Tuesday, March 31, 2009
So why the change? Well, after four years, things kind of slowed down here at the old site (what with people taking new jobs, moving to new cities or just vanishing outright) and I decided not only to inject new life into the old girl, but to shift direction a little too. What kind of new direction, you ask? While the focus is still on commentary, links to cool stuff floating around the Internet and outright mockery of all things geek, at the new site you'll find what I hope is more consistency both in publishing and theme.
But don't think this is going to be a one man show. Already, there's been a shift to having multiple posters and God knows help will be welcome (virtual empires don't build themselves you know). So if you have something you really want to share with the world and want to do it via The Nerduary, just head over to the new site and contact me directly.
Because, really, that's the goal of the the new Nerduary; to become a destination site for everyone with a love of comics, movies, TV and everything geeks get a little too excited about.
So head on over to Nerduary.com and gives things a look. And tell your friends to do the same. And their friends. Actually, tell everyone.
Thanks to everyone who made this first version of The Nerduary such a fun place to hang out over the last four years (you know who you are) and I'll see you at the new site.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I’m no chode, by God, and I will NOT be exiled from the action. So I talk sports. Problem is, my knowledge of sports is almost nonexistent. So how do I do it? How do I talk for hours on end and convince people that I’m up on the latest in athletics? And more importantly, how can you?
PRESENTING CHRIS’ GUIDE FOR TALKING SPORTS (WHEN YOU KNOW NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT SPORTS)
“He’s a Good Player”- This one phrase is perhaps the most important sentence you can ever utter when forced to engage in a conversation about sports. Chances are, the athlete being discussed in indeed a good player, and as such, the person who brought up said athlete will speak positively on end about him. This will allow you time to pay attention to the details and try and figure when to insert one of the gems to follow. However, in the off chance that the athlete being discussed is NOT actually a good player, don’t panic. Just tell the person you were being sarcastic. Everyone will get a good laugh and you’ll come across as someone with keen insight indeed.
“Their Defense Could Be Tighter”- There will be times when someone will ask your thoughts on a specific team. Your first inclination will be to be panic as you don’t know one athlete from another, let alone what teams they're playing for. But no worries, all you have to do is say “Well, their defense could be tighter.” This is perfect as it’s not only noncommittal, but it’s also true. Unless the Patriots have recruited the 300 Spartans, no one has a perfect defense. No one. And even the most passionate team follower will have to admit that, yes, as perfect as the home team is, their defense could indeed be tighter.
“That Was Something Else”- If you choose to fake knowledge of sports, be prepared to be asked if you saw a specific game. Most likely, last night’s. Most posers tend to fall a part at this point. What kind of game was it? Was it a big game? Did something spectacular happen? What the hell were they even playing? Did a tiger get loose on the field? I don’t know what happened? Don’t panic! And for the love of God, don’t try to guess what happened. Just affirm that you saw it and say it “was something else.” “Something else” can be so many things. It can indicate that you did see that spectacular show of athleticism, it can mean that it was hard fought by both sides or can mean that it was boring as hell. It was something else. Like I said, most sports people just want to hear themselves talk anyway. They don’t care if you actually saw the game. They just want to rehash it themselves. All you have to do is say the right trigger to keep the conversation moving, and “That was something else” is a powerful one indeed.
“He has/does not have heart”- Sports fans love to talk about heart. Heart can make their pants tight or their blood burn. Heart is a way of saying losers are worth rooting for. Accusing someone of not having heart is an excuse to hate him even though he has more athletic prowess than most in the game will ever possess. You can only bring up heart when the conversation has caused a rift to form in the room and everyone assembled calls for you to choose a side. How do you choose which side to fall on? Easy. Identify the side with the loudest asshole and go the opposite way. "Come on!" the asshole will cry out. "How can you like that piece of shit?" "Easy," you'll say. "He's got heart." Once everyone is united against the asshole, you can let others carry the bulk of the conversation, and go back to “he’s a good player” as a means of supporting the dude you purport to support.
“You’re a racist”- Sometimes people will catch on that you don’t shit about sports and attempt to call you on it. Not only that, but they'll go about it by being a complete asshole and go for the jugular as happened to me very recently. Sometimes they’ll ask the race of the athlete being discussed. Yes, as a fan, this should come easy. But you’re not a fan. But they might be a racist. Call them to task on it. Ask them what race has to do with the game in the first place. Accuse them of letting outdated mindsets cloud their love of the game. Tell them they're part of the problem and proof positive that as a country, we still have such a long way to go. Then, politely recuse yourself from the conversation and walk away. You're now not only known as a passionate sports fan but a man (or woman) of high moral fiber. Respect all around.
There you have it. You now have the tools to fake an actual conversation about sports. But believe me, just having the tools doesn’t make you a master. Like any other skill, mastery takes practice. Start by dropping a “He’s a good player” here and there and see where it takes you. You’ll know when the time is right to move on. And remember, never feel like you can’t walk away from a conversation. In fact, sometimes disengaging is the best course of action you can take, especially if a subject is about to turn violent. After all, one man’s good player is another’s symbol of all that is evil in sports.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Both Know a Lot of Dumb Things- You can list all of Derek Jeter’s stats going back to his high school years, I can list all the different shades of kryptonite. You can pontificate on the virtues (or lack there-of) restrictor plate racing, I can pontificate on the virtues of having a multiverse to work in. You can tell me who coached who to Super Bowl victory back in ’75, I can tell you who wrote Uncanny X-Men 75.
Both Like To Show off Loyalty- Is there really any difference in wearing your New York Yankees jersey out in public and me hitting the mall in my Aquaman T-shirt? And define how the guys who dress up as Boba Fett at a convention are any sadder than the assholes who paint the names of their favorite teams over their fat bellies in 30-degree weather at football games.
Passions Run Deep- How often have people almost come to blows when discussing just who exactly is the greatest NFL coach of all time? On the flip side, don’t ask a room full of fanboys to decide the outcome of a fight between Superman and Thor. See lines drawn when you announce to NASCAR fans that Dale Earnhardt was over rated. Watch friendships die when you ask if The Enterprise could take a Star Destroyer. Really. Watch it here and here.
Everyone Knows What’s Best For Their Favorite Franchise- Wouldn’t The Braves clinch the title every year if you had a shot at coaching? I know The Justice League of America would be the best selling comic in the world if I were writing it. And what was Manning thinking passing the ball the that guy? Oh, and can someone explain to me exactly why Marvel still pretends anyone likes The Sentry?
We All Know Controversy- Just how many past and future Hall of Famer’s used steroids to enhance their performance and should that be held against them? How in the fuck does Rob Liefeld keep getting paying work on mainstream books?
We’re All Pretty Immature- When you think about it, sports fans are getting worked up over grown men getting millions for playing children’s games. And geeks? Most of us never stop to think that our obsessions began as escapist entertainment in the early 20th Century for the then burgeoning kid’s culture.
Kind of Homoerotic- Hate to break it to you sports fans, but you’re really into those guys in tight clothes, grabbing each other’s ass, placing hands on each others taint, and fighting for possession of balls (not to mention soaping their naked bodies up en masse after the game). And yes, I do realize that most super hero books are about a bunch of very physically fit dudes dressed in fetish suits all hanging out together in a secret place. BUT, in their defense, they’re only doing all this to save the world, so EAT IT SPORTS FANS!
The Joke is on All of Us- Whether your passion is for the Miami Dolphins or The Mighty Avengers, we all gloss over the fact that all of it is a long con to get us to care for and shell out tons of money for (let's be honest) meaningless corporate franchises. Yep, we're the ones making a select few rich. So remember that the next time you whine about how over paid Alex Rodriguez is or about how Joe Quesada is really screwing up Marvel. In the end, it's our own damn fault.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
He's Gaius Baltar; there' a naked Six in his bed and he's just turned his back on people he supposedly cares about to his own benefit. Of course he's okay. Jeez...
Monday, March 09, 2009
Don't lie to yourself. You know you would've had all the action figures.
Thanks to friend of The Nerduary Michael Harper for passing this gem along. And give credit where is is do by checking out the animator's other stuff here.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Not really going to bother with a review as most people reading this aren’t looking to be swayed one way or another. But as a long time fan of the Alan Moore/Dave Gibbons source material, I think Zach Snyder and everyone involved did a great job.
Still, that's not going to stop me from mocking it later this week. Just a heads up is all.
Friday, March 06, 2009
Judging by the look on his face, Captain America knows what I'm talking about.