really? To be honest I always pegged Peter Parker as being straight edge.

To Me, My X-Men!

NEW X-MEN ANIMATED SERIES IN 2007

http://www.newsarama.com/forums/showthread.php?s=27490c2385251922d9c755acf1f43a53&threadid=46656

We'll see how this works out. It probably won't live up to the standards of the 1992-97 series. That one was about as close to the books as you could get, like Batman: The Animated Series was to Batman. That series pulled in a lot of new readers to the books too. Or in my case, helped to fill in some holes. Sure, they took some liberties with the story lines and characters, but it all paid off. And 99% of the time, those are the voices I hear when I think of the characters, esp. Beast and Wolverine.

They hold up so well, I still watch the reruns of X-Men on Toon Disney. I just wish they would release the seasons on DVD like B:TAS.

D

Have and Have Nots

DC released it's solicits for January 2006. There's a lot stuff on that list, and my bank account is mighty limited. I ain't made of money you know. I gots me a wife that needs to be taken care of and rent that needs to be paid, so as usual, some hard choices are going to have to be made. So join me now as we go through the solicits and see what's going to come home with me and what's going to wind up on the streets, giving head for crack money!

ALL STAR BATMAN AND ROBIN, THE BOY WONDER #4
Written by Frank Miller
Art and cover by Jim Lee & Scott Williams
Variant cover by Frank Miller
ALL STAR excitement abounds as Frank Miller, Jim Lee & Scott Williams continue their adventurous retelling of the partnership between the Dark Knight and the Boy Wonder! And when some Black Canary gets added to the mix, you can be sure something’s going to explode!
Retailers note: This issue is resolicited. All previous orders are cancelled. Please see this month’s order form for information on the variant cover.
Resolicited; on sale January 4 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • RESOLICIT

Here's the hell of it. I actually was looking forward to this series, and then I read it. Has anyone noticed what kind of shitheel Batman is in this comic? I mean more so than usual. Anyone? Robin has just watched his parents each take a bullet through the skull, and he's going to smack him around? Does that make you feel tough Bruce? It does? Oh...

BATMAN: HUSH RETURNS TP
Written by A.J. Lieberman
Art by Al Barrionuevo, Javier Pina, Francis Portela,
Jimmy Palmiotti and Bit
Cover by Lee Bermejo
Witness the return of Batman’s deadliest new enemy in this volume collecting BATMAN: GOTHAM KNIGHTS #50-55 and #66! Hush’s unexpected reappearance raises more questions about his true identity, origins and motivations.
On sale Jan 11 • 208 pg, FC, $12.99 US

Do people still care about Hush? Anyone?

ABSOLUTE BATMAN: HUSH HC
Written by Jeph Loeb
Art and cover by Jim Lee & Scott Williams
Reoffered to coincide with BATMAN: HUSH RETURNS, this amazing slipcased hardcover collects the complete 12-part saga for the first time in the oversized Absolute format! Featuring an all-new cover by Lee and Williams, a Jim Lee Sketchbook, and issue-by-issue commentary by the creative team.
On sale Jan 11 • 372 pg, FC, $49.99 US • RELIST

Shit, I guess so...

BATMAN: HUSH VOl. 1 TP
Written by Jeph Loeb
Art and cover by Jim Lee & Scott Williams
Reoffered to coincide with BATMAN: HUSH RETURNS, this volume reprints BATMAN #608-612, featuring the introduction of Hush! This best-selling tale includes guest appearances by Superman, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Killer Croc, Huntress, and more!
On sale Jan 11 • 128 pg, FC, $12.99 US • RELIST

BATMAN: HUSH VOl. 2 TP
Written by Jeph Loeb
Art and cover by Jim Lee & Scott Williams
Reoffered to coincide with BATMAN: HUSH RETURNS, this volume reprints BATMAN #613-619, concluding the story arc that introduced Hush! This volume features the Dark Knight's shocking showdown with the Joker, the debut of a brand-new Batmobile, a catfight among Catwoman, Talia and Lady Shiva, and more!
On sale Jan 11 • 192 pg, FC, $12.99 US • RELIST

Get the fuck out of here...

SUPERGIRL #5
Written by Jeph Loeb
Art and cover by Ian Churchill & Norm Rapmund
With Supergirl on a rampage, there's no one left to stop her except...Supergirl?! The story that will have all of fandom talking explodes as The Girl of Steel takes on the Mistress of Might!
On sale January 11 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

This is actually a good comic, but I feel bad when I read it. I feel like I'm cheating on Peter David. You know I still love you Peter David. This? This is just nothing, alright. It's just for th sex. I swear.

INFINITE CRISIS #4
Written by Geoff Johns
Art by Phil Jimenez & Andy Lanning, George Pérez & Jerry Ordway
Covers by Jim Lee & Sandra Hope and George Pérez
The Crisis continues to explode across the DCU as a great power is unleashed. But whose side is it on? Witness a shocking confrontation between Batman and Nightwing, a vicious battle that threatens to tear the heroes of the DCU further apart, and a startling change to the recently deceased. Plus, guest appearances by more characters than we can list! Retailers please note: This issue will ship with covers by Lee & Hope (approximately 50%)
and Pérez (approximately 50%).
On sale January 11 • 4 of 7 • 40 pg, FC, $3.99 US

HELL YES I'M BUYING THIS. I MAY EVEN BUY TWO. YOU DON'T KNOW.

AQUAMAN #38
Written by John Arcudi
Art by Leonard Kirk & Andy Clarke
Cover by Don Kramer & Keith Champagne
After Spectre’s horrific attack against Atlantis, Aquaman must return to the remains of his old kingdom in an attempt to rescue any survivors. But will the grieving and wounded Atlanteans accept their new home in Sub Diego?
On sale Jan 4 • 32 pg, FC, $2.50 US

Aquaman's comic is like that old friend that you never see that, you swear to God, next time you're in town, you'll call and hang out. Seriously, I'm not kidding, dude, I will. But then his comic gets cancelled. Again.

DAY OF VENGEANCE: INFINITE CRISIS SPECIAL
Written by Bill Willingham
Art by Justiniano & Walden Wong
Cover by Walter Simonson
The adventures of the Shadowpact continue in this 48-page Special by the DAY OF VENGEANCE creative team: writer Bill Willingham, artists Justiniano & Walden Wong and cover artist Walter Simonson! The Shadowpact returns — joined by Zatanna, Captain Marvel, the Phantom Stranger, Madame Xanadu and others — to stop the Spectre’s deadly rampage!
On sale January 4 • 48 pg, FC, $3.99 US

Or, "we know you guys held shit together while we were turned into a mouse and shit, but we're here now, so go back to your little bar."

GREEN LANTERN #8
Written by Geoff Johns
Art by Carlos Pacheco & Jesus Merino
Cover by Simone Bianchi
Concluding the 2-part “A Perfect Life,” guest-starring Green Arrow! Hal Jordan's father is alive, Green Arrow is happily married and the Green Lantern Corps has achieved peace throughout the galaxy. But as Hal and Ollie's greatest desires continue to manifest, their warring dreams will twist into nightmares. Plus, Mongul comes face-to-face with a new enemy that has his sights on Green Lantern!
On sale January 25 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

GREEN LANTERN CORPS: RECHARGE #5
Written by Dave Gibbons & Geoff Johns
Art and cover by Patrick Gleason & Prentis Rollins
In the exciting conclusion of GREEN LANTERN CORPS: RECHARGE — which leads directly into the new monthly ongoing series GREEN LANTERN CORPS — veteran Lanterns and raw recruits stand shoulder to shoulder in a last-ditch battle to save Oa from the clutches of the evil Spider Guild of Vega!
On sale Jan 18 • 5 of 5 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

Yes on both counts.

GREEN ARROW #58
Written by Judd Winick
Art by Ron Garney & Bill Reinhold
Cover by James Jean
Having viciously attacked his family and destroyed his home, the enemies of Green Arrow wage war against the whole of Star City! The Emerald Archer must defend his hometown from catastrophe while his allies lie beneath the tons of rubble that was once his headquarters.
On sale January 11 • 32 pg, FC, $2.50 US

I want to like this book. I want to like Judd Winnick's writing on it. I also want a 12 inch penis.

DC UNIVERSE: THE STORIES OF ALAN MOORE TP
Written by Alan Moore
Art by Jim Aparo, Jim Baikie, Brian Bolland, Paris Cullins, George Freeman, Dave Gibbons, Klaus Janson, Kevin O'Neill, Joe Orlando, George Pérez, Kurt Schaffenberger, Curt Swan, Rick Veitch, Al Williamson and Bill Willingham
Cover by Brian Bolland

The only people NOT buying this when it hits stands either already have it OR aren't really comic book fans. As such, they should be beaten. With this book.

JLA #124
Written by Bob Harras
Art by Tom Derenick & Dan Green
Cover by Daniel Acuña
“World Without a Justice League” Part 5 of 6! In the wake of Day of Vengeance, the Seven Deadly Sins have been unleashed upon the world and Envy has found his way to Gotham City — just in time to influence Green Arrow! But when jealousy and rage infect Oliver Queen’s mind, he loses focus on stopping The Key and saving Dawn, and turns his energies on an even deadlier foe: Batman!
On sale January 11 • 32 pg, FC, $2.50 US

Look mom! That guy who ruined The Avengers back in the 90s and then made the rest of the Marvel Universe suck is back and he might ruin the JLA!!! PLEASE BUY THIS FOR ME!! What? NO?!?! YOU BITCH! I hate you mom. I hope you DIE!!! And I hope it's dad that kills you!!!

JSA #81
Written by Geoff Johns
Art by Dale Eaglesham & Art Thibert
Cover by Alex Ross
During the INFINITE CRISIS, Stargirl's past catches up with her! Now she’s at an emotional crossroads that will require the help of the entire JSA!
On sale January 4 • 32 pg, FC, $2.50 US

Seriously, how bad ass would it be if we found out that before she joined the JSA she was whore on the streets and got HIV? Wait, they already did that in Green Arrow?

LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES #14
Written by Mark Waid
Art by Barry Kitson & Mick Gray
Cover by Kitson
For months, most of the team believed her existence to be a myth, a rumor, a prank. Now, get ready to meet Atom Girl, a.k.a. "Shrinking Violet," the Legion's newest member and Brainiac 5's secret weapon! But will her presence be enough to buy Invisible Kid some much-needed trust and credibility?
On sale January 25 • 40 pg, FC, $2.99 US

Buying it.

SEVEN SOLDIERS: MISTER MIRACLE #3
Written by Grant Morrison
Art and cover by Billy Dallas Patton & Michael Bair
There's a new Super Escape Artist in town! Baron Bedlam is here to steal Mister Miracle's thunder with a death-defying act that must be seen to be believed! What is the secret of the Living Waveform? Who are the Plastic People? Shilo Norman faces the dark night of the soul when he finally confronts Dark Side! With the most shocking conclusion you will see in a comic this year, you must not miss MISTER MIRACLE #3!
On sale January 18 • 3 of 4 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

Buying it.

TEEN TITANS #32
Written by Geoff Johns
Art and cover by Tony S. Daniel & Marlo Alquiza
An INFINITE CRISIS tie-in! Superboy-Prime meets Superboy as the Boys of Steel confront one another about their roles in this universe.
On sale January 11 • 32 pg, FC, $2.50 US

I'm sorry, but this solicit just sounds like the back of a gay porn video (yeah, I've read the back of a gay porn video, so what?).

FABLES #45
Written by Bill Willingham
Art by Mark Buckingham & Steve Leialoha
Cover by James Jean
The 4-part “Arabian Nights (and Days)” story concludes. Both the Fabletown and Baghdad Fable communities are still reeling from the actions of the deadly D'jinn. And the Arabian Fable refugees make a fateful decision on their future place in the Mundy world.
On sale Jan 11 • 32 pg, FC, $2.75 US • MATURE READERS

God what a great comic.

Y: THE LAST MAN #41
Written by Brian K. Vaughan
Art by Goran Sudzuka & José Marzan Jr.
Cover by Massimo Carnevale
At last, the long-awaited origin of Agent 355, loyal protector of the Last Man on Earth! In this special stand-alone issue, the secrets of the mysterious Culper Ring and its most famous female agent are finally revealed.
On sale January 4 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • MATURE READERS

I used to like this comic. I say "used to" because the shit bird that orders the comics for the nice lady who runs my local shop is too much of a dumb ass to order more than one copy, despite me demanding it monthly. Oh, and guess who gets that one copy. Why, he does of course. Take a good look, Timmy, that's what mommy calls a douche bag.

Super Confidence

What is confidence?

Well, the calendar on my desk at work, handed out to each and every one of us drones in the newsroom, has this to say:

"Going forward, making bold steps, and taking that risk to make your dreams a reality."

Okay. Sure. Sounds good. But do you know what a better definition of confidence is?



Talking shit to Superman in the cold void of space in your pink tightie whities with matching shirt and boots. That, my friends, is confidence.

You're kinda like Spider-Man. You just keep getting shit on.

I like those random conversations that you can have with a friend or group of friends. The ones that pop up after a few drinks, while playing Risk or just at the breakfast buffet at your favorite dining establishment. Sometimes they can reveal more about a person than you actually knew or thought you knew. Whether it be about someone else or yourself.

One of my favorites, and I'm geeking out but that's what this site is about, is the "which superhero would you be"? The best way to have this virtual JLA meeting is to have others tell you who they think you'd be, not you telling who you think you'd be. Get me? That way you get a little more insight into what others think of you. You could wind up as noble and virtuous as Superman or as dirty and backstabbing as Lobo (if you wanna count him as a hero). So giving everyone free reign to pick who they want gets creative and fun.

My reason for this particular topic is that I noticed something the other day. I noticed that after Chris and I had this conversation (actually we were figuring out who all our friends would be in the JLI), I really got the feeling that he was right in figuring out who I'd be. I always put him off when he says it, but I realized he was probably right. Who would I be?

Yep. Guy Gardner. Chris always said I'd end up being Guy because I usually have his personality. Especially after just a few beers. I guess I loosen up and get more confident. That, and I become a huge smart-ass. More so than usual. And he says it'd be that way full time if I had a power ring to boost my confidence.

Like I said before, I usually just think he's full of shit. That was until the other day when I was walking into The Hat. I was getting out of my car and this sense of over-whelming confidence and power just came over me. I mean I could actually feel it. As I walked towards the door I passed 3 girls. I walked by and said "Hey" with a little nod and probably the biggest smirk/smile I've ever had. And the 2 that saw me said "Hey" and smiled a big smile back at me. That usually doesn't happen to me. As I walked into The Hat and headed back to the bar section I still felt my newfound sense of confidence and tried to make it work for me when I got back there. I think it worked, as when I walked in and sat down a lot of the girls were still looking at me. Now maybe that was my imagination or I was the latest freakshow to walk in, but it felt like a good thing.

So that uberconfidence and no self doubt was there in me, just like it is in Guy Gardner. And the fact that later that night I was just ripping on people, hitting on girls and not giving a damn only made it more appropriate.

So when you have friends tell you that you're gonna end up like the Thing, don't get pissed, hear them out and see that you're really a hero at heart. You might be surprised at how much of a great person they think you are. Or an asshole, but that's another post.

D

Excelsior!

Yeah, that's right. I did it. I titled my first post on here with Stan Lee's favorite exclamation. So what? What are you gonna do? Leave? No, wait! Please don't leave me! Ok, good. Let's try this again.

Hey there, I'm Derek. You can just call me D. Most people do. And that's how I'll sign everything on here. Just as Chris mentioned; in our social circle, we're pretty much all geeks to a certain extent. But most of us are what has been termed the "closet geek". Basically, that means we don't really look like a gang of geeks (or would that really be more of a gaggle or gander?), we really look like your average Joe Schmoes and can function normally in society. And most of us have, in fact, known the touch of a woman. Or man. But they're girls. Yes, we do have female friends. Yes, they're hot. Now you're just getting me off track. Back to my point: Believe me when I say we can bust out with the geek speak any time we need to. And usually we do as often as possible. 'Cause when you're in the professional world as most of us are, you rarely get that kind of interaction.

So basically what you'll see on here is anything that we feel like commenting on. And you may even see some verbal battles of the wits (to which I am severely over-matched, so consider me the underdog). But whatever you see, we'll try to make it as interesting and entertaining as possible.

Also, feel free to give us some topics that you want discussed and we'll go all caveman on 'em.

Later.
D

Introduction

My name is Chris Brennaman, and I'm a geek.

Have been most of my life. Most of my friends are geeks, and most of their friends are geeks. It's a vicious circle, I know, but it's one that none of us can escape, and believe me, we've all tried at some point or another.

Anyway, The Nerduary is yet another blog dedicated to all things geek. Comic books, sci-fi, a little tech love, and anything else we can think to toss up here. There will be none of that political commentary that seems to plague most blogs, or those self important folks that seem to think they have a readership somewhere in the thousands. God knows we're all tired of those dicks. No, everything here will be superficial at best, and trust me when I say we are well aware that no one except a couple guys we work with are reading this (and I'm not even sure about them, really).

And, yeah, I know, there to many blogs out there dedicated to talking about shit like comic books, but what can I say? None of them are written by me and my friends, so there you go.